“I don't want her to change,” I admit.
Yeah, she is slightly changing, at least in terms of not being so out rightly homophobic. I can feel it too, or at least I felt it before she started ignoring me.
“You like your girls mean?” Aryan wiggles his eyebrows and Victoria giggles.
I can stand up on my high horse and claim that I hate Juliette for being mean, but that’s simply not true—I like her mean, I like her cruel. I don’t care how mean she is, because she’s good at it. The only thing I can’t stand is her homophobia.
I shrug in agreement and then add, “I don't like them homophobic though.”
They both nod in agreement, but are staring at me with thoughtful looks. They literally look like Cheshire cats right now with smirks the size of Jupiter on their faces.
“Why are you guys smiling?”
They look between themselves and Victoria gestures her hand towards Aryan, like she's giving him the front stage to talk some sense into me.
“Because you're a runner Addie. You run from problems and avoid talking about them, but you've been in this little game with Juliette for years and not once have you run away.”
He's right. He's so utterly right and it's scary. I avoid everything, unless it benefits me in some manner. She's the one thing I cannot avoid, no matter how hard I try.
“So why do I still have this hatred for her?” At this point I'm throwing out all of my concerns because I need answers.
I still hate her. Every time I look at her, every time I see her do something annoying, unbridled rage fills my chest. It's festered over five years, so I understand it's hard to change, but isn't it supposed to leave once you like someone? How can you hate someone you like?
“How are you the smartest person I know, but you lack this much common sense?” Aryan says, dumbfounded.
I mock gasp at his words, but before I can respond, Victoria starts talking. “The opposite of love isn't hate; it's apathy. You hating Juliette is undeniable proof that you feel something for her. If you keep hating her, it just means you keep feeling things for her.”
Why are my friends so intelligent? And I have the nerve to label myself as smart? I wish I had an iota of the emotional intelligence these two possess.
Apathy. I've literally never felt apathetic towards Juliette my entire life. Come to think of it, I've always hated her, so does that mean I don't need to stop? That's elating, because I don't think I could stop hating her even if I tried.
We aren't Juliette and Adaline without hating each other, we just aren't.
“Don't stress about it, it's not like you need to marry the girl. You hate love anyway, it's not like you would ever want her to be your girlfriend. It's just casual, right?” Victoria says, her tone is sort of teasing, but serious at the same time, as if she wishes that I would disagree with her.
“Right.” They both sigh and look disappointed at my answer.
How could I agree with her? Just because I've realized I like Juliette doesn't mean I'm gonna fall in love with her. All it means is that she's more than a sex buddy, but that doesn't make her my girlfriend. I could never be like my father; I could never fall in love.
I could never let it ruin me.
Aryan nods and then groans dramatically. “Now, if we're done with this little crisis, can someone please help me with this equation?”
***
Sometimes, I forget how obscenely popular Juliette is, until times like this when people are swarming around her.
I'm currently leaning against my locker, my headphones on my head as usual. I'm not even being secretive about watching Juliette, I can't. I want her to notice me, to look at me, but she won't.
She's just talking to a group of girls and boys who are no doubt probably showering her with compliments about how beautiful she is, which she is, but still, they don't mean it when they say it; they just worship her. They have no idea how beautiful she actually is; they haven't seen her face when she's overcome with pleasure or when she's stuffing her face with pasta.
They haven't seen her. Not like me.
The ringing bell snaps me out of my thoughts, that's the drawback of old headphones—they aren't noise cancelling at all.
I sigh and take my headphones off, stuffing them in my locker. I have a free period now, so I'll probably just read a book or—
Turning around, my eyes land back on Juliette who's currently walking towards the bathroom. Never mind, I know exactly what I'm going to do.
