“You’ll have to try harder than that to put me off.”
A slice later, my consumption slows down and halfway through the fourth, it peters out altogether. When I wipe my mouth and sit back, my mind returns to our previous conversation.
But I can’t stand to go back there yet.
The server comes by again, this time depositing the bill in a little dish with a couple of wrapped mints. I grab one lolly and the bill, ducking under the table to crawl past Zach.
“Hey, where are you going?”
“To pay the bill. It’s my treat.”
Stefan was as good as his word, and my bank account is brimming for the first time. Even if I never earn another, the commission will serve as a buffer against tough times. The gift to not worry about next month’s rent is incredibly freeing.
I steal another mint from the dish at the counter and crunch it between my teeth as I walk back to Zach. My resolve has fallen so far away that I can’t remember what it was like having it.
Don’t let him get away with it. You’re not an object, Lily. You’re a person with rights.
There were so many occasions that I can’t even narrow down the one this ghost voice echoes from. Grabby hands from staff, foster families, bullies at school. Predators sniffing out weakness.
Zach should be no different. Except for the fear of loss written starkly on his face.
Don’t let him get away with it.
Except maybe… maybe this isn’t my battle. Isn’t my boundary that he crossed. Tessa’s voice is inside my head, but it isn’t me.
Tessa’s fight isn’t mine. I helped her when I needed to. Tried to bolster her when nothing we did was working. I even battled on after she’d gone and took the retribution that was owed in her stead.
But that’s over.
I’m allowed to hear her warning and walk into danger, regardless.
Zach grabs my hand as I slide in beside him, this time his body crushing against the window. And finally, I know the way to end this restless battle in my head.
“You’re crying.” He wipes the tear away with his knuckle, licking the salty gift with his oh-so-talented tongue. “What happened?”
I said goodbye to one ghost, and I need to confront another event that haunts me. Trent sent me a link to the video he recorded, but I haven’t watched it. Can’t watch it alone and, even though he offered, I don’t want to filter the experience through his eyes.
What I want, what I need, is to see what happened for myself. Some observable phenomena that I can break down, dissect. Question Zach and hear what he was thinking, feeling. A basis for his actions.
Then add my reactions to the tally to work out where I stand.
For myself. Not where anyone else thinks I should be.
So, when he asks me again, I shrug, closing my eyes and burrowing into his side. “I want to watch the video that Trent sent, but I’m scared to do it alone. Will you watch it with me?”
His body is hard angles and stiff muscles but the hand that strokes the side of my face is soft. “If that’s what you want.”
I nod, swallowing past the surge of panic. “That’s what I want.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONE
ZACH
The spotnear Victoria Park gives us a panoramic view of the city. Lilac directed me here and I wonder why she picked the spot. If it means something to her.
Two teenaged girls once bludgeoned the older one’s mother to death with a brick close to here. A classic case ofFolie à deuxthat forever stains the history books of the region.
I wonder if that’s what has us in its grip; a shared delusion that we’re trying to convince ourselves is love.
