“How could you think that?” Incredulity made her voice rise. “How could youeverthink I would be happy to be rid of you?”
It hurt her to witness the rawness of his response. After what he’d done, she shouldn’t care, but she did. In all the time they’d been together, he’d never been vulnerable with her, and now he was letting down his guard.
“I don’t deserve you, Lottie,” he said hoarsely. “I was never your equal, and I knew it when I married you. I knew I didn’t deserve a lady with your courage, spirit, and intelligence. But when we were together, it made me forget myself. Made me forget everything but how good it felt, how much I wanted to be your husband, one who was worthy of you.”
“Why wouldn’t you deserve me?” She furrowed her brow, baffled that he would feel that way. That her larger-than-life former spouse would have any cause to feel less than, well, anyone. Least of all her. “You are my equal. In fact, when it comes down to titles and such, you outrank me.”
“I’ve done things, Lottie. Things no gentleman would do.”
The shadows were back in his eyes, and this time she saw they weren’t just ghosts but demons. Her own experiences provided an explanation.
“Because of your work, you mean? But you were only doing your duty to protect your country and innocent people from harm.” When he said nothing, she went on gently, “I understand, you know. I was never a sheltered miss to begin with, but the work I do now has exposed me to the darkness of life. I know what evil is, what good is, and even how each can be mistaken for the other. Nothing you could say would shock me for very long. I am strong, stronger than you think. Stronger than whatever secrets are festering inside you.”
He was gripping her hand now, his touch no longer cold but warm. Desperate.
“I am no good for you,” he rasped. “No good for anyone. I’ve endangered the people I care about most—my best friend, he…he died because of me. Because I couldn’t protect him. And I won’t let that happen to you. The threat isn’t over. Now that I know that the First Flame is back, I must stop whatever heinous plot they are hatching.”
“I will help you,” she said.
“You will bloody stay out of it.”
He snapped his brows together, and his hands were no longer warm; they were hot. And she knew this because one had gone to cup her nape, the other holding her jaw so that she had to look into his eyes. They were darker than midnight, all the stars consumed by his ferocity. The time for vulnerability had apparently ended, and Sebastian was back to his dictatorial self.
She wasn’t the least bit cowed, shoving his hands away. “I am already a part of it.”
“Aye, and I regret letting that happen,” he growled. “You should not have found a dead body and been shot at. You shouldn’t be trapped in this cave with me. You should be somewhere safe.”
Her control over her temper started to fray.
“Like a drawing room, you mean?” Her sarcasm dripped like honey into tea. “You do realize that I haven’t been swaddled in cotton since you left? As an investigator, I can assure you that I have been places and done things that would shock even you.”
“What you do as part of your society is up to you,” he clipped out. “I cannot stop you.”
“The great spy is capable of sense, after all.”
He ignored the taunt. “But I will not have anything happening to you because of me. Because ofmybloody business. After tonight, you will stay away from the First Flame, and that is final.”
His ultimatum broke the tether on her restraint.
“It is not justyourbusiness,” she snapped. “Has it occurred to you that the First Flame destroyedmymarriage, tookmyhusband from me, made me grieve foryears? They stole my life, my happiness, and I didn’t even know until now. Didn’t know that it was them who shredded my heart by convincing you to leave me, even though you stupidly went along with their plan. So do forgive me when I say, with all due respect, that it ismybloody debt to settle as well, you dashed idiot!”
She glared at him, her chest heaving. He’d stilled, and if she wasn’t so angry, she might have laughed at his open-mouthed expression. Then he firmed his jaw, and the bronze light that sparked in his eyes made her brace. She readied to do battle—to assert her right to be a part of this, to do whatever it took to bring the enemy down.
But when he spoke, they weren’t the words she expected.
“You grieved…for years?”
He sounded so genuinely surprised that red coated the edges of her vision.
“What did you expect? Ilovedyou.” She fisted her hands in his collar, giving him a little shake. “You were my world, and then you weren’t, and nothing has been the same since.”
He captured her jaw in both hands, his touch as rough and real as his words. “Bloody hell, Lottie, I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
The emotion and desire surging between them was overwhelming. Dash it all, she wanted tofeelagain—feel alive in the way she’d only felt with Sebastian. She couldn’t fight it.
Still, she tried. “We cannot do this?—”
“One night. I know I don’t have the right to ask for anything more. And you have my word that we won’t do anything…”—his eyes burned into hers—“irrevocable.”
