‘Don’t look at me like that. You did this. Why would you go for a swim in someone else’s poo?’ Jay couldn’t help the involuntary retch that followed the sentence. He’d been doing that all the way home, even though he’d had all the windows open.
Bruce barked his reply. There really was only one way to get him upstairs and that was for Jay to carry him.
He steeled himself and faced his poo-drenched nemesis. Bruce’s nose twitched and he looked around, sniffing the air.
‘The smell is you, mate. You absolutely honk,’ said Jay, his gut churning. It was no good, he’d have to hold his nose. But then how would he lift the dog? Jay took a clothes peg and attached it to his nose. It pinched a bit but it definitely helped. Bruce gave him a quizzical look. Now all he had to do was pick the dog up.
Jay approached the canine in the same way he had once tried to lift a barbell weight at the gym. Legs apart and almost in a squat position. Jay was quite pleasedwith his posture. Bruce backed away. Jay waddled a couple of steps towards him, making his thighs start to burn. ‘Stay still,’ instructed Jay. Bruce dodged. This was useless.
17
Dixie returned from her almost daily trip to the service station. Going on her scooter was probably a good workout but it was only exercising one leg and she had fears that she’d end up lopsided with one chunky leg and one skinny one. She picked up the scooter and walked the last few metres into the woodland. It was too bumpy to ride over anyway. Up ahead, through the trees, she thought she saw a flash of colour. A bird perhaps. Or was it a dog-walker? Dixie crept up to the side of Elsie and peered through one side of the cab. Her view was a little grubby but there was nothing to see. That was until something else grabbed her attention. Another note on the windscreen.
She stomped around the van and snatched the piece of paper. The note read:
Either move this vehicle or I will inform the council and have it towed away. You have 48 hours to comply.
And there was a scrawly signature on the bottom.
Heck, thought Dixie. Maybe this was more seriousthan she’d realized. But it was still very rude. She did a short video showing the note and expressing her dismay at the powers-that-be trying to end her adventures, and hastily posted it on social media. Perhaps if she could find the person who had been leaving the notes she could have a sensible conversation with them and explain her situation. She would like to move the van but that wasn’t currently possible without her feeling a failure and disappointing her parents. At least if she could manage to make her adventure last a bit longer it wouldn’t look like she’d given up at the first hurdle. And now she had used the showers at the services she felt she could definitely manage a few more days. She put the scooter in the van, locked it up and with the note in her hand Dixie set off to find who was leaving the rude messages.
It was a glorious day and the way the sun came through the trees in bright rods was fascinating. She walked at a brisk pace in the hope that she would catch them up but that was only going to work if she was heading in the right direction, and apart from the tiny flash of colour she’d seen she had no idea if she was on the right track. Scanning the trees ahead it was clear there was no sight or sound of anyone else. After a while she slowed her pace and became distracted by nature. In the past she had paid to be this zen. She’d done quite a few lovely retreats: yoga, meditation, wellness and even ayahuasca. There were similarities between her current situation and the ayahuasca retreat. That one had been held in a forest near Torremolinos, where they slept on straw inopen tents. It had been sort of like all the other retreats put together but with cleansing drinks containing plant medicines and led by a shaman called Galaxy, although she had overheard other staff call him Stan. With hindsight, it may not have been completely legit. There were parts of that week she didn’t remember at all, but she could vividly recall being chased by a giant blue marshmallow. Living in a wood with Elsie was definitely better than that, and cheaper too.
Dixie came to the area where the trees thinned out and she could see further ahead. There was no sign of anyone else. Her shoulders sagged a little. She didn’t want to get towed away and she was sure there was an easier way to resolve the problem. Something caught her eye and distracted her. A squirrel. Dixie stayed completely still so as not to upset the creature. She watched as it sniffed the ground, dug a hole and then moved on. It looked like the poor thing was searching for food. A pigeon landed nearby and spooked the squirrel and it disappeared up a tree at lightning speed. There was nobody here except her and the wildlife.
Back at the van Dixie had an idea. If she left a nice reply under the windscreen wiper, hopefully when the person returned and read it they would be mollified and a little more understanding. She set about writing a note. It took a few goes but she was pleased with the final version.
To Whom It May Concern, I am truly sorry if I have upset anyone by staying in this beautiful spot. I’mafraid I am not here by choice. My campervan is old and ailing and sadly chose this peaceful place to rest for a while. I am behaving in an eco-friendly manner and I’m disposing of my rubbish responsibly. I respect the green cross code and nature. I am hoping that you will understand my predicament and let me stay here a little longer while I enjoy the tranquillity and serenity of the woodland and work out how best to get my van fixed. Yours truly, Dixie Pike.
She reread it and added her mobile number because she had yet to be there when any notes had been left. This way they could contact her without having to leave another snotty message. Dixie folded it up and tucked it under the wiper. That was one job done for the day. What to do now? She had got talking to the lady in the shop at the services, who had told her about a farm not too far away that had a makeshift shop at reasonable prices. Dixie loved the idea of food straight from the farm and as she literally had nothing better to do she decided to track it down.
*
Nora had laughed so hard she was struggling to get her breath. Jay was sitting on her sofa waiting patiently for her to get things under control.
‘That’s not even the worst of it,’ said Jay, who was retelling the poo-nami story. ‘While I was trying to workout how to lift him, he trotted into the hallway and he shook himself. Like proper full-on, top-to-tail, shake-all-that-he-owned shook himself. And all I could do was watch as he redecorated my walls with someone else’s poo.’
Nora tried to stifle the laughter but it was impossible. ‘That’s awful,’ she said at last.
‘Awful? You have no idea.’ Jay splayed his hands for emphasis. ‘The stench. The coverage on everything.’
The thought of it made Nora feel less giggly and more sympathetic to Jay’s situation. ‘I bet it took hours to sort out.’
‘It did. It took absolutely ages. But I had to leave it initially—’
‘To ferment?’ asked Nora with a splutter.
Jay rolled his eyes. ‘So that I could wash Bruce.’
‘How did you get him clean?’ She was already quite impressed that Jay had taken on bathing the dog by himself.
Jay’s head flopped to one side. ‘In the shower.’
‘You gave the dog a shower?’
‘Well, I had to get in there with him. He can’t operate it on his own and he needed a proper shampoo. That coat was full of… liquid. It took half an hour of constant cleaning and half a bottle of doggy shampoo.’
‘Were you naked?’
