This hurts, but it also allows me to breathe for the first time in days. I inhale deeply, and my shoulders relax as I release it through my lips.
Pain is a part of life. I can’t run from it anymore.
Cody’s eyes search my face. Is he surprised that I’m not angry?
“He cornered me after class, and I didn’t have the energy to lie. I know it wasn’t my secret to tell, but…” His shrug seems a little defiant. “It’s done. If you hate me, so be it.”
A smile rises to my lips, and Cody’s eyes grow wide. “You’re not pissed at me?” His tone is incredulous.
I rub the stain of lip gloss on the lid of my cup, smearing the tiny ridges. Serena applied the tinted shea butter right before I left as she scolded me for biting my chapped lips. I’ve been in such a fog the past twenty-four hours, and I probably look like hell.
I don’t even care that everyone can see what a mess I am. People have been staring ever since I left Serena’s dorm and walked over here, which was to be expected. The game announced that I dropped out on all their social media pages less than an hour after I sent the email.
Everyone can see that my life is falling apart, and I don’t care. I’m wearing my humiliation like a badge.
I’m being honest for the first time in my life.
“No, I’m not pissed at you,” I finally say. “It was all so…petty. You told me that from the very beginning.”
He frowns. “You didn’t give me permission to tell anyone. Especially not Tristan of all people. You should be pissed. I betrayed you.”
A laugh bursts from my chest, and it makes my limbs grow light. This is the first time I’ve laughed in days. “Are you trying to talk me into it?”
His expression softens. “Is everything okay? You’re not yourself.”
I let out a long sigh. “No, I’m not okay. I’m heartbroken. And for once, I’m wearing my feelings on my sleeve.” I smile mischievously. “Does it bother you? Do you miss snarky Amy?”
He shifts in his seat, looking a little unsettled. “Yes, I miss her. I’ve been missing you like crazy these past few weeks. I hate that you’re heartbroken.” His jaw clenches. “He doesn’t deserve it.”
“I don’t know. I think heartbreak is a sign of living a full life. People who are heartbroken are lucky, in a way, because it means they loved.”
He laughs humorlessly. “So you love Tristan?”
My stomach flips over. I didn’t mean to imply that I love Tristan. I was mostly just sorting out my new philosophy by talking through it. But this pain in my heart is undeniable. If Tristan were either a diabolical villain or a careless fuckboy, would I feel his loss this acutely?
“I don’t know,” I mutter, and Cody flinches as if I gave him a definite yes.
“You love him,” he says. “I saw it happening all along, and I…” His jaw clenches. “I couldn’t stand it.”
My stomach drops. The pain in his voice is unmistakable.
I refuse to hide from it. I reach across the table and set my hand on his arm. “There was always going to be someone, Cody. Maybe it won’t be Tristan, but it will be someone. You’re my dearest friend, but I don’t…”
My thoughts scatter like sparks in a campfire. How do I tell someone I love that I can never love him that way?
“You don’t have to say it.” He huffs, shaking his head. “I’ve known it for years. And yes, I always knew there would be someone.”
Tears hover behind my eyes. “And you… Can you learn to be okay with it?”
The silence that stretches between us is agonizing.
“I don’t know,” he finally says. “I’ll have to think about it. I still need…space.”
A tear falls, but I don’t brush it away. “You can take all the time you need.” My voice is choked. “I’ll be waiting.”
His eyes flash. “I can’t promise anything. We’ll probably never be as close as we used to be.”
Another tear falls. “I’ll take whatever I can get.”
