‘No, no, how can that be possible?’ Nate’s voice was softer now. Silent tears were running down Vic’s cheeks. ‘Oh God.’ He went to hug her. She pushed him away. ‘Fuck! Vic, what does this even mean?’
‘It means we’ve both got a virus that affects our immune system and we will need medication for the rest of our lives to keep us alive, basically. You’ll need to go to the hospital as soon as you can, to get tested.’
Nate put his hand to his head. ‘I feel fine.’
‘Yes, so do I. We need to get clued up, the pair of us. We will feel fine, for a while…’ She paused. ‘Have you had any kind of flu since you shagged her?’
Nate screwed his face up. ‘No. Why? You’re scaring me now, Vic. I can’t have got it. It’s impossible.’
‘How else have I got it? We’ve been together six years, Nate.’
‘Well, what about you? There’s nothing you’re not telling me? No chance you could have caught this from someone else?’
Vic bit her lip. This was the time, she had to stop being a coward. ‘But…’ She hesitated, then forced words out at a hundred miles an hour. ‘I did sleep with someone else too. In Brighton, at the hen weekend.’
Nate’s face crumpled. ‘And you’ve given me all this shit and allowed me to feel all this pain and guilt, and you’re no better than me.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Vic started to sob again. ‘I’m so fucking sorry.’
‘So how do you know Mr Brighton hasn’t given it to you?’
‘We used a condom, that’s why.’
‘So did I!’ Nate shouted.‘Every time. Do you really think I’d be that much of a cunt to sleep with someone behind your back without one?’
‘Every time?’ Vic growled. ‘You said you only did it twice.And for the record, I didn’t think you were that much of acuntthat you’d sleep with someone else full stop!’
‘Pot kettle, Vic.’ Nate pulled at his hair. ‘For fuck’s sake. What is happening here?’
He reached for his wine glass, and in doing so caught the bottle of open wine, sending it smashing to the floor. ‘Bollocks!’ He grabbed his keys and headed to the front door.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I need some air, I need to clear my head. I need to think…’ Nate grabbed his coat off the chair. ‘And I need to digest exactly what is going on here. Because I feel like I’m going to explode because, whatever the outcome, you’ve got HIV, Vic, and I might have it too. And that’s fucking serious shit and… and… despite it all, I still love you.’
The door slammed behind him.
Vic sat down, her face ravaged with pain. Nate was right: this was fucking serious shit. And despite this, he had still just declared his love for her. And the worrying thing was that she could easily have said it right back. But after time apart and too much time to think about the reality of the situation, she wasn’t sure, if she said it now, that she would be saying it for the right reasons.
She jumped as her phone pinged. It was a text from her mum saying what a lovely Christmas she had had. Then, on pressing the voicemail button, all her fears rushed at her like a bull to a matador.
‘Victoria, it’s Danny. You know, Brighton Danny. I need to talk to you urgently, ideally face to face. I can get the train to Clapham and meet you there, or come to Brighton. Up to you. Just let me know, OK? It’s really important. Call me.’
Victoria ran to the kitchen sink and promptly threw up.
FIFTEEN
BRIGHTON
The Realisation
Victoria sat on the bench where she and Danny Miller had first met, her eyes trained on the grey-skied horizon. Her thoughts turned to Nate and the fear and pain she had seen in his eyes before he had upped and left the night before. She had called him several times but in true Nate style, he didn’t want to talk – he needed space to think. So she had eventually left him an emotional message telling him it was highly likely Danny had given it to her and that, from what she had read, it was less likely that Nate had it, as woman-to-man transmission was possible, but rare. Then, after clearing up the mess of the smashed wine bottle, she had booked a room in Brighton for the night and headed to the train station.
She checked her watch for the second time.
‘Mind if I join you?’ She looked up, to find a red-eyed Danny standing in exactly the same place he had stood back in October. She gave him a weak smile, and he bent to kiss her on the cheek, then sat down and lit a cigarette.
‘If only we could rewind to that night, eh?’ Vic bit her lip.
