“You ran,” I repeat, interested to see what the dawning realisation does to her face. When it twists in panic, disappointment rises inside me until it’s overwhelming.
“Red,” she whispers, and I roll off onto my back beside her, clutching her hand as something to anchor me as much as it is to stop her running again. “I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to be sorry.”
I close my eyes, listening to the sounds of life in the bush surrounding us. The thick branches overhead keep most of the sun from reaching down this far, the small gaps where the trees refuse to touch separating the light into individual rays.
“You’re going to be such a good daddy.”
The declaration makes me laugh, my throat choking a little at first, then opening to let the sound boom out, disturbing a bird snacking in the nearby undergrowth.
“Why’s that funny?”
I twist my head to look at her, a smile lingering on my lips. “Because I’m a double murderer who could be snatched by the police at any moment and dragged back to prison.” It takes two goes to swallow. “Not exactly a picture-perfect father.”
“You cared enough to escape to see the birth,” she counters. “I couldn’t even get my ex to drive me to hospital.”
“Mm. I don’t think your terrible taste in men is a great yardstick to measure by.”
I close my eyes again for long minutes while a symphony of the forest’s ecosystem plays around us at full volume. The relief that whatever harm I caused is already repaired makes me want to bind Nadia closer.
Perhaps that’s why I suddenly confess, “I killed her ex.”
“For her?” she guesses when I would have bet money her mind would go to the other reason.
From jealousy. The same motive the cops landed on from the moment they led me into an interview room.
It took a stern word from the judge and the reports from two psychologists to alter their stance. Even then, I don’t think it stuck.
“He wouldn’t leave her alone,” I say, my words more halting than they should be after telling this tale so many times. But this time, I want to get it right. This time matters far more to me than it should.
“She was scared of him; scared enough she invited me to camp out in her spare room without paying rent. I could feel it every time he paid one of his impromptu visits. She got a protective order, but he kept breaching it. He didn’t care. It was just a piece of paper to wave in her face.
“I was like her hired muscle but because of that, we spent a lot of time together and one night things…” I shrug. “Calling her my girlfriend is probably a stretch.” I want to explain more but I know I’ll stuff it up. Besides, she doesn’t need to know the details.
Half of me is concerned that I’m revealing anything at all.
But these secrets aren’t very secret. There are transcripts from my interviews, from the court hearings, that describe far more.
“When she found out she was pregnant, she insisted on us telling him together. I think she thought it would drive the final wedge between them. That he’d finally see it was time to move on.”
I shake my head, shifting her so she lies within the curl of my arm. Drawing courage from her warmth. Less afraid to break down because she did exactly the same a few minutes ago.
“He lost it. Completely lost it. Then, he tried to hit her, so I punched him instead.” My throat clutches for a second and I wait for the muscle to relax before speaking again. “He aimed a punch at her stomach, and I thought…” My words trail off as I shake my head.
“You thought he’d harm the baby.”
“Yeah.”
When I close my eyes I can see him, can recall with pitch perfect clarity every sound he made the night he came for her. Police discovered a petrol can in his car, a lighter in his pocket.
In interviews, they’d argued they were normal items found in any car. Like everyone involved didn’t understand they were his ultimate Plan B.
“Once I started, I couldn’t—” My voice cracks and I pause. Nadia rests her head against my chest, stroking my upper arm with her teeny, tiny hands.
She isn’t the slightest bit scared of me. Not any longer. I wish I knew what changed so I could apply it at will.
She’s probably happy you belong to someone else. You won’t stick around to torment her forever.
