“That’s not how the world works.”
The look on my dad’s face breaks my heart. “I tried… I really did try.”
A buzzing, tingling sensation appears when my hand closes on Pa’s skin. I can feel the weight of everything he’s been carrying when I cup and cradle his face with my palm, graze the scar above his left eye. I was willing to do anything to bring Pa back for good, and I still would. Part of me wants to keep fighting. I desperately want to tell Pa that I’d commit to being stuck in the past if that meant keeping him around.
His voice is defeated when he whispers, “I hope you can forgive me one day, Superstar.”
Out of everyone, I’m realizing that my father is the one who deserves to move on.
42
We catch Pa up on everything that’s been happening since he’s been gone. It’s also kind of like boot camp to train my sister on how to relax and have fun again. We stay up late while Achi tells Pa how she feels like counseling might be her calling, the moment she was chosen to interview for the PhD program, all the details about the atrocious dental cake Dr. Derrick’s sister made for the wedding.
Pa gets the idea that we can make an even worse teeth cake, but Ma said we already used up all the baking ingredients with the buffet she made to assist Pa’s lost soul.
Achi suggests that we go to the 24–7 convenience store, which we all agree to. But then Pa backs out last minute.
“Go ahead first,” Pa urges us.
“What about you?” Ma asks.
“I’ll stay back to rest for a moment, sweetheart.” He cracks the same smile he puts on when he’s trying to make everything light again. “Gives me time to appreciate the new details around our home.”
After assuring Ma that he’s feeling fine, Pa tries shooing us away again. “It’s getting late. You should get going.”
My heart drops to the floor when I realize what he’s trying to do.
“I’m not missing your last moments, Pa.”
He stops short but gives me a small smile in return. “Who says you’re missing anything, Superstar?”
“I can take it,” I assure him, looking him in the eye so heknows he doesn’t have to hide behind his jokes this time. “We can handle the truth.”
His eyes flit from Ma, Achi, me.
Pa lets out a long exhale before saying, “I’m not sure I can handle telling you the truth.” Tears slide down his cheeks as he looks at each one of us, studying our faces. “I don’t want my girls to see me go,” he confesses. “It’ll be even harder to leave.”
Achi told me that during prom night, Pa excused himself and there was no one else around him when he vanished. None of us got to say goodbye the day he passed all those years ago, either.
Ma chimes in then. “I have an idea.”
It’s just like the million car rides I took as a kid. Sitting in the back seat next to my big sister while Pa gets caught up with Mariah Carey playing on the radio.
“A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.” Pa counts us down during the opening guitar riff and signals for us to sing along with the “doo-doo-doos” flowing through the speakers. Pa guides Achi to pat her lap with the song’s percussion and Ma mouths along to the background vocals as we build up to the chorus. I catch Ma and Achi smile when I start singing in the car with my family for the first time in years.
Ma said she was going to keep driving in circles around the area, but I stopped noticing that we were passing the same streets and sights over and over again.
I take my dad’s advice and only focus on the people I want to see.
Pa belts out the last notes and I can see the tears pooling around his eyes as Ma holds his hand through the ride. Ma suggested we stay in the back of the car, so that this way we getshielded from what happens to Pa. Still, I can sneak glances at Pa through the rearview mirror. My whole chest tightens when his reflection starts to flicker in and out again.
Then I remember what Ma said, about Pa giving up a shot at heaven.
“Pa… after this, you’re gonna be okay, right?”
He looks over his shoulder at me and Achi.
“Like, you’re still going to find a way to heaven?” I ask.
