It had been a sense of self-preservation that had caused him to cut himself off from new relationships. He just wasn’t willing to sacrifice his heart. It was a whole different set of reasons that had kept Sean from even seeking the casual encounters that would have meant he didn’t have to rely solely on satisfaction at his own hand. And now something had changed—something momentous.
The butterflies were in full force as Sean got ready for the night ahead. In fact it felt more like a flock of small birds, despite the fact he felt ready to take things to the next step. He’d assessed and analysed and psyched himself up. He’d thought back on all the lectures and pep talks from Joanna over the past year and listed all the reasons why he should take a chance. He’d even gone as far as assessing the worst things that could happen and weighed up the odds. The overwhelming result? Jason was worth it, and he was finally going to put his heart on the line.
As he shaved, Sean kept reminding himself of the new leaf he’d turned, but decided he’d better not take too long getting ready—he needed to hightail it out of there before he lost his courage. Fifteen minutes later, dressed in dark jeans and a pale blue collared shirt that Joanna said complemented his dark complexion, Sean took one last look in the mirror.You’ve got this. He grabbed his phone, keys, and the bottle of red wine purchased earlier, and headed to the car.
He was excited that Jason had invited him around for dinner. They’d been out a number of times and shared some meals, but it had been so long since someone apart from Joanna had cooked for him. The idea that Jason wanted to open his home and prepare a meal for him seemed special and personal.
Now he was on his way, and although he’d happily accepted the invitation, he started having second thoughts. The first thing to cross his mind was the fear that this meant they were in a real relationship, no longer just friends or colleagues sharing a meal or grabbing a quick pizza. No longer a casual date, the relationship was moving to something more serious. He reminded himself that this was the very thing hewanted. His primary concern was what being alone with Jason, in Jason’s home, might mean. He knew there were most likely expectations—or maybe hopes, if not expectations—that the privacy of Jason’s home would allow them to explore each other more. Sean, even with his own issues, had been thinking about it for weeks. He could only assume that Jason had too.
As he rounded the corner onto Jason’s street, Sean gave himself a mental shake. Nothing would happen that he didn’t want to happen. In fact, he trusted Jason implicitly; it was his own reaction that worried him the most. He searched for a parking space, amazed to find one across the road from Jason’s apartment, and viewing this as a good omen, he grabbed the wine, locked the car, and made his way to the buzzer before he could change his mind. He took a deep, calming breath and pressed the button. It was only when he heard Jason’s cheery voice on the intercom, asking him to come up, that he managed to relax slightly.
Once he reached the front door, the welcome from Jason couldn’t be warmer. “Hey! C’mon in. It’s great to see you.” He smiled widely and pulled Sean into a quick hug, pressing the wine bottle between them. All too soon he released him and stepped back.
Sean held out the bottle. “Here, this is for you. I wasn’t sure what you were cooking, though. It’s Merlot, so if we’re not having red meat you might want to keep it for another time. I hope it’s all right?”Jesus. I’m babbling like an idiot.
Jason grabbed the wine bottle, studying the label. “Mmm, 2017. A good year.”
“Wow,” Sean said, eyes widening, “You know about wine?”
Jason chuckled. “I don’t. I’m just pulling your leg. But if you chose it, I’m sure it’s great. I usually just ask the store what they recommend or buy the expensive bottle off the wine list. I figure if it costs a lot, it’s got to be good. Right?” He headed down the hall. “Come on, follow me, and I’ll give you the grand tour.”
The apartment was reasonably sized, probably a little smaller than Sean’s own modest two-bedroom home, but it was warm and lived-in. The kitchen was galley-style, counters facing each other in a long room that was separate to the living area. The living area consisted of a dining space with table, chairs, and dresser, and a seating area with a couch and two armchairs. In standard style, opposite the couch was an entertainment unit crammed full of audiovisual equipment, including the obligatory wide-screen television.
Jason’s interests were obvious in the huge collection of books that filled the shelves lining one wall. He also had a DVD collection; somewhat unusual in the age of streaming. Taking a closer look, it appeared there was a whole shelf devoted to horror classics. Art was provided in the form of framed pictures, mostly landscape shots, on the remaining walls. One of a group of surfers particularly caught his attention. The room itself was painted a neutral colour, the couch was beige, and the rug black-and-white, but there were bold splashes of colour—red, orange, and pale blue—in the scatter cushions and some strategically placed ornaments.
“Nice place,” Sean stated appreciatively as he took it all in. “I like it.” And he meant it—Jason’s apartment was homey, somewhere he could imagine spending time.
“Thanks.” Jason pointed at an archway. “Down that hall are two bedrooms and a bathroom. That’s about it, apart from the laundry, which is off the kitchen. So why don’t you make yourself at home while I get the drinks. Do you want beer or water, or should I open the wine?”
“Wine would be great. Thanks.”
“Back in a tick.” Jason headed back towards the kitchen.
Sean followed him with his eyes for a moment until he’d disappeared from sight. He took a deep breath.So far, so good.He took a seat on the couch and waited for Jason’s return.
The evening ended up being better than Sean could have hoped. Jason’s meal was a triumph—simple but delicious.
“I called my mum, and she gave me the recipe,” Jason explained when Sean complimented him on the beef and Guinness pot pie.
“Well, pass on my thanks to your mum. I haven’t enjoyed a home-cooked meal as good as this one in I don’t know how long. Her pie is amazing.” He rubbed his belly to emphasise his words.
“Hey!” Jason tossed his balled-up napkin at Sean. “I’m the one who did the cooking and deserveallthe credit,notmy mother.”
Sean laughed. “Okay, you’ve done well. My compliments to the chef.”
As they used the last of the bread to sop up the juices from their plates, the conversation flowed easily, and surprisingly Sean found himself opening up and sharing things he hadn’t thought about for years. It had been so long since he spoken about himself, he was amazed at how naturally the words came.
“There’s nothing like the feeling of moving through the water—the quiet and peace, just you and the water, lap after lap.”
“You sound pretty dedicated. I could never get into swimming. I mean, swimming in the ocean, yes, but swimming in a pool, not so much. To be honest, it sounds a bit boring. Nothing to look at apart from the black line on the bottom, the same thing, over and over.”
Sean took a sip of his wine and thought about Jason’s comment. “I think that’s what makes it so appealing. I guess it’s a form of meditation. Nothing to do but calm and centre yourself or work through an issue with no interruptions.”
“So where do you swim around here?”
Sean looked at him in surprise, although he had no idea why he hadn’t anticipated the question. “Around here?” He paused before answering truthfully. “Actually, I don’t swim anymore.” He took another large drink of wine, tempted to change the subject. “I’ve been meaning to get back into it,” he lied. “I just haven’t found the time lately.”
Jason didn’t push him on it, and Sean was able to relax again, really enjoying Jason’s company and instead focusing on more of his silly stories.
