My gaze follows him when he catches my eye. His look then travels over the rest of my face, and his hand moves from the sampaguita to gently lifting my chin. He inches closer and I brush my fingers through his hair. It’s even softer than I imagined.
And when my lips meet Seph’s? I also fully understand why Auntie Baby could talk about her first kiss for years and years.
“Merry Christmas, Ilagan,” he breathes out.
And Auntie Baby did get that one thing right: Christmas is more magical when you’re kissed.
32
I didn’t know joy could cause insomnia too.
My thoughts usually spiral when I go to sleep: What if I say the wrong thing to Ma again tomorrow? What if something happens, and my sister is all the way in Florida?
This is the first time I’m spiraling about something good happening.
“Never have I ever told anyone you were my first crush.”
Seph’s words keep ringing in my ears when I replay what happened in the elevator over and over again. Was that really me? Did I really getkissed?
I hear Achi snoring in the bed next to mine when my hand goes to my mouth, still tender from Seph’s touch. It doesn’t seem real—that I live in a universe where I get my first kiss then spend the night listening to my sister’s snoring.
“Never have I ever told anyone you were my first crush.”
Wait.
Were.
First.
Seph used words that very much imply past tense. I mean, I said that he was my first crush, too, but he confessed first! Ball was very much in his court. He had all the opportunity in the world to expound on his confession.
But he didn’t.
Once the elevator got fixed, we were all so busy trying to console our mothers that Seph and I were all right that no one probed what happened while we were stuck. Pa was the only one shooting me suspicious glances for the rest of the night.Even Seph was acting like the kiss never happened. After Auntie Baby had reached her wine quota, Seph took her home, thanked Ma for hosting, and left our place like it was any other Christmas.
If I’m his first crush, does that mean I’m not hispresentcrush?
Lord. Look how quickly we resorted back to spiraling about sad things. I kick the covers and stumble out of my bed. Nope, nope. It is Christmas Day, and more importantly, the day I got my first kiss. I’m not going to waste my time decoding a boy’s use of past and present tense. There should be no room for sad thoughts today. Happy thoughts only!!!
When I gently close my door and lunge past the two-step stairway to the living room, I find Pa lying down on the couch. Since Achi stayed over tonight, he insisted that he stay outside so we don’t feel too cramped. He didn’t budge even though I argued that a ghost doesn’t really take up much space. I wonder if this is Pa’s form of silent treatment. Is he mad about my comment that he always jokes around and laughs things off?
“You’re still up?” Pa asks when he notices me.
It’s the same thing he asked me before I lost him. The night before everything changed, Pa came into my bedroom to check on me. He always tried to help when I had trouble sleeping.
After he asked if I was still up, Pa tapped my wrist and knelt by my bed. “Let’s make a deal, Superstar,” he whispered. “If you try to get some sleep tonight, we can go somewhere fun after school tomorrow.”
“Promise?” I asked Pa.
I remember Pa saying he promised before kissing me good night.
And then the next day, it was Ma who showed up at dismissal instead of Pa.
He never picked me up from school again.
Stop, stop! I internally scream at my brain. This is Christmas, and on Christmas, there’s room for happy thoughts only!
I’m shaking away any memories of that day when I slide next to Pa on the couch. The stack he kept inside the piano bench is laid across his lap. We haven’t really talked since I snapped at him after noche buena.
