“Sure,” I lied. I reached over and kissed him softly. “We have our whole lives to be together. What’s four years in the scheme of things?”
I realized a few minutes later that the ice cream at Haney’s shop didn’t taste as sweet when it was mixed with the first lie I had ever told the man I loved.
Annabelle
We’re Living
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away all on His own time. And there isn’t anything a man or woman can do to really change that, according to Lovey. There wasn’t any other good explanation as to why a twenty-three-year-old who’d never had so much as an imperfect checkup still wasn’t pregnant.
It had been only a little over a year, sure. But something inside Ben and me as a couple just needed that little person to complete our family. In retrospect, I wonder if that deep longing for a child of our own was a bit of a cop-out, an insurance policy in case we realized that everyone was right: We hadn’t known each other well enough to get married. If it were only the two of us, it would be easy to walk away. If another person were in our lives, it would keep us together, would force us to tunnel underneath the ground of those hard years and come out the other side as in love as we ever were.
I could picture this tiny, energetic son of ours, twirling in the grass at music festivals, listening to his daddy sing onstage andwanting to be just like him. I could see myself, a crown of flowers in my hair, rocking a brown-eyed baby girl on my lap underneath the stars outside the RV.
At one of those very festivals where I was dreaming about our little mini-mes, an agent approached Ben about cutting a demo.
I was so excited I could scarcely breathe. Maybe it’s because I was so intoxicated by the sound of his voice onstage, but I knew that Ben could have been someone really important in the music world.
“You know,” he said to the agent, as I was sure he was about to sign on the dotted line, “I really appreciate that. But I just sort of make music for fun.”
It was our first real fight.
Back in the RV, I’d said, “Are you crazy? Do you know how many people wait a lifetime for an opportunity like that? How many people scrape and fight and claw to try to get anyone to even listen to them? And you have it handed to you on a silver platter and say, ‘no thanks’?”
Ben shrugged. “I love music, and I don’t want that to change. Albums and tour dates and pressure...” He waved his hand. “I don’t want all that.”
“But, sweetheart,” I said, softening, changing my tactic, “you could do what you love for a living.”
He shook his head and peeked it into the refrigerator, emerging with a beer. “We’re living right now, aren’t we? Besides, I just want a simple life.”
“Sure, Ben, yeah. I mean, we’re living. But what about when we’re older, what about when we have kids? You could be up there onstage every night and selling albums every day and paying for our house and private school and college funds just by singing.”
Ben looked at me in bewilderment. “Private school? Are you kidding me? There’s no way our kids are going to private school.”
I had taken my private school education for granted, just always assumed that my kids would go there too. And, in reality, the only kids I had considered having were with Holden, so there wasn’t much of a question. But I knew that where our kids went to school wasn’t really the issue that night. So I said, “I guess we can cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“The bridge to public school,” Ben said under his breath.
I couldn’t understand it then. Maybe I was too young or too naïve, but I couldn’t reason out why someone would throw away his chance at fame. Now I realize that being happy isn’t about any of that. And that happiness is something you have to hold on to no matter what. But, that night, I said, “Are you seriously that unmotivated? Or are you afraid of failure? Or what? I do not get it.”
Ben sat down beside me on the couch and tried to pull me to him. But I was too worked up to give in. “It’s not any of that,” he said quietly. “I have everything I want. I finally found the woman of my dreams, and I don’t want to risk you or this happy life for anything.”
I shook my head, knowing I couldn’t stand my ground against an argument like that. I leaned over and kissed him. “I love you,” I whispered. “I just want you to get what you deserve.”
“I love you too,” he said. “And, maybe you don’t get this, but our happiness in our little life is the only thing that matters to me.”
In the entirety of that wanderlust year, it became the only thing that mattered to me too. There was no shortage of beautiful women fawning over my husband, but never once in that entire year did I ever feel anything but glorified by him. He would stare at me as he sang, dedicate his newest love songs to his only true love. And I could scarcely wait to get him alone again to show him my appreciation. It was a dream year, like wading through the fog and mist with no real responsibilities. It is a chance I’ll always be glad wetook, because when in your life do you ever get to be that carefree and that in love?
I hate to admit now that we really didn’t talk about the future, as evidenced by our private-school fight. I wasn’t sure when he’d be ready to stop singing or where we’d make a life when we got finished. My brain had spent a lifetime as a clogged drain of questions, stray hair and fingernail clippings and matted dirt preventing me from just being in the moment. And I was making up for it.
But those days were over—at least for now—I reminded myself, lounging by the pool, eating grapes, clearing yet another text from Holden.I’m here and I love you, it said.If you change your mind, my door is always open.
I sighed. I didn’t want his damn open door. I looked over the pool and considered the idea that, while it was lovely to be waited on hand and foot and spend my days hanging out with my mother-in-law, I needed a job.
My phone beeped again.That meeting in NYC that you always loved so much is next month... Sure would be nice to have a pretty girl on the plane with me.
I rolled my eyes. Maybe that was a part of the problem. When I knew I was going to marry Holden, working was almost out of the question. He traveled constantly on business, and it went without saying that part of the responsibility of being his wife was wining and dining and shopping with the other spouses. But that wasn’t the life I chose. And I felt pretty certain that in any life, without a bigger purpose, I was always going to feel bored and antsy.
When Ben got home that night from the CPA grind, the shocked expression on his face was no surprise. It was the first night since we had moved in that I was waiting for him fully clothed. “What gives, TL?” he asked, loosening his tie.
