Brix sat back, letting his head gently knock the stone behind him. “I didn’t drag you up here to convince you that I love you. I can show you that, every day, until you believe it.”
“You want to talk about sex?”
“Am I that transparent?”
“No, I just can’t think of anything else that would have you rambling like a maniac.”
“I’m not rambling.”
“Warming up to it, though, aren’t you?”
Brix couldn’t deny it. Talking—God, thinking—about sex had been off the table for so long, he’d almost forgotten how. “There’s an article online that says it’s likely safe for us to fuck without rubbers while I’m undetectable. I won’t ever test that theory, even if the science makes sense. If we’re going to do this, you gotta know that.”
Calum nodded and waved his hand for Brix to continue.
“I’m not promising that I can do it, either. I’m so fucking scared of hurting someone, Cal, I reckon my dick has probably turned to ash.”
“I doubt it, mate. Felt pretty solid to me.”
Heat flooded Brix’s cheeks. He gave Calum a playful shove, glad the cave hid his blush. “I’m serious. Thinking about it gives me palpitations.”
Calum held up his hands. “Okay, so try and look at it from another angle, then. Lee told me she had terrible panic attacks when she first came here. Couldn’t get on the bus by herself. She said you helped her get over it. What did you do?”
“I took the bus to Bodmin with her every day until she could do it on her own.”
“Then what?”
Brix shook his head slightly. “I followed the bus in the van so she could get off anytime she wanted. Sounds like madness now.”
“So why did you do it?”
“Because she deserved better than to be afraid of something so ordinary.”
Calum spread his hands, like he’d made his case. “Why is sex any different? In this context, at least? If it’s something you want—and I’m not saying it has to be—but if it is, why shouldn’t you have it? Why do you deserve that normalcy any less than Lee does?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“Isn’t it? Seems to me you and Lee were both fucked over by the very people who were supposed to protect you. You helped her get over that, but you won’t let me help you with this.”
“I do want it . . . I want you.”
“I know. You just gotta let yourself have me.”
Brix sighed, letting loose a gust of air that seemed to lessen the weight on his chest. “I don’t know when, or how, but I’d like to try. Soon. Perhaps. Maybe.”
“And I’ll be here whenever that is. I’m not waiting on it, though, mate. What we already have is more than enough.”
There wasn’t much left to say with words. They’d kissed too many times for Brix to count, but as their lips met, it felt like the first time Brix had ever lost himself in the gentle, dizzying sweep of Calum’s tongue. He fell into the kiss, one hand sliding past Calum’s coat and under his T-shirt.
Calum’s body had hardened since he’d ditched his city habits of kebabs and Tube rides for fresh Cornish produce and walks by the sea. Brix traced a path over his stomach and chest, clawed up Calum’s neck to his beard, the inky scruff on his jawline that made Brix’s head swim. He scratched his fingers through it, scrambling up on his knees and pushing Calum against the wall. A lightbulb in his head smashed, but instead of darkness came light, and it was only Calum’s arm, tight like a vice around him, that tied him to the murky cliff-top cave.
Calum pulled away, gasping, his eyes wide. “Jesus.”
In answer, Brix kissed him again, hard, and then more lightly as his pulse slowed. “Oops. Guess it’s gonna be like breaking a dam?”
Calum chuckled. “I hope so . . . or maybe I don’t. Not sure how much of that I can handle.”
“We should probably head home, then.”
