Doesn’t mean I’m going to react. “Well, if you mean by “win,” I think it’s good she’s chasin’ her dream, then yes. Same way you should feel.”
He stares at me. “What the fuck do you mean?”
“It means you’ve been playin’ house since you were seventeen. Her getting’ the job in New York could free youup to remember who you were before she made you her everything.”
He jolts. “She didn’t make me do anything.”
“Didn’t say she did. I love Stevie, you know I do. In my opinion, though, you’ve forgotten how to want somethin’ for yourself.”
“Huh. Seems rich comin’ from you.”
I tilt my head. “What do you mean?”
“You and Linus, always off whisperin’ about the band. Pretending it’s all strategy, when really it’s an excuse to be together.” He jabs the air. “I’ve never hidden how much I love Stevie. You hide behind Fireball, so you don’t have to admit how much you love him.”
His comment cuts deeper than I expect.
“I can admit it.” I shift in my seat. “I’m not ashamed.”
“Could’ve fooled me. You barely look at him when we’re out.”
I tense. “Our relationship is no one’s fuckin’ business.”
“Exactly.” His voice drops. “No one’s business but the people who give a shit. What are we doin,’ Dar? Linus is someone who sees you, backs you, would burn the world down for you, and you treat him like he’s disposable.”
Ugh. His words land like a clean strike to my gut.
I blow out a breath, trying to keep my hands from shaking. “Can’t go all in on my relationship when I’m tryin’ to keep the band from fallin’ apart.”
He shakes his head. Not angry. Sad. “I get it, Dar. I do. But Stevie’s gone. She’sactuallygone. I can’t pretend I’m not wrecked. Can you give me a fuckin’ break?”
His voice fractures. I hate for him to hurt this bad. I can’t fix it and I’m the reason we’re here circling each other like strangers instead of the only constants we’ve ever had.
“I never hid how much I love her.” He squeezes his eyes shut. “I never made her feel small for being part of my world, I wanted her to beimmersedin my world. It hurtsshe didn’t want the same thing. You have someone who’ll do anything for you—for Fireball. You treat him like he’s leavin’ and he’s not even gone yet.” His eyes flash open. “Make it make sense?”
I rub my eyes. This conversation is spiraling into territory I’m not comfortable acknowledging myself, let alone discussing it with anyone else. Besides, I haven’t even broached what I came here to say.
“About the band.” I let out a heavy sigh. “We need to talk about what’s happenin’.”
He scoffs. “Here we go.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. You want me to promise I won’t follow her, right?”
I flinch. “No. Well, yeah, kind of. Fireball won’t continue if you’re not with me.”
“I’mhere,” he snaps. “I chose Fireball. I didn’t fuckin’ go to New York.”
“You’re half here. I need you all the way in.”
“I’m not a machine.”
I stand and pace. My hands are fists at my sides. “Do you remember what this band means to me? To us? Do you even fuckin’ recall the sacrifices Connor made for us to have this shot?”
He blinks. “Of course I do.”
“No.” I turn to face him. “I don’t think you ever really did. You’ve been distracted by Stevie for years. God, my ears used to bleed at the sound of you two fuckin’ like rabbits in our dorm room.”
