Embry shrugged. “Maybe. But it got me thinking about how hypocritical it was of me to go postal on you when I’ve kept so much of myself hidden too.”
A frown creased my face. “It ain’t the same thing, Em.”
“Right. Your secret was fucking beautiful. Mine’s a nightmare.”
I couldn’t deny that. “But it’s not who you are. You think we know everything about Saint and all the horrible shit ever happened to him?”
Embry sighed, still smoking the joint. “I know you’re right, but logic is so hard to find when it comes to myself.”
“Stop looking, then. Let it find you.”
That made him laugh. He passed the joint back, our fingers brushing, before his expression sobered. “I got the feeling earlier, when I was talking to Alexei, that there was a lot he wasn’t telling me. And I didn’t ask because I was scared to know. But I want to know. Ineedto. Will you tell me what’s happening?”
It was my turn to sigh around a cloud of herbal smoke. “I don’t know it all. It’s bigger than me now and what I’ve done. Esteban’s at war with Alexei’s old boss, and whatever happens is between them.”
“You’re a pawn?”
“Alexei made it sound that way, but I don’t think he’s telling me everything. He’s gone a lot and Saint is antsy as fuck.”
“What about Sambini?”
“Lorenzo? Him and Carlos are besties now, and he’s definitely getting braver. We’ve been fighting every other night, and there’s too many on the ground to just be old Crows.”
“Too many for us?”
“Not yet.” I cracked my knuckles, blunt jammed in my mouth. “But we’re taking hits. Losing muscle to injury. Even Alexei got hurt the other day. It’s only a matter of time before they get lucky. Catch us right and they could wipe us off the map in one brawl.”
Embry took it all in. Fighting talk riled him up, but he seemed calm enough. “What happened to Alexei? He looked okay and Cam didn’t mention it when I spoke to him.”
“Don’t think Cam knows. Or Saint.”
“For real?”
“For real. I think he showed me as a test, to see if he could trust me.”
“Why? If you told them, it would only be because you gave a shit.”
I thought back to my interactions with Alexei over the past few weeks. He’d always been strange, but the bullshit I’d thrust into his new life with Cam and Saint had made him harder to predict than ever. He was on my side, I had no doubt. But what that meant, I had no idea. “He’s been talking with his old boss, trying to find out if he’ll stand for us when it matters.”
“That makes sense.”
“Right? But at what cost?” My real fears bubbled to the surface. “I think Saint’s worried Alexei is going to do something stupid to save me—to save Cam, and they’re going to lose him, and it’ll be my fault.”
My voice cracked. I covered it with a cough, but Embry sat up and muscled his way into my space, doing that thing he always did when he needed me to listen, straddling my fucking waist. As if my dick pressed against himtherewould help me think better.
Asif.
I stubbed out the smoke and gripped his hips, letting him snare me. “You think I’m wrong?”
Embry leaned down. “I have no idea where Alexei’s head is at, but there’s no way he, or anyone else, is going into this blaming you. The only thing you could’ve done differently is tell us sooner.”
“I never told you at all. Juana and Lili came running, and it’s only pure chance I was there. What if they’d come a couple of days before?”
“Saint would’ve helped them. You told them to run to him for a reason.”
Terror rose in me like a sudden hurricane. I pictured my girls wrestling with Locke and Folk at the gates, tearing across the yard to meet a crowd of stone-faced bikers. Fuck, what if they’d run a year ago and found no one but Cracker Delaney waiting for them? He was long dead, but he’d have sold them out quicker than I could say cunt, and I’d have thrown myself in front of a train the moment I’d ripped his head from his body.
“Hey.” Embry sounded far away. “There’s so much you can’t control here, least of all Alexei. You need to focus on the things you can. Like taking care of yourself and keeping your family safe.”
