‘Alone?’ said her mother.
‘But I’m not alone because I have Oliver.’
‘Is that the praying mantis?’ asked Lilian-from-next-door.
‘Yes,’ said Una with a sorrowful shake of her head. ‘What message does that give to a man? I’m going to gobble you up.’
‘It gives no kind of gobble message to anyone.’ Nora blinked a few times due to the horror of finding herself repeating ‘gobble’ in a sentence to her mother. ‘And Oliver is a chameleon.’
‘It’s the same thing,’ whispered Una to Lilian, as she indicated swirling eyes.
‘No, it’s not.He’snot.’
‘He’s also not a man though, is he?’ said Una.
‘Dad, help me out here,’ said Nora, but Ali was suddenlyfascinated with his sweater vest and was either trying it on for a second time or was trying to hide inside it.
*
Jay decided he was going to take the bodybuilding plan seriously. Perhaps with a beefier physique he would have more leading-man potential, and it could only help when it came to impressing women. Muscly legs would also be a bonus for climbing. And there was the other incentive– he might actually be able to manage his dog.
According to the dog behaviour gurus on the internet, proper exercise seemed to be the answer to all of their problems. A tired dog was a happy one and apparently less likely to pull when on the lead and more likely to respond to commands. Jay was up for giving it a try.
A short drive brought him to a farm and for a small fee Jay had been shown to a huge empty paddock. Armed with treats, which he had let Bruce sample, he took a deep breath and let Bruce off the lead. Bruce raced off and in between sniffing he bounded about. Jay decided to see if he could get Bruce to come back on command. He got out the treat and called his name. Bruce stopped sniffing whatever he was sniffing and looked in Jay’s direction– progress indeed. Jay waved the treat and called him again. Bruce began trotting towards him and Jay felt like the dog whisperer. But it was short-lived. Something caught the dog’s eye, or nose, and he raced off to the left. Jay wasn’t worried because this was a fullyenclosed space. Apparently Bruce hadn’t read that part because in a stride and a scramble he cleared the fence and was gone.
‘Shitting hell,’ said Jay, breaking into a sprint.
Jay ran around the farm, looking and calling for Bruce. He was also keen to find the man who had eagerly taken his money because his secure field was no such thing. He saw someone near some stables, quite a way from the dog area. By now Jay had a stitch, which was making him walk like that time he’d worn high heels on stage in a production ofThe Rocky Horror Picture Show. He waved as he got closer and the man waved back. Jay’s waving became frenzied and with a frown the chap came over.
‘You’re not meant to leave them on their own,’ he said.
Jay took a moment to catch his breath. ‘I didn’t. He left me. Over your secure perimeter.’
The man seemed astonished. ‘Really?’
‘Yes, why else would I be looking for my dog? He could be anywhere.’
‘Don’t worry. We’ll find him.’
After another twenty minutes of searching, Jay was frantic and losing hope. They found themselves back at the secure dog-walking area. ‘Did you actually see him escape?’ asked the man.
‘Well, obviously I did. I was watching him when he…’ But Jay didn’t finish the sentence because the man was pointing into the middle of the paddock where Bruce was lying down, panting.
‘What the hell? He wasn’t there before. He definitely escaped.’ But the man was already walking off, shaking his head.
Great. Was there nothing Bruce wouldn’t do to make him look like an idiot? ‘Heel, Bruce,’ said Jay, getting out the treats, although he had no idea why he was rewarding his behaviour. Bruce raced to Jay, devoured the treat in a nanosecond and ran off before Jay could grab him. On his way past, Bruce brushed Jay’s leg. Jay felt the sensation of something dripping down his calf. When he looked down he could see it was a brown liquid. It was at about the same time that he smelt it.
‘Good grief. What the actual… Bruce!’
Jay scrambled around to find a tissue to wipe the offending substance off his leg. The dog came back to sit in front of him. He looked happy. His tongue was lolling out of his mouth. ‘Bruce, you reek!’ Jay clipped on his lead. Now Bruce was closer he was not only smellier but Jay could also see that his once black dog was now more black with a wet coating of brown.
From outside the area the man came striding over. Jay waited in anticipation for the moment the smell hit him. ‘Shit!’ said the man, recoiling.
‘Exactly what I think it is too. So you tell me how he’s got covered in it if he didn’t leave the secure area?’ Jay folded his arms and then remembered the poo-soaked tissue in his hand so unfolded them quickly.
‘Where on earth…’ Although the expression on the guy’s face changed to that of someone who had workedsomething out. ‘Oh dear. I think he’s been for a swim in our cesspit.’
Jay wanted to forget everything about the journey home and the state of his car boot. It would be a long time before he would be putting his shopping in there. The smell would wilt any salad. And now he had got Bruce home he had to work out how on earth he was going to get him into the bath, which was up a flight of light grey carpeted stairs. Bruce glared at his owner.
