Fascinating. Carver waited and said nothing.
“You did say you were going to make something of yourself,” Scott said. “And you did. And I said I was gonna go be a star… and I’m still working on that.”
Okay, so it was all about Scott’s bruised ego and how Carver was pressing a thumb into the bruise by standing there witha sheen of normative achievement. Nothing to see here. Jesus Christ, was there not one drop of life he could suck from this place? Must everything be tedium and lashings? Carver wanted to tell Scott to move over so he, too, could punch the hood of the van in anger.
He had no idea what he wanted from Scott in reality, except what he had always wanted deep within the hot core of himself, which was a chance to rewind the clock by eighteen years and go with Scott to California just to see what would happen. Carver knew he would have regretted it, he knew he would have been miserable, knew the decision would have estranged him from his family and destroyed his future while he and Scott fought like dogs and cheated on each other.
But for some reason it made him sick that he would never know. And he did not want to be sick. It rankled him that there would always be this door standing ajar so far behind him in the hallway of his life. This was why he wanted to rip the bandana of his virginity from Scott’s arm. He knew Scott had fucked a little bit of California into him that night. They had done something to each other that Carver still couldn’t understand or explain. And then Scott had picked up his guitar and played the songs he’d written for Carver, who realized how fucked he was as he lay there in the wet spot on the bed. Carver had, in that moment, mentally lashed himself to the mast in defense against this siren, though he’d neglected to stuff cotton in his ears. Now he walked around wondering if he should have just doomed himself and gotten it over with.
“I don’t know how much I actually made of myself,” Carver said, in a flat tone and without really meaning to.
Scott looked at him in curiosity.
Carver shrugged. “I’m not sure it was enough for my parents, at least.”
Scott’s eyes softened. “Yeah, I was kind of getting that impression last night.”
Carver’s heart throbbed. “Great,” he said with a mirthless grin of his own. “Glad it’s that obvious.”
“Nah, I just have the context. I mean, I remember you saying you thought it wouldn’t be enough.”
“Yeah,” Carver said, still grinning. “Yeah, I did say that, and yet.”
“I’m sorry, man. I think that’s honestly insane of them. You’re the most successful person I know.”
“You mean richest?”
“No, like… I see —” Scott looked momentarily embarrassed. “I keep up with you a little, online. I see you get mentioned in Bloomberg articles and shit. I know you’re actually out there changing the shape of the world, at least a little.”
“Yeah,” Carver said. “Well, I’m not sure how useful the changes are. And if it wasn’t me, it would just be someone else sitting at my desk.”
“But they wouldn’t make the same decisions you would.”
“No, at this level the decisions pretty much make themselves, trust me.”
“So you got promoted away from the work,” Scott said, nodding. “I’m familiar with the concept. Why not drop back down or go somewhere else?”
“Lillian and I came up together, we’re a team, so it’s tough. And I’m in golden handcuffs with my carried interest, and frankly I don’t want to take a pay cut.”
Scott nodded more, then took a pack of cigarettes and lighter out of his breast pocket. “Okay,” he said, sliding one out and lighting it.
“I always thought I might do something with the money, though,” Carver said. “I don’t know. Quit and just go do something else.”
“Didn’t you talk about med school, a couple times?”
“Ah… I think I was just trying to outdo my parents. Doctor beats lawyer.”
“I thought there was more to it than that.”
Carver shrugged. “I don’t think so. You know what the ironic thing is? My parents love you, now. They think it’s so fucking cool you had a radio hit and that you’re out there living the dream.”
Scott started laughing mid-puff, and blew out smoke, coughing. “Oh, man. Yeah, they’ve been very kind to me. It took me by surprise, honestly.” He took another drag, not making eye contact with Carver. “I don’t think they’d be so welcoming if they knew about the shit I was doing to you in this house back in the day.”
Carver leapt out of his body as all his blood rushed to his head. His lips and nose went numb and tingled; his eyes bounced off of Scott’s body and fixed themselves firmly on the wall behind him.
“Uh,” he said, several seconds later.
“Good, so you do remember,” Scott said.
