‘Please let me in, Nate.’
‘I just can’t, Vic, I just can’t. I’m so angry with you. I know I cheated, but fuck me. I can’t cope with this. HIV – it’s huge and I… I’ve been thinking so much about everything, about us, about what all this means and… and I’m sorry, so, so sorry, Vic, but I don’t think I can be with you.’
‘What do you mean, you can’t be with me?’ Vic had a level of panic in her voice she didn’t even recognise. Tears began to roll down both of their faces.
‘Vic, be honest. I know you so well that I’m not even sure you want to be with me anymore anyway.’
Vic squirmed.
‘And how can we possibly ever lead a normal life now? Ifyou did decide you wanted kids, then there would be so much to think about.’
‘I don’t care about that now,’ Vic cried. ‘In fact, that’s the least of my bloody worries.’
‘And I can’t bear to see you suffer either.’ Nate’s face was pained.
‘Nate, the treatments are so much better than they were. You are being short-sighted. Who knows what’s going to happen to anyone? You could get run over by a bus tomorrow. I need you.’ As she said it, she realised it was true.
‘You could have fucking killed me!’ he suddenly shouted.
‘Ssh, you’ll wake Orla.’ Vic reached for some kitchen roll and blew her nose loudly. ‘You’re being fucking ridiculous now. And of course I didn’t know I had it when we had sex. Who do you think I am, Nate? And we could make this work. I don’t even have to start taking the drugs for ages. I may have got this virus inside me, but I’m not any different. I’m still me. I’m still the same old Vic. Nothing changes. We just have to have sex using a condom. That’s all.’
Nate’s voice dropped to a whisper. ‘I’d be too frightened.’ He reached for his coat. ‘I’m so sorry, Vic.’
‘Nate, don’t do this, please. We can learn about it together.’ Vic felt like she could hardly breathe.
‘I’m going to go back to the flat.’ Nate patted his jeans pocket to check for his keys.
‘I’ll come with you.’ There was desperation in Victoria’s voice.
‘No. This is hard enough as it is.’ Nate went to use the toilet and came back. ‘And be honest, Vic. You haven’t been happy for ages, have you? And whilst the honesty box is out, I never felt good enough for you, ever!’ He shouted the last word.
Vic felt a pain of sadness shear through her.
‘Oh, Nate. I had no clue.’
Nate carried on his drunken tirade. ‘And I want to besomebody’s choice because they see the value I bring to their life, not a default option because of some stupid fucking virus.’
Vic dropped her head. ‘OK, yes. Maybe I felt like I wasn’t living life the way I wanted to with you. But I still cared. I still loved you.’
‘Loved? You still loved me? And there I rest my case.’ Nate shook his head. His voice softened. ‘Because, rightly or wrongly, you clearly don’t love me anymore, Vic. And that’s OK. It is what it is.’
Vic welled up again, then said softly, ‘But I need you, Nate. Please don’t leave me. I need you more now than I ever have. I can’t do this on my own.’
Nate started to cry again. ‘I can’t.’ Tears rolled slowly down his face. ‘Call me a coward, call me what you will, but I’m not staying with someone who is just with me out of fear of being alone. I want someone who stays because they can’t imagine life without me.’ He faltered. ‘And call me weak, but the only reason I cheated on you was because your signals were so mixed and I needed to feel wanted, Vic. I have needs, too, you know.’
Vic let out a massive sob and blubbered, ‘I know you do. I can’t imagine life without you. Especially now.’
The graveness of the situation and the black coffee had brought Nate to his sober senses. ‘You can’t imagine life without me now, Vic. Now that you think nobody else will want you, you mean.’ He reached for his phone and rang a taxi. ‘Five minutes. I’m gonna wait outside.’ He walked towards the door and turned around. ‘But you mustn’t think like that. You have a beautiful soul, Vic.’ He managed to gulp back his emotion as he turned the catch. ‘And scared or not scared of catching this wretched virus, I can’t just stay with someone who doesn’t love me because I feel sorry for them, either.’
‘I need to move back to our flat this weekend,’ Vic blurted, then added, ‘Aletta is coming back here. We can talk more then. Please, Nate. I can’t do this without you.’
Nate took a deep breath and shook his head. ‘Let me know how much I owe you, because I’ll be gone on Sunday.’
‘What do you mean, gone?’ Vic screwed her face up in anguish.
‘I’m going back up to the Lake District. Someone Dad knows is looking for a live-in chef/handyman. It’s beautiful grounds and I get a cottage to live in included with the job. I grew up in the area. I love it up there, Vic, and it will make this easier for both of us.’
‘You never said anything about still loving it up there.’
