“I’ll be okay, Superstar.” He reaches for my hand and taps my wrist three times.
“It’s easier to find places when you know what they look like.”
“You know what heaven looks like?” Achi checks.
Pa’s eyes smile as he gestures to our family gathered around him in the car.
“Must be something like this.”
The second time our family lost Pa, he was far from alone.
43
FIVE MONTHS LATER
You would think my sister would take a break from our therapy homework for graduation day. We’re already fifteen minutes behind schedule and Achi thinks this is the appropriate moment to pull out her Wheel of Emotions. I made her a pocket-size copy that she can take with her once she leaves for Florida, but I really should’ve given it to her closer to her flight.
“What are we all feeling right now?” she asks.
Jackie Ilagan, everyone. My sister switched from Ms. Emotionally Constipated to Ms. Let’s Talk About Our Feelings.
Dr. Broso introduced the Wheel of Emotions during one of our earlier family therapy sessions. She typically goes through us one by one, asking each of us how we’re doing. My turn was usually the shortest. I always said the same thing, “Nothing much going on.” We only get an hour, so I figured Achi and Ma needed all the time they could get.
But a few sessions later, Dr. Broso looked me in the eye and said, “Nika, if you’re shoving your issues under the rug, that means you’re shoving yourself under the rug.”
She then showed me her Wheel of Emotions—this circular graph that’s supposed to capture the range of human emotions. “Sometimes, we have trouble expressing ourselves because we don’t have the words to describe what we feel.”
After handing me the graph, Dr. Broso said, “Take a look at this. Maybe this could be a good tool for you.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen bothInside Outmovies, so I was fully aware that people have emotions and can name the appropriate colors assigned to each one. Although under the sad category, the wheel branches out to other feelings:
Lonely.
Vulnerable.
Guilty.
Grief.
I didn’t realize that there are so many ways a person can experience sadness. These are all the feelings I’ve never spoken up about with my family.
My sister shoves the wheel in my face again and I cry out, “Achi, we don’t have time!”
Unfortunately, Ma also doesn’t see the urgency of our current situation. “Didn’t Dr. Broso say that our emotions are sending us important information? We should pay attention to them.”
I sigh and land my finger on the wheel.Stressed.
Achi takes her turn and points toNervous.
Ma’s hand lands betweenSadandHappy.
“Great! Now that we’ve gotten the wheel out of the way, let’s move!” I start ushering Ma and Achi out of the condo when Auntie Baby greets us at the door.
“Look at our graduate!” she exclaims as she puts a dozen flower leis around my neck. Her face is fully made up and she’s wearing a pin that saysProud Saint Agnes Alumnaon her dress. “Half of the leis are for Kayla, but I’ll let you hold them for now. Thank goodness I caught you. I thought I’d be too late to pick up my ticket.”
I turn to Ma for help. Is Auntie Baby expecting a ticket fromme? My quota for three graduation tickets was already used up by Ma, Achi, and Dr. Derrick.
But Auntie Baby answers my question for me.
