He doesn’t answer.
“For me.” I gesture around the room. “Music’s the only thing to ever make sense. The only thing I had when Da threw me down the stairs. Something you and I create together.”
Padraig flinches. Of course he knows. He’s the one who stood between us and took a shot in the face trying to stop it from happening.
In the hovering silence, I might as well say my piece.
“You think I don’t want to let myself love Linus the way you love Stevie? I do.Jesus, I do. But what’s the point? His visa’s up soon. He’s not stayin.’ Why open my fuckin’ heart up any more than I have when I know he’s goin’ to leave? Both of us know it’ll be fuckin’ impossible for us to have a long-term, committed relationship with each other. Neither of us want to be in a monogamous gay relationship.”
I rake my hand through my hair, restless. Raw.
“I have to focus on the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I pour my pain into the songs. Into the stage. Into you. Fireball and you are the only two things I have that don’t make me feel like my life is a mistake.”
Padraig’s expression flickers. Concern etches his brow. I’m not saying this to manipulate him, I’m bleeding out the cold, honest truth I’ve been afraid to admit.
“I’m alive because of this band,” I finish. “Knowin’ we’d be doing this together…we can be great. Make a difference. Not only for us. For Connor.”
Padraig lets out a bitter breath. “If I ever lose you, I won’t be able to bear it.”
I pause, taken off guard.
He steps closer, voice low but shaking. “I’ve chosen you for years, Liam. The band. The dream. Every time Stevie needed support, I was focused on the next gig. Every time she talked about us raisin’ a family together someday, I blew her off like it wasn’t a priority. When it comes down to it, I didn’t give her any hope she could have a happily ever after with me. She’s always known you and the band are my priority. I’m tryin’ to come to terms with my choice, Liam. Can you please give me the space to process?”
“Padraig—”
“No. You don’t get to act like I’ve been half-in. You don’t get to question my loyalty when I’ve been bleedin’ for Fireball right alongside you.”
My throat goes dry. He’s not yelling. He doesn’t need to. The hurt in his voice says everything. I’ve asked him for too much and he’s given it. I’m a fucking asshole. “I know. I’m sorry I made you feel otherwise.”
“Are you?” His voice cracks. “Most times, it feels like none of it counts. Like I’m never enough.”
“Can we both dial it back for a second?” I beg. “We’ve got a real fuckin’ shot and we have to make a decision. You and me. Linus sees it too, and I know you trust his opinion. Felicity’s dead weight. We can’t take her with us if we want Fireball to work.”
Padraig shakes his head, exhausted.
“I want to dump Felicity,” I state plainly. “Then rerecord the EP with a new vocalist. Someone who actually wants to be in the band, not create drama for the sake of it.”
He crosses his arms. “Are you fuckin’ serious? We’ve done too much with her. Rehearsals. Studio time—”
“So what. Now’s a good time to cut our losses and start fresh. She’s not the right fit.”
“She’s good.”
“She’s poison,” I shoot back. “In the past year, she turns every rehearsal into a power struggle. The woman terrorizes Linus with her demands. And stop pretendin’ she’s not trying to get in your pants. It’s so fuckin’ obvious she’s turned her obsession with me to you.”
His jaw sets. “She hasn’t—”
“She has,” I snap. “She’s been givin’ you the ooey-gooey, honey-bear treatment to get you on her side. You think I don’t see it?Everyonedoes.”
Padraig looks away, color high in his cheeks.
I carry on. “Dar, you’re loyal to a fault, but this isn’t about loyalty. It’s about purpose. About buildin’ something lastin’ so the sacrifices we’ve made are worth it.”
“Truthfully, I don’t have it in me right now to make a change.” He exhales. “I don’t see how you do.”
“Atoxic dynamic isn’t getting us anywhere. If we don’t dump her, what do we do? Tell me.”
He can’t.
