* * *
Jason rackedhis brain as he tried to come up with something totally mind-blowing, something unusual, something that would show Sean that he was serious about him. But it all felt so forced, like grand gestures for the sake of grand gestures. When it came down to it, he wanted to build a relationship based on honesty, not try to build something based on one-time extravagances. He thought of asking Roger for ideas but then thought better of it—this was between him and Sean. Whatever he was going to do, it would be personal and from the heart.
He’d just decided to send an e-mail to Sean, tackle the issue head-on and ask to meet, when his Messenger app chimed, indicating a new incoming message—Sean.
Sean:I’m sorry for leaving so quickly last night. I feel I owe you some kind of explanation. Are you free for coffee this afternoon?
Jason: Apology not necessary but would like to talk.
Sean: This afternoon okay?
Jason: Three? Across the road?
Sean: Perfect. See you there.
Three o’clock couldn’t come around quicklyenough. Jason paced, unable to sit still and grateful that Sean wasn’t at his own desk to see his restlessness. He didn’t think he could stand knowing Sean was so close, and yet so far at the same time. He tried to distract himself with work and responded to a couple of e-mails, typed two paragraphs on a report, and stacked papers on his desk, moving things from pile to pile without achieving anything. Basically the day was turning into a write-off.
Just before three he took the elevator to the ground floor and quickly made his way across the road to the coffee shop. Too impatient to wait for the lights, he made a dash for it, causing a blue sedan to sound its horn and the driver to shout at him through the open window. He lifted a hand in apology.Idiot, he thought, referring to himself. No point in getting himself killed in his eagerness to talk to Sean.
He entered the coffee shop, hit by the strong smell of coffee as he pushed open the doors, and saw that Sean already sat in a booth at the back. Sean looked up and met his eyes before lowering them back to the coffee in front of him. He quickly crossed the coffee shop and slid into the booth, placing his phone on the table and picking up the menu. He didn’t need it, being familiar with its contents. Plus, all he wanted was black coffee, hoping the caffeine would settle his nerves and not make his nervousness more pronounced. Shoving the menu aside, he nodded to the waitress who approached, quickly took his order, and left.
“I… I’m not sure what to say,” Sean said, still looking at his coffee and avoiding Jason’s gaze. “You deserve to know what happened, but I’m not sure how much I can tell you.”
“You don’t need to tell me anything, Sean. I know something upset you. Sure, I’d like to know what it was so that I can make sure I don’t say or do the wrong thing again, but if you’re not ready to tell me, then I’m not going to pressure you.”
Sean looked up and raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Are you serious?”
“Of course I’m serious.” Jason’s sharp tone reflected his momentary annoyance. He made an effort to soften his tone. “I won’t try to force you to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with. You’re entitled to your privacy.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean that—but thank you. I meant are you serious that you want to see me again? Or were you meaning at work?”
“I definitely want to see you again, Sean. I think we have the beginning of something special, and I don’t want to let one night ruin our friendship and whatever that may lead to. I’m not gonna pretend to know what upset you, but I’m hoping it’s something we can fix, or I can change, or at least know how to avoid it happening again.”
Sean looked at him with sadness in his eyes. “If only it were that easy. I know it sounds clichéd, but it’s not you, it’s me. You haven’t done or said anything wrong and you certainly don’t need to change a thing.”
Does he mean it? It sounded genuine.With a sense of hope, Jason reached across the table and took Sean’s hand, giving it a squeeze to reassure him.
Sean continued in a quiet voice, barely loud enough to carry over the din of the restaurant. “There are things I thought I’d resolved, but obviously I haven’t, and I’m still struggling to deal with them. I can’t promise you anything, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be who I was before.”
Not really understanding what Sean was talking about but wanting Sean to understand how much he meant to him, Jason gave his hand another squeeze. “I don’t know what you were like before, Sean. I only know the man I met less than a year ago. I’ve seen what a confident and capable person you are at work and admire your skill and experience. But over the past few weeks, I’ve come to see what a special person you really are—your thoughtfulness, your passion, your sense of humour. I don’t need any more than that. I don’t need whatever you were before. I like what I see now. Imorethan like what I see now.”
They gazed at each other, Sean speechless, perhaps digesting what Jason had said, before the waitress interrupted their moment by returning with the coffee. They pulled their hands apart and looked at her.
“You want another?” she said to Sean as she placed Jason’s cup down.
“No, I’m fine,” Sean said, coming out of his daze.
She nodded before wandering away.
Jason knew he probably only had one chance and didn’t want to give Sean time to dwell on all the things that were troubling him and causing him to doubt his ability to be with Jason. “So what do you say? One day at a time? No pressure?”
Sean just nodded, so Jason used the opportunity to change the topic before Sean had a chance to change his mind.
9
They started seeingeach other again but took things slow and steady, exactly as Jason had promised, with no pressure. Just a quick lunch the next day between meetings followed by getting together for a movie later in the week. Jason let Sean set the pace, and for that, Sean was endlessly grateful.
Although they mainly saw each other at work, apart from the evening at the movies where they didn’t talk much anyway, preferring to laugh along at the comedy, they spent a lot of time getting to know each other with countless e-mails and texts going back and forth. Silly jokes and random observations were interspersed with Jason’s “getting to know you” e-mails.
