But it no longer feels that way. Warmth spreads through me and it’s not just from her body resting against mine.
It’s from the thought that she likes me. She trusts me. She knows I won’t hurt her. That’s why she’s letting me curl her into my arms. Letting me hug her like a soft toy that drives away the monsters hiding in the darkness.
“Once I started hitting him, I couldn’t stop.”
“That’s not murder.” Her voice is so indignant it makes me smile. “That barely counts as manslaughter. Why the hell did they lock you away when you were acting in self-defence?”
“Because I beat a man to death with my bare hands and that hardly translates to being scared for my safety?”
“Bullshit. Self-defence can be in defence of others, too. What was your lawyer thinking?”
Probably that his legal aid cheque wasn’t worth the bother. “He thought it was easier to agree to my request to plead guilty than to fight and I wanted to keep Rachel out of it as much as possible.”
Nadia twists to rest her palm on my chest, staring straight into my eyes, hers blazing like mini suns. “That’s bullshit, too. You kept her and the baby safe and she didn’t defend you?”
“She was distraught. Still traumatised from her time with him, a baby on the way. It was alot.”
“So’s serving time in prison when you did nothing wrong.”
The words cause chaos in my head. My mind sees the images so clearly, it’s like I’ve time travelled. When I raise my hand to shield my eyes from a patch of sun, I expect to see it dripping red.
Razek’s face springs into my mind, too. What was left of it.
“And what does she think about your escape attempt? About you piling another few years onto your sentence.”
“I don’t—”
“You’re leaving her to raise the child alone. You know that, right?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“It is. You could’ve been out in three or four years, but you won’t now. Not after this. Even if I—” She breaks off, her eyes cutting away from mine.
And what was she going to say? Even if I stand up for you. Even if I take the blame for Razek. Even if my victim impact statement contains a glowing review.
My guts twist.
Even if I don’t turn you in?
“She doesn’t want me involved, anyway,” I say just to stop my brain from sifting through the possibilities. “I’ve talked to her dad more about this baby than to her. Now he won’t take my calls, either.” More softly, I whisper, “I didn’t know what else to do.”
All I want is a baby, a family. I can’t articulate how scared I am right now that the opportunity is passing through my fingers, and I don’t know how to stop it. An opportunity I doubt I’ll have again.
So, I did what I always do and blundered ahead with the only plan I could think of, no matter how dumb it seems in retrospect.
“Okay.” Nadia shifts, and I take that as a signal to stand, helping her to her feet and leading her back to the car, a journey we walk in silence. When we’re back near the vehicle, she says, “I’m sorry for…” She waves her hand to encompass everything, and I nod.
“Don’t worry. I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown, too.”
“Oh, good,” she cracks back. “Does that mean I get a turn at driving while you take over the crying and sobbing from here?”
My instinctive answer is no but I pause. It’s not a bad idea. Not the sobbing but we need to stop by the next town up the coast and hunt for a new vehicle. Even if the police haven’t traced this one to me yet, I’ll lay money my gang have circulated it to their members all over the South Island.
Of the two, I’d take the police any day.
Driving into town, I’ll be spotted and reported on sight. Nadia, though…
She could hide her hair; her clothes are already a million miles from what she was wearing. With my cap, she could easily pass as a rugged west coaster, dropping into town for a few nights to clear up everything she needs in one swoop before heading back into the bush.
