She lets go of my hands. “I want you to go home and think about why you hated yourself back then.”
“Addie—”
“This isn't healthy, Juliette. This denial that you're carrying with yourself…but it's not my place to fix that for you.” I feel tears bubbling up again and she continues. “I get it, I really do. You don't want to be like your father and I don't want to be like mine, but some things cannot be changed,” she says softly and I know she's referring to me right now. “You don't need to be honest with anyone else, but at least, be honest with yourself, Juliette.”
She leans forward and kisses my cheek gently. Her mere touch makes me feel braver than I ever have and makes the pieces click. I can't argue with her, she's right. This isn't healthy.
I lean forward and envelop her into a tight hug, holding onto her for dear life and she reciprocates. I kiss her forehead gently—it's more of a promise. I'll be back, even as I get up and leave this room right now, I will be back.
I can't do this anymore
***
I didn't go home like Adaline advised me to, instead I drove up to the only house I know I'll get my answers. Here I am, knocking on the dark, black door of this familiar mansion rapidly.
The door opens, red hair coming into frame. “J? Are you okay?”
“I'm just like him.” I blurt out walking into his house.
“Like who?” Kai asks confused, closing the door behind him.
“My father.”
I feel so hot, like a fever is attacking my every sense, but I can't walk away. I need answers or at least I need to be forced to give myself the answers because I can't do this anymore.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, baffled and worried as he walks closer to me.
“Adaline and I had sex. We've been having sex for a while.” The words leave my mouth abruptly.
“Since when?” he asks, his eyeballs looking like they're going to poke out of his eye sockets.
Am I supposed to count the first time we kissed or not?
“It's complicated. A few months sort of…you really don't know?”
I guess my paranoia was for nothing. I should have trusted Adaline when she said her friends would never tell anyone.
“I thought something might have gone down with you guys after that fall during your tournament …” he shakes his head with a soft smile, “but I didn't think it was this, although I always knew you guys liked each other—”
“What are you talking about? What do you mean always?” I cut him off, confused and desperate for answers.
His gaze softens. “Did you never wonder why I stayed friends with you all these years despite how homophobic you've been?”
Of course, I wondered. I just counted myself lucky that he stayed friends with me.
“Why did you stay friends with me?” I voice out in a whisper.
“Because you were hurting. I saw it. I knew you needed time and help. You always disliked Adaline, but it changed that day. You despised her and I knew why.”
“Why?”
His eyes shine with pity. “Because you wanted her, maybe it was buried deep down, but I think you've always wanted her and hated her because of it.”
His old words ring in my head. “I know why you're so angry at her, but you don't yet and that's okay. I'll be here for you right now and I'll be there for you when you figure it out.”
“No, I hated her because she's like my father.” The words come out shakily.
“So why don’t you hate any other gay person at Richmond? Don’t pretend you don’t know how many other queer kids are there, Juliette. Why do you only hurt her?”
