‘There’s a lot more to you than that.’ Vic felt tears sting her eyes. ‘I’m so glad you’ve said something.’
‘I miss it, Vic. I miss us. I miss the closeness we used to have. If you don’t want to be with me, then just tell me. I’m a big boy, you know. I can take it.’
‘Can you ever see yourself marrying me, Nate?’
‘Wow! Sharpie! What the fuck?’ Nate took a huge slug of wine. ‘You can do better than that for a proposal, though, can’t you?’ He smirked.
‘Stop diverting. I want to know.’ Vic didn’t smile. ‘Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?’
‘Well… the whole marriage thing… erm… not yet. This entire day must have cost a fortune. We need money to do that, and your mum and my dad are hardly rolling in it, are they? And we have zero savings, don’t we? And I kind of don’t believe in it, really.’
An unexpected dart of relief ran through her. ‘And how about having kids? Is that even on your radar?’
‘Whoa, Vic. What’s happening here?’ Nate took another huge glug of wine.
Tears started to run slowly down Vic’s face. ‘It’s just… with Mandy getting married, I kind of thought that might be the next step for us. And look… Nate.’ Her ‘say nothing, do nothing until the time was right’ plan suddenly fell into swing. The time had come. ‘I love you, Nate, but I’m not sure we are travelling in the same direction anymore.’
‘I love you,too,Vic. A bit of paper won’t change anything. And as for kids, never say never. Let’s talk about it. If it’s what you want, we can make it work.’
‘That’s the thing – I don’t even know if I want kids. And you’re hardly stable where jobs are concerned. I don’t want to struggle like my mum has all her life. And if I’m honest, afterthe turmoil I faced growing up, I’d worry so much about being a good enough mum.’
‘So, you’re prepared to give us up to go and find some rich geezer to give you the life you want. Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Don’t be silly. That’s not what I want. I don’t need to be looked after.’ Fuelled by alcohol, Vic’s subconscious began to do its usual job of rearing its head. ‘It makes me so angry that we’ve never had an open and honest conversation about what we want out of life. As long as I’ve known you, we’ve just skipped around,playingat life.’
‘No, we have been living it, Vic. Like everybody else. Getting through and making the best of it. So come on, then, let’s talk now. I didn’t even know you were thinking like this. Which makes you as much to blame here as me with this one. I would happily continue as we are forever. Bloody society setting its two-point-two-kid ratio, and women having to be married by a certain age, and the importance placed on owning a house. It’s all bullshit!’
‘And there lies the problem.’ Vic took a drink. ‘I want to do more with my life. With my art. And as women, wedohave a countdown with regards to a family.’
‘Make your mind up, Vic. What is it – marriage? Kids? Work? Are you not happy with anything in your life?’
‘This is it. I’m so confused. I don’t actually know what will make me happy. There, I said it. And… maybe us women, we can’t have it all?’ Victoria paused and sighed. ‘And I don’t even know if I want it all or…’ Another pause. ‘Or maybe running away and living off the landisthe right answer.’
‘Living off the land? What the hell are you on about?’ He put his hand on top of hers. ‘I’ve never stopped you doing anything, Vic, ever. In my humble opinion, you are stopping yourself.’ Nate became animated. ‘You have the talent, and youhavethe balls. I am in awe of your creativity. A little bit jealous, in fact. You know what you are good at! Follow your dreams,Vic. There is nothing that would make me happier. And as for you having a baby, if you decide that’s what you want, then let’s worry about it when it happens. Stop overthinking everything.’
He took her hand and squeezed it. ‘Any kid would be lucky to call you its mum.’
‘You mean that?’ Vic’s voice was childlike.
Nate nodded. ‘Of course I do.’
‘And have I really got the talent?’
Nate sighed deeply. ‘For fuck’s sake, Vic, you make things so hard for yourself.’ He downed his wine and suddenly looked serious. ‘And I don’t think you realise quite how hard it is loving someone who clearly doesn’t love herself.’
Nate’s hand reached for Vic’s, their fingers gently squeezing and then, in their drunken haze, in the dark corner of a noisy wedding, they were kissing. A tender kiss that conveyed a multitude of unspoken emotions. The familiarity of each other’s searching lips rekindling a flame that had been dimmed, but not extinguished.
Back in their hotel room, their lovemaking went from fast and furious to loving and tender. Passionate yet a little angry. Intimate yet defiant. Nate, ever the considerate and compassionate lover, ensuring Vic was sated before he came, too. As he did he burst into tears. Vic had never seen Nate cry.
‘Darling, what’s wrong?’ Vic kissed his forehead.
‘If we are going to be open and honest with each other, then I have to tell you something. Something really bad.’ Biting his lip, he turned his head away.
‘You’re scaring me now. What is it?’ Vic sat up in bed. Nate got up, went to the bathroom, and put on the soft, white hotel robe, which looked comically short on his long body. ‘Just tell me!’ Vic urged.
‘You know the weekend you went to Brighton?’
‘Yes.’ Vic’s voice shook, the drink escalating her anger.
