Lilac holds the phone in her hand, her breathing erratic. She’s tried three times to playback the recording and each time freezes, caught in a tangle of her fears.
“Would you like me to start it?”
She’s in my lap, my arms around her waist. I would bundle her inside me for protection, if that were possible.
“No. I can do it.”
The words are clear but her thumb hovers above the button until the entire screen blanks and she has another reason to postpone. She swipes to wake it, then resumes her immobility until finally—finally—she presses go.
And there’s no revelation. My room pops into view, me laying on the bed holding Lilac as she falls deeper into unconsciousness. There’s no action aside from me stroking her hair, whispering into her decoupling mind, not that you can hear that on the recording.
After what feels like an hour but is probably closer to fifteen minutes, the familiar crease appears between Lilac’s brow and she pulls the cursor farther along the line, zipping through the minutes.
I close my eyes, tilting my brow against the back of her head, only opening them when she draws in a soft gasp.
And because I said I would, I force myself to focus on the tiny screen. Watch my earlier self stir, reaching down to roll Lilac onto her back.
This is my test. But I’m still scared of the consequences.
“You can’t hear it,” I whisper, the sound making her flinch, so I wait until she calms again to continue. “But you were snoring like a drunken sailor.”
She makes a sound, half gasp, half laugh, and her body relaxes further into mine.
“That’s why I took all your clothes off,” I say in as light a voice as I can. Teasing but not making fun. I’m terrified that she’ll stop watching now. Even more than I am that she’ll continue. “And soon I’ll put you in the recovery position.”
The narration calms her, so I keep it up. Dictating what will happen a moment before every action on the tiny screen comes to pass.
“You were struggling to wake up and your eyelashes fluttered.” I stroke her hair to move some curls clear of the screen, then keep doing it. Like she’s a prized cat I would do anything to keep in my lap. “So, I tested to see if you’d come awake.”
The Zach on the video stares at her unresponsive body, shaking her shoulder, even biting on her earlobe to rouse her. But she’s too deep. Too far gone.
“And you were so lovely.” My breath hitches and I turn to gaze at the dark hills, biting my cheek to centre myself. “I kept thinking of that first night when I was waiting for you to get home. I had all these threats stored up, all these horrible things I was going to say to you. Then, instead of being frightened, you got all concerned about my hand.”
She tilts her head back to stare at me and I hope she can read the truth from my eyes. The truth of how much I need her.
“That was the moment I knew I’d never want anyone else. That if I screwed this up, there’d never be another chance.”
Lilac bites her lip, her eyes so large I can’t look away.
“And I promptly stuffed up everything because that’s what I do.”
She smiles, but there’s still so much sadness there.
“You know, I probably should’ve left all your clothes on because it really made it hard to concentrate on getting a good night’s sleep.” I turn her chin, aiming her face back at the phone. “I’m sorry if I crossed your boundary, but I had to… mark you.”
My words falter now, cringing as I watch my onscreen doppelganger stroke himself, staring at her semi-naked body.
I don’t want to watch. Don’t like it. But if she has courage, so should I.
Five minutes bleed into ten. I don’t remember it taking so long, but I suppose there was more to distract me at the time. Finally, I climax, the long ropes of my ejaculate landing on her belly, her abdomen, her thighs.
On screen, I tuck in behind her, pull her close, and whisper into her ear. Even now I can’t remember the exact words, just know I had to confess everything. Like a trial run for what I’m doing now.
“You didn’t…?” Lilac’s head swivels, her face pinched. “Is this… all?”
I nod, so ashamed I can barely meet her eyes.
“But you let me think you raped me.” Her body vibrates with rage. “Why would you want me to think that?”
