It seems as good a place as any to have this conversation.
When Jade pushes open the door and we step inside, it’s like stepping back in time. It looks just the way I remember—upscale, but not too fancy. Quaint and charming. The sort of place that’s easy to return to. It’s only three pm, so the bar is unsurprisingly empty, apart from the bartender and one surly man at a table on his own, whiskey glass hovering below his mouth.
The bearded bartender looks up when we enter, greeting us with a huge smile. “Wow, ladies. I haven’t seen you in a bit.”
“Hey, Seamus,” Jade says, giving him a toothy grin.
Seamus is synonymous with the Twin Pines, as far as Jade and I are concerned. He’s been here nearly every single time we’ve come, and there’s no quicker way to get to know someone than being four drinks deep every time you chat with them. You can thank my love of martinis for why I know that he moved here in his twenties to pursue music. Even ten years later, he still plays local shows on occasion, but he never saw any kind of real success with it. Still, he always seems genuinely happy. Affable. Far from his family and working in a job he didn’t dream of doing, he’s a consummate ray of sunshine. It doesn’t hurt that his good looks and accent are enough to turn even the most miserly bar patron into a big tipper.
I give him a small wave and slide onto a barstool, the reality of my situation sinking in. How much do I tell her? How much detail do I go into?
How do you even start a conversation like this?
“We’re going to need the absolute filthiest gin martinis you can conceive of, and we’ll need you to keep them coming,” I tell Seamus, a forced smile on my face.
“Sure thing,” he responds. He wastes no time getting down to business, pulling down a bottle of gin, and focusing on our drinks.
I squirm on the barstool, trying to get comfortable. Jade is quiet until Seamus returns. He sets our drinks in front of us on the bar and immediately steps away to give us space.
“Syd, you’re making me nervous,” Jade finally says. “I think this is the longest we’ve ever gone without yapping.”
“He hurt me,” I blurt out.
Jade goes stiff on her seat.
I can’t meet her eyes when I say it, so I talk to my martini instead. “Yeah, emotionally. You know that part, already, I guess. He was awful. But there was more. I thought I was hiding it so well, thought I was keeping it together, but of course you noticed. I should have known you’d figure it out.”
“You’re babbling,” Jade whispers, putting her hand over mine to keep me from fidgeting. “Take a breath and slow down. What do you mean he hurt you?”
I take a few deep breaths before continuing.
Calm, I tell myself.I am an ocean of calm.
“He would get in these moods. And at first, he would just throw things or punch a wall. Maybe even break something. But then one night, he…he slapped me. And then…it only happened a few times,” I admit. My voice is so low that I’m not sure she even heard me until I glance over and see her staring at the wall, her eyes unfocused.
“Only?” Jade mutters. “There’s no ‘only,’ Sydney.He hurtyou.” I open my mouth to argue, but she just shakes her head. “I can’t believe I didn’t know this. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
She turns and pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug. She hugs me for all the times I was scared, all alone on the floor of my apartment. For all the times I had to lock myself in a different room to keep things from escalating. For all the times I avoided going home, wandering the city, waiting for him to calm down enough that I felt safe going back.
“It’s my fault you didn’t know,” I tell her. “I was so embarrassed. Things were so normal at first. He made me feel so loved and then… I thought it was my fault. The first time he hit me, it was about something so stupid, I can’t even remember what we were arguing about. Then he’d apologize, and he was… He would be so sweet for a while.”
Jade hugs me tighter.
“I really thought I loved him, you know? Ididlove him, at the start.”
“I know,” Jade murmurs. “But he took that love and he hurt you with it. And that’s not your fault.”
We’re silent for a while as she just holds me, my head on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry I never told you. I knew if I did, it would be real, and I would have to make a decision I wasn’t ready to make.” I pick up my head to look her in the eyes. “I need you to know that it was never about not trusting you.”
Jade gives me a sad smile. “Of course I know that. I just wish I could have done something more.” The smile slips off her face. “God, I could just kill him, Syd. I wanted to kill him before I knew this, and now?—”
“There’s more,” I say before I can change my mind. “You know about him showing up at Katie’s barbecue, but he also came by the shop. And then to my apartment. He’s been following me, harassing me. Seb knows, but he doesn’t know the full history of what the relationship was like. He doesn’t know Chase was ever violent with me. You’re the only one I’ve told.Now I keep thinking I see him wherever I go, and I don’t know if it’s in my head or not.”
Panic flares in Jade’s eyes as she listens. “Fuck. Okay. Sweetie, we need to get you out of that apartment. If he’s been harassing you, I don’t think it’s safe for you to be there alone.”
“And where exactly am I supposed to go?” I ask. “The café is downstairs! It’s not like I can disappear. He knows I’ll be there. And your couch is occupied now, remember?” Jade opens her mouth to argue, but I cut her off. “It’s okay. Seb has been keeping an eye on things. He knows Chase has been bothering me, and he was going to get a restraining order for me, right? I guess Ash probably knows, too, now, since he was the one who beat the shit out of him.”
