“Or we can just go our separate ways until we meet again.”
I nod though I know he’s not asking me. Seb doesn’t care what I think. The only feelings he has towards me are his justifiable rage and this bitter twisted lust.
His right hand catches me around the side of my neck, his thumb reaching up to stroke against my jaw, the rough pad igniting a shiver as he caresses the soft hollow behind my ear.
“I guess it’s my turn to run away.”
“I didn’t—” My voice breaks off as my gaze catches against his. The bitter rage recedes for a second, leaving an ocean of wistfulness in its place. Then the fire burns hot again.
“We both know you did.” Seb leans closer, whispering straight into my ear, the sounds barely audible. “Just like we both know you’ll fall asleep tonight thinking about us. How often have you made yourself come while thinking about last time?”
I pull away, putting on my jacket. I fling the door open, lurching from the room on legs that feel like termite infested stilts, about to break and spill me to the ground at any moment as they jerkily carry me downstairs, through the back door, onto the dark streets, stumbling toward the school, my room, my bed.
What should be my safe place. The place where none of the shit from my past could find me.
The pulse of shame is as strong as the pulse beating between my legs as I think oflast time.How he’d trapped me in my secret hideaway, a collapsing shed hidden in the woods behind my adoptive parents’ ostentatiously large house.
And I’m glad the darkness hides my face because the truth is that’s the memory always guaranteed to get me off. My secret weapon when nothing from the sweetest pussy-licking video to the roughest hole-stuffing gang bang porn doesn’t come close to doing the trick.
I don’t need a toy to help, barely need my fingers.
If the question is how often?
Try every fucking night.
CHAPTERFOUR
ESME
The next morning,after checking in with the receptionist, I slink to a seat in the clinic waiting room and sit, getting comfortable for the long delay. Because Kingswood College is a full-time boarding school, the support facilities it provides remain open even during the term breaks.
I suppose it shouldn’t be such a surprise to find the clinic overflowing since everyone’s on holiday, enjoying themselves, but I’m still alarmed as I glance at the other occupants from my peripheral vision, trying not to stare.
Four girls and two boys take up half the remaining seats. One guy catches me looking and brightens, his eyes scanning me from head to toe.
Wouldn’t have thought a health clinic doubled as a pickup lounge, but since we’re probably all here for similar reasons, I guess it fits.
I stare at my nails to stop my eyes wandering, pushing back the cuticles, and picking at a smear of colour that survived the last attack with polish remover.
My mind keeps trying to circle back to last night and I keep trying to distract it. An endeavour that takes up far more energy than it deserves.
My bully is back.
The boy I used to crush on so hard it made my legs tremble and my chest ache. The one I was friends with until I betrayed him by accusing his mother. Until I refused to explain no matter how hard he begged. Until his frustration finally made him turn his inner torment into outer fury aimed at one target. Me.
My bully who finally got so far under my skin that I told him I would fuck him whenever and however he wanted if he would just stop. Then betrayed again by telling on him, running where he couldn’t follow.
Evading my responsibility while I left him in the shit.
Now fate has twisted him into my path again. My secrets are in danger of being exposed.
The weight of emotions that used to choke me daily return, clogging my airways and pressing hard against my chest. My fingers wander to the tops of my thighs, picking at the denim where it rubs against my scars. A glob of sadness rises in my throat, making my eyes water and my nose sting.
Welcome to self-pity valley. Occupancy, one.
There are a thousand other things I should think about. Essays I should script for class. A practical research assignment that I’d been looking forward to yesterday but which, for now, I can’t work up any enthusiasm.
The dark boulder of Seb’s return sits at the top of the hill, casting a long shadow over my day. At any second a single gust of wind could send it careening downwards, obliterating everything in its path. Laying waste to all the good things I spend the last year building.
