Owen glanced at the empty side of the bed, a hollow feeling in his stomach, suddenly feeling that perhaps it would be good to speak to somebody. “Maybe he’d be better off without me.” Through a tight throat, Owen finally voiced the thought that had been plaguing him for months.
“Oh, for God’s sake, cut the crap.” Matt’s voice was angry.So much for him providing a sympathetic ear.
Owen’s own anger rose in return. “I’m falling apart, Matt,” he spat. “My shoulder is fucked and it’s not getting any better. I can’t sleep properly. I’m short-tempered and a miserable bastard to live with. I’ve let some things fall through the cracks with the business. What do I have to offer Sebastian? A falling apart old man. He deserves someone closer to his own age, not fifteen years older. He deserves so much better. He deserves someone who can do everything with him.”
“Owen? Youareeverything to him.” There was a long pause, as if Matt was gathering his thoughts. “Listen, mate, I can’t tell you what to do or how to think, but I can tell you what I knowand see, and I’m sure if you step back a bit, you’ll see it too. That boy is crazy for you. You could be sixty, hell, eighty, and he’d still be madly in love with you. But if you don’t wake up to yourself soon, it might be too late. Don’t let the best thing that happened to you—to both of you—get away.”
There wasn’t much more to be said. Matt had made himself perfectly clear and given Owen something to think about. After somewhat reluctantly agreeing to meet Matt for lunch the next day, he placed the phone on the bedside table and stared at the shadows on the ceiling.
Matt had basically said the same thing Sebastian had said. Maybe there was some truth to it, and he should start to believe Sebastian. Believe in them.
Chapter Nine
The hours ticked byslowly, Owen watching the numbers flick on the digital clock, despite his best efforts to try and sleep. He tossed and turned, his eyes inevitably opening on a regular basis to stare at the glowing green numerals—just after 4 a.m.Fuck!
His body itched with restlessness, and he couldn’t lie in bed any longer. He threw back the covers, ignoring the coolness as he rose and his bare feet touched the floorboards. A hoodie, plucked from the back of the armchair in the corner of the bedroom, provided a welcome shield against the chill of the morning. The tea Owen was soon sipping warmed him from the inside, as he stood at the sunroom window and stared at the darkness beyond.
The sky was inky blackness, the city outside the window lit only by streetlights, with most houses still quiet and dark. An occasional car moved along the streets below, headlights marking their progress. Owen turned away from the window. A lamp on the side table cast a small golden pool of light that didn’t reach the edges of the room. He didn’t bother with additionallights, instead curling into the corner of the couch and sipping on the hot tea as he mulled over his thoughts.
Tomorrow—well, today really—was Sunday and Owen had agreed last night to meet with Matt and a group of friends for lunch. Actually, agreed was probably not the right word—been bullied into it was more like it. Still, lunch out with the guys was probably better than hanging out in the apartment alone, and it was time he pulled himself out of this slump. Matt’s words, and Sebastian’s parting comments, had really hit home.
It had been a bloody long week.
The hours and days had dragged by even though Owen tried to fill every waking moment with work. He’d hovered over his computer like a madman, assessing their current sales channels and investigating a couple of potential new customers. He’d researched their competition, and forecast sales numbers, silently high-fiving when the expected uplift showed through in the financial forecasts. But when the new contract from Design Concepts came through, the one he’d been waiting on with bated breath, the automatic reaction was to immediately call out the good news to Sebastian. The sense of disappointment at not being able to share the success with him had been overwhelming and left an empty feeling in Owen’s stomach that no email ever had the hope of filling. He’d typed the email anyway, letting Sebastian know that the order they’d been hoping for had come through, and that one of the top retailers in the country had contracted for six shipments over the coming year. It was definitely a win on the business front, and he knew Sebastian would be pleased. Sebastian’s excitement had been confirmed when the phone had rung within minutes of Owen hitting the send button on the email.
That congratulatory phone call had been the highlight of Owen’s week.
Sebastian’s enthusiasm had been tangible, the happiness evident in his voice, as he kept repeating what a great job Owen had done, how his efforts and hard work had paid off, and how much he deserved the sale. It was just like Sebastian to be happy for Owen and not just talk about the financial benefit to the business.
Owen sipped his tea, the liquid now tepid and unappetising, so he abandoned the mug to the side table. A glance to the window showed the sky was changing slightly, the dark inkiness now lightening to a deep indigo.
Sebastian loved sunrise.I wonder if he’s watching the same sky I am?
If he’d been with Sebastian on the island, they’d be lying in bed together now. Their bedroom had a huge window overlooking the bay, and Sebastian liked to sleep with the blinds open. Owen would slowly wake in the dawn hours, cocooned under the doona with Sebastian’s warm body nestled into his side. Sebastian would kiss him and insist Owen stay in bed “to keep it warm” while he went for a run. Owen wasn’t a fan of running, not like Sebastian, so, at Sebastian’s insistence—back in the day when Owen was still up for running—he only ran during the week and luxuriated with a sleep-in on the weekends. Owen would try to stay awake but usually dozed off, his eyes growing heavy as he watched out the window observing the sun rise higher in the sky and waited for Sebastian’s return. His day properly started when Sebastian came home, panting and sweaty, with a huge grin on his face. From then on they’d done things together—a shower, breakfast, even housework—it was a perfect way to start a Saturday or Sunday.
Even now Owen could picture Sebastian’s joyful expression when he came back from his run—
What a bloody idiot! How could I be so stupid?
Realisation dawned on Owen.
Even before his injury, Sebastian hadn’t minded running alone. He used his music to get in the zone and laughed when he teased Owen about not being as much of a morning person as him. When Owen had started tagging along with Sebastian on weekdays, mostly because he needed to keep fit, Sebastian had enjoyed that just as much, but it hadn’t been something he’d insisted upon.
Owen wasn’t holding Sebastian back. Sebastian was happy either way. Exactly as he said.
He thought about the other things Sebastian had pointed out—how much he’d enjoyed the quiet times just as much as the active times, how his worry was for Owen and his desire was to see Owen happy. It fully dawned on him that he’d been the one to put pressure on himself. He could blame the painkillers, the insomnia, and the depression, but it when it came down to it, he’d just not been listening.
Shit!He could have lost Sebastian over something so stupid as his own insecurities. Why the hell hadn’t he trusted in the love they shared? Sebastian said he wasn’t leaving him; he was just giving Owen time to sort his shit out. Well, his shit was officially sorted.
As his eyes grew heavy, Owen felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest. His breathing fell into a deep regular rhythm and his last thought was that he was going to rectify things as soon as he could.
Owen opened his eyes and quickly closed them again, as a beam of sunlight blinded him.Jeez.He must have fallen back to sleep and slept for a couple of hours judging by the strength of the daylight. He slowly opened his eyes again and blinked cautiously, easing himself from the couch, wincing at the stab of pain that shot into the back of his skull. He shrugged against the pain—the headache was a different kind of pain than he was used to but waking in agony was nothing new. Owenstraightened, enjoying the satisfying crack of vertebra as he stood to his full six-foot one inch height. If he thought sleeping in his bed was uncomfortable, it had nothing on sleeping on the couch, but remembering his plan of action for today had him brightening immediately. Owen grabbed the empty tea mug and flicked on the TV on his way past to the kitchen. A cup of coffee would be sure to wake him up and then he’d tackle a shower.
Everything else could wait. The only thing that mattered was telling Sebastian how sorry he was and getting him to come home as soon as possible. Owen was fully prepared to grovel—he’d beg if need be. He chuckled at the idea of getting down on bended knee as he admitted to Sebastian that he’d been a fool.
A sudden wave of longing hit him.Fuck!The thought of kneeling in front of Sebastian sent a flash of longing into his chest. He wanted to ask Sebastian more than to come home. He wanted to ask him to stay with him forever. Lay everything on the line and make a commitment, a commitment more than they already had.
Owen sipped on the coffee. What would Sebastian think if he proposed marriage? They hadn’t really talked about it before—maybe because they had thought the formality wasn’t necessary—but suddenly having that conversation seemed to take on new importance. Sure, he didn’t need the piece of paper, but he needed Sebastian to know that he was it for him.
