Shay sighed deeply and admitted, “He rubs me the wrong way.”
“Me too. I should hate him, but I find him interesting and want to rub my genitals against his.”
“Maybe it’s just attraction,” Shay suggested. “Zodiac is handsome. He’s a powerful guy like the men you grew up around. Maybe you’d think more clearly if you rubbed your genitals against his a few times.”
“No,” Ford said, scaring the shit out of us by appearing from a back hallway. “You need to wait until the baby is born. See how he acts with the kid. Only then should you give him the time of day.”
“But she wants to use him as a human vibrator,” Shay told Ford, who narrowed his gaze at her words. “Not all sex has to lead to marriage like it did with us. It’s not like you married the two women before me.”
Ford snorted and stroked her throat. “That’s right. There were only two chicks before you. Hell, I was nearly a virgin when we met.”
Shay snickered at his bullshit while I frowned at how my dad put a roadblock on my plan to get laid.
“But Mom thinks I might just be horny,” I told Ford. “If I get that out of my system, I might be able to see Zodiac more clearly.”
“You have a vibrator,” Ford said while settling next to Shay on the couch. “What purpose does Zodiac serve?”
“I’m horny for him.”
“Imagine him while you do your business.”
“Wait, so you think Mom could be just as sexually satisfied by a vibrator and happy thoughts of you? If so, why are you always in the bedroom together?”
“BecauseIcan’t get off without her help,” Ford said and sighed deeply in that way he did when he was full of shit. “I’m an old man, and the blue pills only help so much.”
“I’m rethinking our family’s openness toward sex,” I muttered while my mom giggled at how Ford’s hand slid up her shirt. “Mom’s plan sounds better than your wait-and-see approach.”
“What if you and Zodiac get along well in the bedroom?” Ford asked. “Imagine if you two date and goof off for the rest of your pregnancy. Then, the baby is born, and he acts like a shithead. Won’t it be harder to ditch his ass if you’ve gotten attached?”
“That’s a good point,” I replied before immediately shooting down his good point. “But maybe getting my field plowed now will help me think straight by the time the baby is born. I’ll also understand Zodiac better before I’m vulnerable after giving birth.”
“No,” Ford insisted. “Getting close to him now puts you in a bad situation. He could win your heart and then be a shit dad. Or he could piss you off and be a good dad. Either way, your feelings will battle with reality.”
Sighing dramatically, I whined, “But I want to explore his tattoos and see if he can make me hum while I’m sober.”
“Fine. You can fuck one time while sober,” Ford said and lifted his index finger. “Just once. But no dating until the baby is born, and you know if he’ll act like a shithead with your kid.”
“Do you think he’ll be a shithead?” Shay asked Ford.
“Of course. I just can’t be sure how much of a shithead. Will he be dismissive toward the kid or an actual threat?”
Frowning, I muttered, “Let’s back up to where I got permission from my dad to have sex. As a twenty-eight-year-old woman, should I be insulted by that?”
“Well, you didn’t get my permission the last two times, and there was drama.”
“My reckless sexcapades are why you have grandchildren!” I cried, making my parents laugh. “Has Clint given you a tiny human to cuddle with? And, no, Ivy doesn’t count. Besides, you know Lula will get knocked up soon. That’ll give Pax the same number of grandchildren as you. Dad, you’re going to lose against him in the grandchildren wars!”
Ford didn’t buy into my theatrics. “Pax was always going to have more grandchildren, considering he has four kids.”
“I don’t think Sabrina wants kids,” Shay said and shrugged. “That’s what Bebe thinks anyway.”
“No,” I corrected. “Sabrina doesn’t want to carry the baby. She said she’s open to Moe or Xandy playing incubator.”
Ford rubbed his beard. “Rowdy claimed he doesn’t want kids until he’s fifty and finds a broodmare. Of course, he might have been kidding. I’ve decided to believe Rowdy was serious. That way, I can criticize Pax’s parenting.”
“Vanessa wants a cat before she has a baby,” I told my parents and searched the fridge for a snack. “Also, she doesn’t want a man, so it’ll be a bar hookup situation.”
“What happened to romance?” Shay balked as she frowned at my dad. “You sent me flowers and your STD results. I swooned so hard.”
