‘You never asked me.’
‘For fuck’s sake.’ Vic shook her head.
The cab tooted outside.
‘I’m doing it, Vic. Give me a bit of time and maybe we can be friends – just not right now, OK?’ His voice went to a whisper. ‘I’m so sorry.’ His voice rasped into a sob.
Vic quietly shut the door behind him and slid down it to the floor. Drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, she sank deep in thought. Nate was right: he did know her so well. Shewasclinging on to what she knew, because she was so scared of the unknown. Before her HIV diagnosis, time away from him had made her realise that she needed to step up and out of the relationship. To find her way with her art and realise what exactly it was that would make her happy. And as much as she did still have feelings for him, they had been drifting for a while –shehad been drifting for a while – and as much as Nate said he felt like a coward for walking away, she appreciated that it had also taken a hell of a lot of guts to make that decision. Of course, he had every right to be angry, every right to be afraid. And, HIV or no HIV, he had every right to leave her.
EIGHTEEN
LONDON
The Reactions
Three days later was Ray’s first day back from his holidays, and he called Vic into his office. She sat opposite him with a coffee and a sad face. Thankfully Penny wasn’t in, so Vic didn’t have her inquistive eyes burying into the back of her through the glass wall. Her long-standing boss shut the file that he had been fingering on his desk and leant forward with his hands clasped in front of him.
‘I was going to say happy New Year, but with your face looking like a smacked arse and those sad red eyes, I don’t think I dare. Do you want to talk about it?’
Vic sighed heavily. ‘I’ve had a terrible few weeks.’ Her bottom lip wobbled.
Ray took a sip of coffee. ‘I guessed that,’ he replied gently. ‘It’s not like you to have any time off work, so when you said you had an emergency to deal with before Christmas, I knew it was serious.’
‘Mum’s not good. She’s drinking far too much and she had afall.’ Vic closed her eyes and took another breath to centre herself.
‘Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that. Is she OK now?’
‘She clearly bounced.’ Vic managed a smile. ‘Bit of a bruised face and that was it.’ Ray remained silent. Vic took a big drink from her Glovers-branded mug. ‘Nate and I have split up.’
‘As in split, “we’re on a break” like Ross and Rachel?’ He used his fingers to make fake inverted commas. ‘Or as in, split “it’s big shit and we are really over this time”?’
‘It’s big shit, Ray.’ Vic sighed heavily. ‘He’s moving up to the Lake District at the weekend.’
‘Wow. That does sound pretty final. How are you feeling?’
‘How do you think I’m feeling?’ Vic spat.
‘Stupid question alert. Sorry.’ Ray leant over and squeezed one of her hands.
‘No, I’m sorry for snapping. We both cheated, Ray, so we weren’t happy. I know that.’
‘Whoa, OK. Newsflash!’
‘Yes, yes, I kept it all in. I wasn’t being the best of partners, but I still cared.’ Her voice had gone to a whisper. ‘I just didn’t know where the relationship was going. We didn’t communicate. I got stressed and then didn’t fancy sex and that’s why it happened.’ She shook her shoulders as if to pull herself together and made a funny whining noise.
‘I think you should stop beating yourself up, Vic. He made the choice to cheat. And you have no God-given duty to have sex with anyone, even your partner, if you don’t want to.’
‘I guess not,’ Vic whimpered.
‘I know not,’ Ray confirmed.
Vic’s face screwed up into an ugly ball of hurt and pain. ‘Everything is such a mess, a fucking mess.’ Suddenly, it was like a dam had burst, and rivers of anguish began to flood out in a gush of uncontrollable sobbing.
Ray went off to the loo, came back with a toiletroll and handed it to her. He awkwardly went to hug her from behind and then danced back again before he reached her, but when he decided to go for it again, she pushed him away, mortified. Through her sobs, she said, ‘This is so unprofessional. I’m sorry.’ She blew her nose loudly, calmed down a bit and her breathing began to hitch.
‘If I’d employed you for your professionalism, you’d have been lucky to have made a year, not ten.’ Ray sat back in front of her and peered at her, evidently keen to see what reaction this attempt at humour would get.
‘I can see why you want to just employ men.’ Vic sniffed loudly and managed a weak smile through her now ebbing tears. ‘I’m an emotional wreck.’
