After a few long moments, he finally spoke.
“Have you ever thought of something and wished you hadn’t?”
“Of course.” I could have prompted him to continue in several different ways, but I kept quiet to see how he wanted toproceed. I felt this was leading to the root cause of his behavior toward the end of the evening. I kept stroking his shoulder, hoping it would encourage him to continue.
“That happened to me tonight.” He laughed quietly, but there was no humor in it. “And obviously, I didn’t handle it very well.”
His eyes were still closed, and his eyebrows were furrowed. His hands kept busy playing with the strings of his pajama pants while one of his feet bounced nervously. I slowly and gently wrapped my hand around his wrist and laid two fingers on his pulse point. Ryder’s body tensed, and he opened his eyes long enough to see that it was me. While I counted his wildly racing heartbeats, I continued to stroke his shoulder.
“What did you think about?” I applied a little more pressure with my thumb on his shoulder.
“It’s kind of bad, Atlas. Like, really bad, I think. I remembered something. And it was probably at the worst moment that it came back to me.” He paused and then abruptly blurted out, “I reacted terribly to the taste.”
He didn’t have to say it specifically, but pre-cum or possibly even cum were my guesses. My mind began to race while Ryder unraveled with each passing moment.
The pace in which he spoke to reveal the evening was quicker now. “It set me off, and I remembered some stuff.”
I didn’t want to get him worked up to the point of panicking. And just after hearing the little bit I had so far, I was almost certain he’d had a panic attack at the party this evening. I moved my hand so I could cover his nervous and fidgeting fingers with mine. Getting him to relax again was my goal.
“Ryder—”
“My body went crazy. I felt like I was going to throw up and I got so dizzy and hot. I felt like my body was on fire. I got this horrendous stomachache and headache all at once. Finn and the guy asked me what was wrong, but all I could say was that I hada bad headache and needed air. I left and went outside to the courtyard.”
“You were outside alone?”
“I needed to be. But I wasn’t even able to manage that. Some other guy came over and started talking to me.”
Will.I’d bet all my money that it was Will. If I couldn’t be the one with Ryder as his mind and body were revolting, I was glad it was Will. No wonder he was up in arms with worry.
“I don’t understand how something like that just vanishes from my mind and then suddenly hits me like a freight train.”
“Minds are funny that way. They often protect and shelter us from situations that can, or have, harmed us.”
“It’s stupid and fucked-up,” he mumbled quietly.
I had to agree with him. It was indeed fucked-up. He needed to lie down and be more comfortable.
“You look exhausted. Come on, let me help you to bed.”
“I can make it on my own.”
Stubborn boy.
“I don’t doubt that you can. But I’m going to help you,” I insisted as I stood.
“Why? I can see you out, lock up, then crash,” he said while standing.
He still doesn’t get it.
“As I’ve said before, I’m not leaving you tonight.”
“Atlas—”
“No, Ryder. This isn’t up for discussion. You had a panic attack tonight. You were alone while you tried to come to terms with recalling horrid memories of being sexually assaulted by your foster father?—”
Ryder’s hands flew to cover his ears, as if he couldn’t stand hearing me say it.
“I never said he did anything!” Ryder’s nostrils flared as he glared at me with watery eyes. His chest rose and fell rapidly,but he didn’t leave my presence. Our gazes were locked on one another, and he finally lowered his hands from his ears.
