The memory of her unease when we saw each other last night makes me grind my teeth.Emilia is always going to stand between us.I will never be forgiven for my actions after I had her abducted.It doesn’t matter that Luca was the thoughtless one, that he made the decision to bring her into the fold and leave her vulnerable.I’m the evil son of a bitch who hurt her, along with so many other violent acts that were all done with my family in mind.
Giulia willneverforgive me.
Again, my teeth grind, but this time my spine stiffens, and I remember who I am.So what if she doesn’t forgive me?She might as well be a child, unaware of the sacrifices a person in my position has to make.There’s nothing real happening here.We’re fucking.We’re having fun.She’s a nice diversion, a way of getting through this humiliating job without losing my grip on my sanity.
That’s the truth, I know it is.
Why doesn’t it feel true?
“You need to talk to her.Please,” Giulia begs.She even folds her hands, and her chin quivers, and I don’t know if the whole thing is sad or funny.“Tell her there’s nothing happening with us.If Dante found out?—”
“That’s enough,” I grunt, cutting her off before she can go on.“The horse is already dead.You don’t need to beat it anymore.”
Her hands slap the leather seat under her.“Just for once, can you think about how the situation affects somebody other thanyou?”
‘Just for once,’she says, as if I haven’t been thinking about her for weeks.As if I didn’t take my time with her.As if I haven’t put her first whenever we’re alone together.As if I haven’t gazed into her eyes more times than I can count and asked myself what she must be feeling.
I’m sure she doesn’t think I’m capable of anything like that.“I will take your advice under consideration,” I reply.And this is where the conversation ends, because nothing good will come out of it.If we don’t stop now, I might have to take the rage building in my head out on another driver.Wouldn’t that look good on the news?A road rage incident involving a disgraced, would-be mafia boss.How far the mighty have fallen.
She’s smart enough to keep her mouth shut, typing furiously on her phone the rest of the ride.I know she’s not talking about me to her friends, because she won’t let herself talk about me.Because I’m the dirty secret no one is ever supposed to know about.
When I pull to a stop in front of the courtyard where she’ll meet her brainless friends, she doesn’t wait for me to open her door and slams it shut so violently, I flinch.
Then I continue, taking the familiar route to my apartment.Because that’s all my life is anymore.Waiting for her.
And now, I don’t have the promise of a few precious minutes with her to look forward to.
15
GIULIA
Forget seeing the girls before class this morning.I can’t face them.They’re going to know right away that something is wrong.That’s why I texted them from the car and told them I wasn’t feeling great.
That was the truth.I feel like hell today.Between hardly sleeping and whatever the hell that was in the car, all I want is to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry as I navigate the crowded sidewalk.
He doesn’t get it.I should have known.What does he care about what my family thinks?Or anybody, come to think of it?If he did, if he ever gave a single damn, his life would have gone differently.He would’ve made better choices instead of hurting everybody who ever came into contact with him.
And he said he would never hurt me.What a joke.The real joke is the way I believed him because I wanted to.And now he acts like I’m the one with a problem when I’m scared my family will never speak to me again if they find out what I did last night, while they were finishing their dinner.
What if this was his plan all along?Oh, great, like I need that thought right now, as I duck into the ladies’ room closest to the front door of the building where my first class is held.There are already fresh, hot tears in my eyes by the time I reach the sinks running along one wall, where a couple of girls touch up their makeup and hair at the far end.They both look sympathetic when they notice me, but they give me space.That’s the right move.If anybody said a word to me that sounded even slightly kind or curious, I might break down sobbing.I’m too fragile right now, on edge.The slightest nudge, and I’ll shatter like a snow globe hitting a hardwood floor.
I can barely look at my own reflection.The shame is too much.What if this was all a lie from the beginning?The longer I sit with the thought, the clearer and more painful it gets.And the more obvious.Was he sleeping with me to get back at my family somehow?He can’t gather his men to attack us anymore, since that power was stripped away when his dad basically disowned him.
So what does he do?He uses me as a weapon and gets his rocks off in the process.It’s a win-win.So what if I end up getting chewed up and spit out in the process?
My reflection blurs once the tears start to flow.I wipe them away angrily, disgusted with myself for letting him get to me like this.I made it so easy.
And he was so nice.He looked after me, took care of me, and covered for me.He was gentle too.I don’t have much firsthand experience with guys, but I know enough to know he could have made my first time painful and awkward.It was anything but.He has never forced me into anything.Not even last night, even though I tried to accuse him this morning of setting me up.He never forced me.
I don’t know what to think.I only know I have to pull myself together, blinking back what’s left of the emotion that wants to leak from my eyes.It’s kind of a good thing I was too tired and worried to bother with makeup this morning, since it would be running down my face now.All I have to do is splash my cheeks to wash away the tears.Wouldn’t it be nice if I could wash Alessandro away so easily?
When I walk into Sociology, Olivia flags me down.Waving me over frantically, she pats the chair next to hers in the lecture hall.“Are you okay?”she whispers once I drop into the seat, wishing class already started so I’d have a reason to keep silent.
“Yeah, I just couldn’t meet up with you guys this morning.That’s all.”I keep my head down, pulling out my laptop to take notes.Anything so long as she doesn’t look at my face, because I’m sure everything I’m feeling is written across it.
“No offense, but you look like hell,” she kindly informs me.
“Thanks.”I try to laugh, but it comes off strained and hollow.“I feel so confident now.”
