But he was her dad.That’s not the kind of thing you can forget.
“You know, we’re lucky.”I set my mug down on the balustrade and wrap my sweater tighter around me, shivering a little, a cloud of vapor blowing out of my mouth.I love mornings like this.It’s always been my favorite weather.Days like today, though, don’t bring me the usual quiet joy.
With all the years separating us, there are times when Dante understands me better than most people ever have, when he immediately catches on without needing things explained.“We won’t feel conflicted when the time comes,” he murmurs.“We don’t have to wrestle with how we feel about Mama and Papa.”
My head bobs, and a lump forms in my throat.I wish like hell Alessandro would get back to me.He has to be going through the same kind of things Sophia is, if not worse, because he was supposed to take his dad’s place but was pretty much disowned instead.And yes, he earned much of that through his actions and cruelty.He never considered how his choices might affect the people around him.
But there was no resolution.No closure with his dad.No chance for words shared or anything like that.It has to hurt.I doubt he would admit it, but it must.
And all I want is to help.I want to take some of it away.I wouldn’t know where to start.I only want to try.
No such luck.I haven’t heard a word from him since I said goodbye on Wednesday afternoon.Then, I was expecting to see him on Friday.Now, I don’t know when I’ll see him again.Considering our relationship or involvement or whatever it is hasn’t gone any deeper than physical stuff, my body should be what misses him most.
It’s my heart that hurts as I wonder how much is too much.Should I text him again?Try to give him a call?I’ve done that twice, once immediately after I heard about Giorgio.It went straight to voicemail, and I went back and forth over what to say before stumbling over my tongue and telling him I was sorry for his loss.It hadn’t been thirty minutes since I had his dick in my mouth, and I didn’t have a clue what to say.Like we’re strangers.
Dante heaves a sigh.“The funeral is on Monday.Things will be tricky moving forward.We worked as fast and as hard as we could on all of the transition work after Giorgio handed over the bulk of his business to us, along with Sophia, but we don’t have everything perfectly in place yet.I know I should be down there with her…” Pain passes over his face like a shadow, and I sense his frustration.I feel how much he wants to be there for her, because I want to be there for Alessandro, and I can’t.Our reasons might be different, but Dante and I are both in a similar state today.
“Do you want me to go over and check on her?”I ask, my mind already made up.“I can keep her company.I would be glad to.”
“I’m sure you have studying to do, don’t you?”
“Is that all you think I do?”Wouldn’t he be surprised?I roll my eyes and groan, making him chuckle.I’m good for that much right now, if nothing else.I can help lighten the mood.
“I appreciate it.Thank you.”Then he reaches out and tousles my hair, making me smack his hand away.“You know, you’ve grown up to be a great person.I’m pretty proud of you.”
“Ew, don’t be gross,” I mutter, but we exchange a smile that I hope tells him how his words make me feel when I can’t find my own words.He wanders back into the kitchen, where he will probably make another latte, while I take the steps down to the lawn.The grass is still wet with morning dew, making it sparkle in the brilliant sunshine.There is nothing like an autumn morning.
And right now it has me feeling wistful.He couldn’t be with me right now, even if he were not planning his dad’s funeral and dealing with all of the stuff that has to be done in the aftermath of a parent’s death.I wouldn’t even know where to begin.But if Giorgio were still alive, Alessandro would not be walking next to me now the way I so wish he were.He has listened to me talk about my friends, school, how different I’ve always been from everybody my age, and how cut off from the world I’ve been.I have complained, I have cried.I even sort of threw up on him.
I only want to return the favor now.
And I wish he would let me.
All I can do is knock on the front door to Dante’s house.“Sophia?”I call out, feeling awkward.Maybe I should have waited.Maybe I should’ve called first.
“It’s open.”She must be in the living room since her voice is so clear.My heart is in my throat as I turn the knob and ease the door open, not sure what I’m going to find.
The curtains are drawn, and the living room is dark except for the light coming from the television.It could be any time of the day or night in here, which is probably the way she wants it.She’s on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, and a pretty impressive spread of junk food is arranged on the coffee table.There’s a box of donuts with a few missing, mini muffins, cookies, and chips.I also count three insulated cups and two coffee mugs.
And tissues.Lots of tissues.
“Hi,” she murmurs.“I’m sorry for the mess.I just…”
She looks so lost.Sad, pale, with her mouth tugging downward at the corners and shadows under her eyes.Miles away from the whip-smart, kick-ass girl who first came here months ago.“I was wondering if you could use a little company, but I don’t want to bother you, either,” I tell her.Now that I’m here, in front of her, I feel like I might be intruding.
“You’re not bothering me.It’s nice to see you.I just don’t have it in me to go up to the house right now.”She gathers her blanket more tightly around herself to make room on the sofa, and I round the messy coffee table to sit with her.Kicking off my slippers, I sit cross-legged.
“Do you mind if I have a donut?”I ask, and she gestures toward the box while nodding.It’s soft and sweet, melting in my mouth, and right away I want another one.I’ve been in need of a little sweetness.
“Did Dante send you down?”She manages a brief, loving grin before her head drops back onto one of the cushions behind her.“I know he’s worried about me.”
“I’m worried about you too.I love you.You know that, right?”Reaching over, I rub her shoulder a little awkwardly, but I have to do something.I have to let her know she’s not alone.“I know how busy he is up there.I didn’t want you to be alone.”
“I love you too.You’re so sweet.”Then she sniffles, and the next few minutes pass while she tries to contain her tears, and I eat another donut because damn, they’re good.
Once she’s calmer, she runs her hands over her eyes with a shaky laugh.“That’s how it’s been for three days.I’ll just burst into tears out of nowhere for the simplest reason.Dante went out and got those donuts for me this morning right after the bakery opened, and I started sobbing.”
“I mean, they’re freaking delicious.I would’ve cried too,” I tell her, and it’s good to hear her laugh.“But I get it.You don’t have to explain yourself.You’re going through all kinds of shit, and you’re just trying to process it.It’s okay to be human, you know.”
