“Nika?”
I look down and see Pa’s shoes turned toward me.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
Pa crouches and kneels down in front of me when I unfasten the curtain. He did this when I was a kid too—when he wanted to have a “serious talk,” he always lowered himself down, made sure we were seeing each other eye to eye.
“I’m still mad at her,” I say, making sure that point is very clear.
He bows his head and sighs. “Jackie knows. She walked around the mall so you can have time to cool off.”
When that doesn’t move me, Pa adds, “Your sister has been through a lot.”
“Couldn’t be worse thandying.”
Pa draws in a sharper breath when he takes a seat beside me on the fitting room’s bench. I steal a glance at the mirror in front of us and notice Pa’s body flickers in and out. At times, I’m the only one who’s reflected.
Pa shifts when he says, “Maybe we should rethink this whole re-creating memories strategy.”
“What?” My body tenses on my seat. “We already wasted so much time during Christmas. We can’t stop now.”
“But what if this isn’t what’s best for you girls?”
How can having my dad back not be what’s best for us?!
“Don’t let Achi get into your head,” I tell him. “She always acts like she knows everything, but she hasn’t witnessed how you’ve been coming back. You’re almosthere.” I swallow down the emotion when I think of losing Pa again. “You’re taking Achi’s side when she’s been ignoring you.”
“There aren’t any sides here.”
“If there were, you’d be on Achi’s,” I grumble.
“It’s complicated, Nika. You were still so young then…”
“I’m not anymore!” I snap at him. Ugh. I’m so sick and tired of my family using that excuse over and over again.
If my achi heard this, she’d already be midway into scolding me for being so disrespectful. She might never stop lecturing me if she heard how I lashed out at Pa during Christmas too. An apology is hanging on my tongue when I feel Pa squeeze my hand, his fingers tapping the side of my wrist.
“I should’ve handled it better.” His mouth tightens, looking like he’s struggling to find the words. “I’m so sorry I left you and Jackie like that. I could’ve done something earlier…”
Why is Pa apologizing?
“It wasn’t your fault,” I say, immediately trying to console him.
The narrative I heard has always been that Pa’s collapse came out of nowhere. During his wake, the priest gave his whole homily on how to accept the things in this life that we may never understand.
Everything in me quickly deflates when I see Pa’s faded reflection in the mirror. It’s like his spirit is barely holding on.
“Pa, you can’t give up on the sun when it’s just about to rise.”
He looks at me then like I’m speaking in some other language.
“It’s one of your proverbs,” I remind him.
“Oh. Right.” He does a low chuckle. “Hard for me to keep track of all the stuff I make up.”
I can almost hear the glass shattering in my head with the realization.
“Wait. You’ve been making all those quotes up? This whole time?” I ask. “The one about the heart in fancy, the fish in the ocean, that there’s magic behind superstitions?”
