“Thanks, Micah.”I smile up at her.
“All good.Take as long as you need.We have things covered here for you.”
And she hangs up to address the supplier in the meeting.Leaving me with the impression she saw more than she’s let on.
Koby takes my hand.“Let’s go get a coffee and talk.”
And I let him lead me away to the hospitality tent because I need to learn to let him fully into my heart.
After what felt like a long and trying day, Koby insisted on riding back in the shuttle bus with me.What would normally be a move filled with playful teasing from the team, of having a “rival team member” ride back to the hotel with us, is met with no one batting an eye at Koby sitting next to me.Holding my hand and running his hands up and down my arm.Ensuring he soothes me and keeps me calm.
We weave our way through the hotel lobby to the elevators, along with a few of the other team members.I lean my body against the corner in the back.What a mind-fuck of a day.And it was all my own doing.In my own head.Not talking to anyone about it.Especially not Koby, who I know would never judge me or think differently of me about the thoughts I have been having.
Each floor, people exit, the elevator gets emptier and Koby’s grip on my hand feels tighter.His thumb rubs circles across the back of my hand.
It’s Micah, Koby and me at the end of the ride, and Micah looks back, wishing us a nice evening, with an empathetic smile to me.
We head to our hotel room, and I’m done.Finally able to drop my shoulders and unclench my jaw.
“Guessing some room service?”Koby asks as he places my bag on the dining table.Which he took off me on the bus, like he’s always done.
“That sounds great.Thank you.”
“You know you don’t have to thank me for that?”
“You’re taking my current stage into consideration though.I’m thankful.”
He walks over to me and engulfs me in his arms.
“I know, and you know I would do anything for you.No thanks needed.I just want you to talk to me when you are having these thoughts so I can help you.”
He runs a finger down my face and tucks some stray hair behind my ear and lifts my chin to brush his lips against mine.
“Communication.”
“Communication,” he repeats.“And I will always be here.You can’t push me away.”
I nod my acceptance.
“How about you go have a shower, I’ll order us food and we can just relax.”
“Sounds great.”I resist the urge to thank him and plant a chaise kiss on him instead.
Prying myself off the lounge and out of Koby’s arms a few hours after gorging on room service, I stand in the bathroom applying my estrogen gel before bed.Waiting for it to dry before putting my pyjamas on.Partaking in my nighttime routine: inspecting my body.Seeing each mark, each scar, each imperfection…each…story.Each…memory.My mind feels like it resets and flips.Fuck.
I’m in my fucking forties.My body has been through pregnancy ending in an emergency C-section.Broken bones and truckloads of emotional trauma.This body isn’t perfect.It’s…strong.It’s been through shit and came out stronger on the other end.Each scar or stretch mark, dimpled or wavy area tells a story.My fucking story.
My focus zooms out, and instead of seeing my body in the minor details, I look at the complete picture.Me.A woman who has lived her life how she wanted to.How she chose to.How she decided to handle what life threw at her.
And she is a fucking badass for coming back stronger.Each time with a battle scar.
27
Rayna
June – One Raceway, NSW
“How’sthingsgoing?”Iask into the laptop screen.Louie and Leni are on the screen, having their meeting in Louie’s motorhome.“Brax did a good job of bringing Leni up to scratch.She’s been taking over seamlessly.”Louie looks over at Leni and pats her back.
