No one does.
I definitely don’t deserve to miss him as much as I do.
Do it anyway, though. And it lasts until early afternoon when he comes to find me.
He’s dressed in the shorts he wore when he last worked on the kitchen. There’s a pencil behind his ear and dust on his arms.Fuck me, he’s gorgeous. Tired too, if the lines on his handsome face mean something.You shouldn’t have left him on the couch last night.But what the fuck was I supposed to do? Drag him to my bed? Hustle him to his? We’reroommates.If he wants to stay up five hours after me, there’s not much I can do about it.
Except, apparently, be fucking rude. “You look like shit.”
Kai nods. “Thanks, bro.”
“What time did you go to bed?”
“I didn’t.”
“What?”
Kai shrugs. “Insomnia gets me sometimes, and I wasn’t in the mood for a Xanax.”
“What did you do instead?”
“My taxes. Called my brother in Zurich.”
“That’s nice. The brother part, I mean. Fuck taxes.”
Kai laughs and scrubs a hand down his weary face. “They’re not so bad. I’d rather spend a few hours wrangling them than the other bullcrap the Xanax is good for.”
I crouch to open the refrigerated drawers and pull out a defrosted fillet of New England haddock. Tired I can’t fix, but I can smash the shit out of hungry. “Bad dreams?”
He doesn’t answer right away. He watches me flour and batter the fish with the mix I made up yesterday and lower a basket of fries. “Not dreams. I’d have to be asleep for those. More panic-induced flashbacks. I get agitated that I can’t sleep, and it shoves me into the past, you know?”
Not exactly. But I’ve had enough messed-up nights of my own to almost understand. “Wake me up next time. I mean, if company would help. You don’t have to be alone with it.”
“I do, though. That’s the thing. I’ve spent so much time running to other people and it doesn’t fuckin’ help.” Frustration seeps into Kai’s deep, rumbly voice. He takes his backwards cap from his head and crushes it in his hands. “Sorry. I don’t talk about it much. So when I finally do, it kinda falls out of me.”
“Mate, if you knew me without my meds. The shit that falls out of my mouth when I’m off-my-tits hyper is unbelievable.”
“Is it wrong that I want to see that?”
“No. ADHD can be fun. Being an impulsive, reckless hooligan has taken me around the world.”
“Is that how you ended up in Bali?”
“Of course. It’s how I ended up here. Unmedicated, I’d probably be on Mars by now.”
“Not Jupiter?” A slow smile twists Kai’s lips. He likes planets. He has a projecting solar system lamp in his bedroom. I’ve seen it. Not that I’ve been in his bedroom. Or spent an inordinate time peeking through his door, honest.
“I’d go if you did.”
Kai’s grin widens. “Why?”
“Cos you’re fun.” I check the fries and drop the haddock in the other fryer. “Pass me the peas from the big fridge?”
Kai turns and opens the fridge, finding the tub of bright green sludge without me elaborating. He was there when I made it yesterday. “Do you heat these up?”
“Yeah. I’ll show you.”
I finish the dish, plating the fish with the fries, the peas, and the tartar sauce I’ve discovered he loves. “There you go. Eat up.”
