Idropped my head to the kitchen table and grunted in pain when I found pokey sequins instead of tabletop. I made an unhappy noise and pushed a bunch of tulle and crystals aside so I could be dramatic without cutting my head open. Aunt Jolene’s whole house was like that, a colorful scene one move from being in theSawfranchise. Since I’d moved in with her at the start of the summer I’d stepped on three pins from her sewing kit and slipped on a rubber boob the size of a cantaloupe. I’d also nearly died from a heart attack multiple times when I entered the bathroom in the middle of the night and found myself face to face with a wig form hanging from the shower rod with another giant wig pinned to it.
I wasn’t sure if Aunt Jolene had found her way to Dolly Parton because she’d been born Jolene or if she’d found Dolly Parton and changed her name. My mom had passed when I was too young to know anything and Dad had never been all that close with his late wife’s sister. I was too intimidated by the womanto ask her since I’d moved in with her. She was full of life and energy and I was almost scared that asking her would end in a musical number. She was very…vocal.
The woman herself sang her way into the kitchen, clicking her nails together just like Dolly had done for her hit “9 to 5”. The long nails were crystal encrusted and long enough to kill a man if she poked one into his chest. Without looking up I knew she was dressed in something equally as sparkly, her boobs pushed up and out, a giant blonde wig glued into place. All of it done perfectly, of course. There was no half-assed Dolly impersonation for Aunt Jolene.
“Well, well, well. I know that look.” She tapped the back of my head on her way to our hot pink vintage fridge. “A little hair of the dog will fix ya right up, honey.”
I rolled my head to the side and got poked in the eye by a stray feather. Blinking rapidly, I groaned and pushed away the beer she offered me. “It’s not that kind of hair of the dog that I’d need.”
“Ooh, do tell.” She leaned against the hot pink cabinet next to the stove and flipped a Virginia Slim into her mouth. She never lit it but it was the last holdover from an old habit. “Tell your Aunt Jolene everything.”
I flicked away the feather and stared at her cigarette. “Maybe I should pick up a new habit.”
“Your mother would dig her way out of her grave and murder me if I gave you a cigarette. She hated that I smoked.”
I ignored the familiar ache deep in my chest when my mother was brought up. “I couldn’t smoke anyway. You haven’t seen pissed off until you do something like that in front of your competition cheer team.”
“Ugh.” She motioned at me with the cigarette. “I don’t know where you get that from. That cheer shit? And the running? Ew. Let’s not focus on all the ways I think your father led you astray.Instead tell me about last night. I have a feeling you showed a bit of me and your momma last night.”
It was harder to ignore the ache when I thought about my dad. “Um, yeah. Maybe it was your poor influence because I tried to sleep with three men last night. At the same time.”
She snapped her cigarette in half, surprise stretching her bright red lips wide. “Oh, that is definitely my influence! I spent 1999 having sex with three men. They wereThree Stoogesimpersonators. God. You would not think men who spent their free time pretending to gouge each other’s eyes out would be so good in bed but they were.”
I considered taking the beer she’d offered me. “Why did I think I could shock you?”
“I don’t know because I’ve been alive a lot longer than you and I’velived, baby. Now tell me about these men. It was a college party, right? Probably means it wasn’t all that good. That’s probably why you said you tried to do it instead of that you actually did it.”
I snorted. “No, that wasn’t the issue.”
“Then why’d you stop? If I’ve ever seen anyone who needs to get laid, it’s you.”
“Thanks.” Pushing away from the table I started organizing her things into piles. “The Ford brothers. I almost slept with the Ford brothers.”
“Excuse me? I thought I heard you say you almost slept with theFordbrothers. Texas football royalty.” She patted her hair, a wig styled into a giant beehive, and smirked at me. “I know that because you spent the entire summer ranting and raving about the family from hell, the family you wanted to see burn.”
“I didn’t say I wanted to see them burn.” I’d probably definitely said that. Especially when I’d first arrived at her doorstep, heartbroken and more lost than I’d ever been. I’d just walked away from everything. I had nothing to show for a life I’ddevoted to Cole. I didn’t have it in me to hate him, though, so I’d focused on Savannah Ford and her brothers.
“Denial is like shitting in your own hand, babycakes. You can do it but why would you when it ends so poorly?”
I stopped with a handful of pink glitter, loose and sparkling as it spread like the crafty venereal disease it was. “That’s not a real saying. It can’t be.”
“I said it, so it is.” She waved me off, those long red nails sparkling more than the glitter adhering itself to my skin. “Anyway, tell me how you almost screwed the men you’re determined to hate.”
Since I hadn’t been raised around her it was easy to divulge everything. I felt like I was telling a friend and not a familial adult who would judge me. I told her everything, even the parts that made my cheeks burn. “They weren’t gross or creepy about any of it. They were…sweet. I didn’t expect that. Or the way they just kept complimenting me. It felt too real.”
“You ran away from three sexy men who didn’t suck in bed and who seemed to think the sun was shining out of your ass?” She pulled out another cigarette and held it between her fingers while pouring herself a glass of sweet tea. The glass was tinted pink, of course. “Now I know that it’s nature over nurture. You sound just like me. A therapist told me once that I craved connection but also feared it. She said that’s why I live as Dolly and not myself. But she had bigger sideburns than the guy I’m seeing later so forgive me if I needed a second opinion. The next guy I saw stared at my tits the entire session so when he tried to tell me that same bullshit I kicked him right in his flat ass and told him where he could go.”
I stared back at her with a blank expression. I never knew if she was messing with me or if she was just that insane.
“Hell. I told him he could go to hell.” She adjusted her boobs and ran her hands down the tight flannel shirt she’d tucked intoa pair of high-waisted jeans. She was full on Dolly, down to the platform sandals and rhinestones on her back pockets.
“I’m confused. Do you think I’m afraid of connection? Or was that just a story about you being an awful patient?”
“Well, hell, honey, I don’t know. Nobody’s ever paid me two hundred bucks an hour to scratch my balls and question other people’s choices.” Aunt Jolene tapped the end of my nose with one of her talons. “I just know you’ve been depressed. And depressing. Next time, finish the job and get yourself fucked, baby. You need it. I won’t be home till late. Sideburns promises to be a fun, fun time.”
I was still holding that handful of glitter when she walked away, hummingIslands in the Stream. “I’m not afraid of connection. I tried to have a connection with Cole for years.”
She stopped and looked back at me. “Funny how when you’re terrified of connection you usually choose men who don’t want you. Just a thought.”
