51
NICK
I’m really concerned about Lizzie. Thank goodness I managed to wrap this site problem up in a couple of days, and that she stayed at Jodie’s last night, I think as I drive home. So many worries are crowding for space in my mind – Ian’s remarks, Lizzie’s state of mind, Alison – that I almost don’t see the lorry pulling out at a junction and have to stamp on my brakes. It was a close shave and makes me concentrate on the road instead of worrying over Lizzie.
It seems peaceful enough when I get in, there’s something cooking in the oven, music playing and Lizzie greets me with a hug and a kiss. ‘How did it go?’
‘Okay, all sorted now.’ We hug tightly for a while, then she eases away.
‘The kids are playing in the garden, dinner will be about a quarter of an hour. It’s breaded chicken, chips and beans.’
‘Great. I’ll go and grab a quick shower and get changed.’
Isaac and Grace come running to greet me when I come back down from the shower. ‘Daddy, you’re back!’ Grace says happily. I scoop her up and give her a big hug, Isaac smiles awkwardly, he thinks he’s too big for hugs, so I wink at him and tousle his hair. ‘Okay, son?’ He nods and grins.
Lizzie is laying the table, so I get the kids seated and make a jug of orange cordial, putting it in the centre of the table, along with the bottle of tomato ketchup, salt and vinegar.
We chat pleasantly over dinner, then I clear away while Lizzie puts the kids to bed.
‘I’ve put a bottle of wine in the fridge. I thought we could have a drink and a catchup when the kids are settled,’ she says.
‘Great idea,’ I agree. I can’t help feeling that she’s concealing something from me though. I can’t put my finger on it but something has happened since I went away. I’m sure of it. There’s a sort of nervous energy about her.
I’ve cleared away and loaded the dishwasher by the time Lizzie comes down. I open the wine, pour it into two glasses and hand one to her. ‘Let’s take it into the lounge, it’s comfier in there.’
She follows me and we both sit on the sofa next to each other. Lizzie stares into her glass, running her finger around the rim. I can see something is on her mind.
‘What’s up, Liz? Has something happened? Is your mum okay?’
She twists a lock of hair around her finger and looks at me with troubled eyes. ‘I need to tell you something.’
I place my hand on her arm. ‘Go ahead. You can tell me anything.’ I brace myself for whatever revelation it is but her next words still blow me away.
‘I’m responsible for George’s wife’s death.’
It was the last thing I expected Lizzie to say. I stare at her, my breath catching in my throat. She looks so earnest. She really believes what she’s saying, but then she always does. When she loses her grasp on reality she is convinced that the crazy things she thinks in her mind are true and no amount of reasoning withher will change her mind. This is far-fetched though, even for her.
‘Liz, Alison and Kenny’s mum died years ago. You didn’t even know her. How could you have had anything to do with her death?’
‘I met them, I was on the same school trip. There were a couple of schools visiting the amusement park that day.’
I listen in astonishment as Lizzie blurts it all out, how Ally bumped into her, causing her to drop her ice cream, so Ally’s mother bought Lizzie another one, how she and Ally and Jodie sat by each other for lunch, how she slipped her peanut butter crusts into Ally’s lunchbox because Judith would be mad that she hadn’t eaten them. How seeing Ally’s mum die traumatised her for years. And finally, how she found out that she was the one who had caused her death.
‘I didn’t know it was me, not until what happened with Jamie. I didn’t know that if someone is allergic to peanuts just touching something that has peanuts in it can kill them.’
Tears are spilling down her face.
No wonder she had a breakdown when that lad in her class almost died. Thank goodness she saved him, or I don’t think she’d have ever got over it.
I can’t believe that she’s been keeping this in all these years, blaming herself. It must have been eating away inside her. And her mother marrying George and her meeting Alison again has brought it all back up. Poor Lizzie, she’s so consumed with guilt that she’s convinced everyone else blames her too and are out to make her pay. I wish she’d told me, but I can understand why she didn’t. I know what it’s like to carry guilt inside you for years, and to keep a secret from the one you love, scared that they willbe horrified by what you did. This was different though, Lizzie was a child. Whereas I…
‘Liz, you were a kid and it was an accident.’ I kiss her on the forehead. ‘I get that you feel bad about it but you weren’t to know.’
‘That doesn’t change the fact that it’s my fault she died. If I hadn’t put those peanut butter crusts in Ally’s lunchbox, she’d still be alive today. I’ve deprived Ally and Kenny of growing up with a mother. No wonder she’s trying to worm her way in with mine.’ She takes a tissue out of her pocket and wipes the tears from her eyes.
‘Hell, Liz, you were seven. It’s the sort of thing a lot of seven-year-olds would do.’ I hug her tight. ‘Is this why you had the panic attack at the wedding? Does Alison know what you did?’ If she did, why hasn’t she mentioned it to me, I wonder. ‘And what about your mum?’ I ask. Surely if Judith had known she would have reassured Lizzie that it wasn’t her fault.
‘Mum didn’t know, but she does now.’ Lizzie gulps. ‘I thought that Alison was trying to push me out because of what I did, and that she was drugging Mum to make her sleepy, as payback.’
