“I just…” Chewing her lip, she plays with the cuffs of her pajama top.There’s a coffee stain on the front—I don’t think this is the first day she’s worn it.“I feel like I should be there, but it’s obvious my mom doesn’t want me there.Who does that?How can she tell her own daughter to stay away at a time like this?What did I ever do to her?”
We’re jumping right into the tough questions.I wish I had an answer or at least something wise that might comfort her.The best I can do is say, “From what you’ve told me about her, it doesn’t sound like she does a lot of thinking about anybody other than herself.And I’m not trying to be mean.”
“No, you’re completely right.”She wipes her eyes again, shaking her head.“I just needed somebody to remind me.It’s not about me when she acts that way.But I still feel like I should be there, like I should’ve gone anyway.”
“There’s nothing worse than being somewhere you don’t feel welcome.You have enough to go through now without having to deal with that at the same time.Besides…” I add with a grin, “… Dante would go nuts without you around here.You think I want to be subjected to his mood swings?”
“Oh, geez, I wouldn’t want to inflict that on anybody.”Her brief smile slides away, replaced by a frown that bunches her eyebrows together.“I hate to think of my brother going through it all on his own, but I guess there’s not much I could do to help him right now, anyway.Except being there for him.”
A white-hot knife lances my chest at the thought of him going through this alone.Be cool.Don’t make it obvious.I look down at my nails, picking at a bit of dried glaze from the donuts while I ask, “Have you talked to him?How’s he doing?”
“We chatted last night.I think he was up pretty late, so he’s probably still asleep now.There are a lot of loose ends that need to be tied up, funeral arrangements that were never finalized.But he was raised to handle things, you know?”she concludes with a sigh.“It’s kind of weird that I can’t help thinking, at least he has a purpose right now?”
“I didn’t think about it that way,” I murmur, lost in thought.
A few silent heartbeats pass before she asks, “You’ve been thinking about it?”
Dammit.Damn everything.“Oh, you know what I mean,” I scoff, shrugging.All of a sudden, my skin feels too tight, hot, while my insides are icy cold.
“Giulia.Do you want to do something for me?”she asks.She doesn’t say another word until I lift my gaze to meet hers.Fuck me running, she knows.I see it before she says another word.It’s written all over her face, in her wise, understanding gaze.“Stop lying to me.If you want to help me, be honest with me today.You guys have been fooling around for a while, haven’t you?”
What am I supposed to say?If I lie, I only look ridiculous.I don’t want to insult her intelligence.Obviously, we haven’t been as careful as we should have been.I should have expected this—she let it go too easily, never saying another word after that night.“I… I mean…” I am a hopeless, floundering idiot.
“Don’t worry.”Her hand emerges from under the blanket and finds mine, resting on the cushion between us.“I’m the only one who knows anything.I know him, even if he’s so much older than me, and we didn’t spend a lot of time together when I was growing up.I’ve spent my life watching, you know what I mean?He’s been different lately.”
I want to believe she’s not secretly freaking out.I want to trust her.She has never given me any reason to feel differently, right?“How so?”I venture.
“He’s softer.Kinder.I thought working here, having to be a Santoro employee, would make him even harder than ever.I figured he’d be eating his heart out every day, resentful, bitter, and nasty.But that’s not true at all,” she concludes in a soft voice.“He’s mellowed out.Being here could’ve made him worse, but it made him better.I had a feeling there might be somebody in his life, but I didn’t think it was you until that night when I noticed the two of you looking at each other in that special way.”
“Are you absolutely sure you’re the only one who saw?”Fuck it.What’s the point of pretending anymore?I’m too busy dying from curiosity to play games.
Her brow lowers in one of thoseare-you-fucking-seriousexpressions.“Girl, do you honestly think anybody else would keep it to themselves as I have?Though Emilia probably would,” she allows with a frown.
The mention of my other sister-in-law is the key that unlocks every ounce of pent-up shame and guilt.“Do you know how bad this makes me feel?I hate myself for it.After what he did and how she’s still trying to deal with it?”
“I know,” she says.“At the end of the day, it’s not my place to judge you.It’s not hers, either.You can’t decide who you’re going to fall for.”
My mouth drops open, and all of the cliché arguments upload to my brain, ready to come spewing out.
I haven’t fallen for him.
It’s nothing serious.
It doesn’t mean anything.
But that’s not true, is it?Because if it were true, it wouldn’t break my heart to think of him going through all this alone.“I really wish I could be there for him,” I admit.“I feel so useless.”
“So you do care?”she asks, squeezing my hand.“You’re a good person.Don’t tell yourself anything different.I’m sure he needs space now.You two… you’re complicated.He’s got enough complications going on right now.I mean, he has to face people who know he was disowned.With his pride, that can’t be easy.”
Is she supposed to be comforting me?Because all she’s doing is breaking my heart.Now it’s my turn to reach for the tissue box, which I place between us as tears roll freely down my cheeks, and my breath hitches.“I’m supposed to be here trying to help you,” I blubber, grabbing a tissue to blow my nose.
“We can help each other,” she suggests, reaching under the coffee table and pulling out another blanket.I accept it gratefully, curling up under it, letting my guard drop for the first time in ages because finally, I can be honest with someone.I don’t have to pretend, and it feels good.
I only wish I could believe Alessandro feels this comfort today.I only wish I could give it to him.
Because somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the boundaries that should have been in place.
And I think I fell for him.
