“I do,” I have to admit with a chuckle.
Apparently, that was a mistake.
“Are you laughing?”she asks.“What is so funny about this?”
“There’s nothing funny about it.”Looking back at her in the mirror, I’m torn between wanting to comfort her and wanting to ravish her.Sleep-deprived and worried as she is now, she’s temptation personified.I can’t get enough of her.Even last night, which I knew was a risk, there was no resisting her, and I honestly don’t understand it.“But let’s look at this rationally for a minute.If she thought something was happening with us, don’t you think we would’ve woken up to World War III this morning?She didn’t say anything to your brother or to your papa.I’m still alive and breathing, right?”
“That’s true,” she admits with a sigh.
“So either you convinced her, or she doesn’t think it’s that serious.”
“Or…” she counters, “… she just didn’t want to say anything unless she’s sure.Maybe she wants to get proof.Or maybe…” she adds with new horror, “… she wants to talk to you first.That could be it, you know.I bet she’ll confront you about it.”
“I think I can handle her,” I reply.It’ll be a cold day in hell when my baby sister tells me how to live my life.It’ll be even colder when I take her advice.
“You’re not getting it.”Her voice is shaking, thicker than before.She’s crying or getting close at the very least.“We’re not being as careful as we said we would be, and this is what happens.I’m the one with something to lose here.”
It’s a damn good thing traffic picks up when it does, forcing me to slow down instead of hitting the gas pedal and trying to outrun the sinking feeling that comes over me at her choice of words.“Really?Do you think I have nothing to lose?You think I’m not risking anything?”
“Nothing would actually happen to you,” she insists, almost waving me off the way Rocco waves a hand when something is too unimportant for him to care about a minute longer.“Not unless we want a big war.That’s the whole reason you’re working for us in the first place.”
She doesn’t hear it.She can’t.The way she sounds.Dismissive, careless.Condescending as fuck.“Yes, ma’am.Thank you for reminding me of my place in things,” I mutter, tapping the horn when the car in front of me doesn’t roll forward like the cars ahead of it.
“Oh, don’t start,” she warns, with acid dripping from her voice.“I spent my entire night sitting up, worried out of my mind, and I don’t need you turning this into something it’s not.”
Who the hell am I in this car with?Has she been pretending all these weeks to feel differently than she does?She sees me the way Luca does, the way Dante does.
No, it’s worse.I’m good enough to fuck, to have a little excitement with, but in the end, I’m still the hired help.And between that and my history, she is beside herself at the thought of anyone finding out she would stoop so low.
She’s not finished, either.The girl has worked herself up into an epic meltdown.“Maybe if you didn’t pull that shit with me last night during dinner, she wouldn’t suspect anything.Why did you have to do that?”
“Excuse me, but are you or are you not the girl who begged me to make her come?”I ask, and it’s gratifying to see her eyes go wide and her face go red in the mirror.“You didn’t seem to have a problem with it then.You didn’t have to come out looking for me.”
“You didn’t give me any choice!”
“Please.”My laughter is cold, unlike the bitter fire cooking me from the inside out.“If that’s what you need to tell yourself, be my guest, but don’t lie to me.You went out there because you wanted to, and now you feel guilty and scared.Because, as far as you’re concerned, we can have all the fun we want so long as no one knows, but you would die a million deaths if anyone knew Alessandro Vitali stuck his dick in you.Can we at least be honest with each other?”
“That is a vile thing to say,” she hisses.
“That’s right.Now you’re the injured party, and I’m the unforgivable bastard.”If anything, this is what I’m used to.It’s the role I’ve always played.
And I’ve been kidding myself, pretending I was doing things right this time.There’s nothing right about this.All of my reservations come back, all of the reasons I fought so hard against this in the first place.
She’s too young.
She’s from the wrong family.
There’s too much bad blood in the past.
But I didn’t go into it wanting to hurt her.That’s the difference.That is what set this entire fucked-up situation apart.
“My family would never see me the same way,” she whispers.“Can’t you understand?I’m not trying to be mean or cold.I just wouldn’t know what to do if they hated me.”
“They would hate me, not you,” I murmur.They already do.Some of them might hide it better than others, but there’s no denying the cold, hard facts.I am the devil as far as they’re concerned, but I’m useful to them.And it’s in their best interest to avoid a war.They put up with me to keep things even-keeled, but it goes no further than that.
You did it to yourself.There’s that voice again, ringing in my ears, bringing up every mistake I’ve ever made, every thoughtless choice, and every unrepentant act of violence, and rubbing them in my face.
Including one victim in particular.
