“The last time we were here, Nathan had that awful avocado on his face, remember?” Leigh said.
Gwen laughs. “So you did see it?”
“Of course I did. I wanted to see how long it would take him to notice. Did he go back to work like that? God, I hope so.”
When Leigh and Gwen reconnected after the Bainbridge Island drama, there was no torturous rehashing of The Kiss. Leigh kept it simple, said, “You were feeling lonely. I was having my itchy feet. I know you don’t want to fuck me. We’re friends, as I keep telling Nathan.” To which Gwen said, in a mock lawyer voice, “We are in agreement.” And that was that.
They have been meeting up on Saturdays, at a park if it’s nice out or the mall with the kid play area that will likely be ground zero for the next global pandemic. Nathan and Leigh are still together, doing thedysfunctional dance they seem to enjoy. Gwen and Jeff are doing better. They’ve started going to couples counseling once a week. Their sitter, Abby, hangs with June while they spend an hour with Therapist Joan and then go to dinner after to discuss the session. It is not a traditional date night, but there are cocktails involved, and it works for them. At the start of therapy, they spent time exploring the impossible standards Gwen had been holding herself to. Jeff was flabbergasted. He said he’d known the “breastfeeding thing” was a big deal, but he didn’t know just how much everything was weighing on her. “It’s just not like this for dads,” he said. That made Gwen laugh: “Duh.”
They’ve talked about improving their communication and accepting each other as different from how they were before they became parents. Gwen harks back to her learnings from the Conscious Couples Instagram account. Even if Angeni Luna was a little bit full of shit, she was also a little bit full of wisdom. Gwen thinks she and Jeff can be one of those couples that evolve and grow together. They want the very best for each other as individual human beings, and that seems like the key to long-lasting love.
Gwen took an extra two weeks off work after the Bainbridge Island event. Jeff told her she didn’t have to go back. They could figure it out, financially and otherwise. Once the pressure was off, she decided she’d try going back. She worked out a hybrid schedule with the firm. It allows her to go into the office until noon so she can attend all the meetings, which are typically stacked in the mornings. Then she picks up June from day care, and they go home. Abby helps with June in the afternoons while Gwen works. Gwen doesn’t get to play or interact with June much in those hours, but she likes having her close by. It’s a compromise that seems to be working.
“Look at our babies, sitting up like big girls,” Leigh says, as she leans forward and tickles June’s belly.
While the first months of motherhood felt like a blur of trauma and torment, this new stage feels more fun. Gwen and June know each other better now—their rhythms, their needs. Gwen no longer lives in fear of failing her daughter. It’s like they have a shared understanding that they are both doing their best. What she’s learned about Angeni Luna has helped her let go of the ideals she held so close before.
Belle grasps at her mother’s arm and whines, which Leigh says means she’s hungry. Leigh unbuckles the straps of her denim overalls and lets the front fall forward; then she pulls up the tank top she’s wearing underneath and holds Belle to her boob. Leigh will probably be one of those mothers who breastfeeds until her child is three, and Gwen no longer has any strong feelings about this. She stopped breastfeeding June last month, reluctantly at first and then wholeheartedly. The decision came after she returned to the moms’ support group and dared to discuss her quandary. It turns out that about half the moms in the group are supplementing with formula now or using formula exclusively. It’s not the end of the world. Besides, June’s starting on solids, a milestone that reminds Gwen that everything in motherhood, and in life, is temporary.
“Oh my god, I totally forgot to ask you,” Leigh says as she switches Belle to her other boob. “Did you see that Angeni Luna reemerged?”
After Bainbridge Island, Gwen made a conscious commitment to stay off social media. It wasn’t just because of Angeni Luna, but also because of all the motherhood posts telling her who and how to be. She needed to get back to Gwen. As the weeks have passed, she’s been too busy with work and June and Jeff to think much about Instagram at all.
“I didn’t see,” Gwen says.
Leigh plops Belle back on the grass in front of her, refastens her overalls, and then takes her phone out of her purse. She leans over to show Gwen.
“This is her first post since the whole thing happened,” says Leigh.
Gwen looks at the post on the screen.
Sometimes, the best way to nurture your child is to set an example by nurturing yourself. Self-care is childcare.
In the caption, Angeni has written:
Thank you to everyone who has reached out over the past couple months. I have been recovering physically and emotionally and also thinking about what this community means.
I fear I have become caught up in sharing the character of Angeni Luna with you instead of the real human being. I am not a perfect mother or wife or friend. I have not been entirely truthful in attempts to preserve the image of me I thought you wanted. I have taken down the home birth video because it does not represent how my child really came into the world. She was delivered at the hospital after an emergency transfer there. I labored in my tub at home, but I did not give birth there. I realize now that withholding of truth in ways like this can have repercussions beyond what I previously imagined. I’m sorry.
I have decided to pay back my book advance to my publisher and will no longer be writing a book. I do not think I can share my story in good conscience until I share the most intimate parts of it with my own self and my loved ones. For the foreseeable future, my Instagram accounts will be dormant. I do not plan on engaging with social media anytime soon. For now, I will leave the pages as they are, though I have removed posts that I now find inauthentic.
I ask that you please reserve any judgments and refrain from gossip at this time. This post will be closed to comments.
I want to end with one more thought, as represented in the graphic here: Self-care is childcare (something I borrowed from the @nurture.mother.official account—check it out!). Over the past several weeks, I have realized that taking care of myself is the best gift I can give my daughter. I want her to understand what it means as a woman to resist the pull to tend to others at all times and instead mother oneself.
I am sending love to all of you. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Until we meet again ...
When Gwen looks up from Leigh’s phone, she’s surprised to find herself crying.
“It’s beautiful, right?” Leigh says. “Though I’m sort of bummed she’s going to do this vanishing act. I want to see the new Angeni Luna. Will she still use cloth diapers? The world wants to know!”
It’s a joke, and Gwen should laugh, but she can’t bring herself to.
“Aw, Gwennie, you okay?” Leigh says.
“I feel bad for her,” Gwen says. That’s what it is. This poor woman has had millions of people looking to her for guidance on who and how to be, and all along, she was just like Gwen and so many others, mothering from a place of sole survival, tending to a baby instead of the obvious wounds inside.
“I think she’ll be fine on that beautiful property with that hot husband and that gorgeous baby,” Leigh says. She puts her phone back in her purse and leans back on her elbows in the grass, squinting her eyes into the fading afternoon sun. Gwen reaches for June, places her in her lap.
