“I don’t know.”
“You didn't hate her, Juliette, at least, not from the start. You hated yourself for wanting her, for wanting any girl…because it made you think you were like him.”
No. No. No.All these years. Looking at Adaline for the first time when we were kids and feeling that burn in my chest. That feeling down in my belly that made me so ashamed.
I shake my head in pain. “I can't be like him.”
“You're nothing like him.” He puts his hands on my shoulders. “He wasn't abusive because he was gay, it was because he was a horrible human. You'renothinglike him.”
I'm not. I'm not like him. I wouldn't hurt anyone the way he hurt my mother.
Old memories burn my scalp with pain, my head throbbing harder than it ever has before.The pretty girl in nursery with the brown eyes. The waitress at my birthday lunch. All the girls I try my best not to look at. Adaline walking into my science class when we were younger.
“I don't want to be like this, I want to be normal.” I sputter out afraid, my voice breaking.
That sounds like him—that fear of other people finding out, the agony that turned him into an abusive man.We're all monsters if we're pushed to that extent. He pushed himself, all because he was scared.
All this time I didn't want to be like him, yet somehow, I've become the worst parts of him—the fear and the paranoia that makes me lash out on the ones closest to me.
“You are normal. There's nothing wrong with you,” Kai says gently, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
Nothing. There's nothing wrong with me, but there will be if I keep denying this. If I let this pain fester for longer and longer, so instead of verbal abuse, I'll resort to physical violence just like my father. All because of what? Fear? Control? Power?
I don't want it. I don't want any of it anymore, I just want to look at myself in the mirror and not feel ashamed. I just want to imagine my future life without being terrified of what my mother will think.
I just want to be me.
I sigh shakily, five years of repression flooding out of me at this very instant. “I'm a lesbian.”
Relief floods my very bones. I feel as if I've been holding my breath for so long and now, I can finally breathe again.
Kai is smiling at me as widely as humanly possible and pulling me into a bone crushing hug.
That's all it takes for me to lose myself and once again, I begin bawling in his arms. In his arms I don’t have to hide. I can be me; I don't need to lie to myself anymore.
I can just be me.
Chapter THIRTY-FIVE
A d a l i n e
Anotherweek has passed by without Juliette so much as uttering a word to me. The only difference this time is that…she's just not around. She hasn't even shown up to school.
At first, I was worried. I even asked Kai about it, but he assured me she was fine and just needed some time for something. I know she wants me; I know she likes me. That much is clear considering she almost killed Alex when she walked in on us. I like her too—that’s clear because I didn’t even want to be in there with him in the first place.
He keeps shooting me knowing looks every time I see him with Victoria, but I keep brushing it off. Maybe Juliette told him? But that makes no sense, she would never tell anyone.
Even Christmas and new year went by this week. I was tempted to send her a Christmas gift, but I don't even celebrate the holiday. I don’t have a shred of excitement in my body regardless, all because she’s sucked it out of me as well as my trauma.
I still can't believe I told her about my father and my past. I've never even spoken about it with my friends, only Adam knows how bad it was. She sat there and comforted me, no judgment, no malice. She came back even after I was being rude and she didn't ridicule me for having a panic attack about a pair of headphones—another reason why this week has been so hard, I don't have my headphones to comfort me.
She needed this week, either to accept her sexuality or deny it even further I'm not sure. All I know is that she needed this space and maybe so did I. I felt entirely too vulnerable after telling her about my past, but somehow safe at the same time.
I've been good this week. I've sent Juliette tutoring emails and left it at that, no matter how much I want to send her a regular message…or even call her. I'm trying to be a good person, give her space to breathe and sort through her stuff.
After all I've been in the same position as her, although I never suffered from internalized homophobia to that extent.
God, this is so tiring. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to end up liking a girl who literally despises gay people but is gay herself?
