Charles looked at his watch and then up at me.
“Do you feel like you need a pain pill?” he asked me.
I thought about it for a moment. Did I truly need it? Or did I just think that I needed it?
“Um.” It was all I could get out.
“Patrick, you don’t have to be in pain. Not anymore, remember?” Hollis said.
“I know. But…”
I didn’t want to have to take the pain pill.
I didn’t want to have to need it.
I wanted to be stronger than the pain.
And clearly, I was still confused by my needs.
“Patrick, if you’re in pain, let’s take care of it. If you don’t feel like you need the prescription pill, we can try to attack the pain with some over-the-counter ibuprofen,” Charles said.
I looked at him with hopeful eyes. He motioned for me to follow him to the kitchen cabinet where they’d been keeping my medicine. Hollis followed and put his hand on my lower back while Charles put two ibuprofens in my palm. Morgan appeared with my glass of water from the table and then gave us some space as if he were just passing through.
Whether or not the ibuprofen would actually work as well as the prescription pain pill was yet to be seen. I had my doubts, but I was also scared to need the pills.
Kristin, Morgan, and Chase were already putting pizza on their plates and heading to the table. I followed Hollis to the table to set my glass down and pick up my plate.
“There are breadsticks in the bag on the table,” Charles announced to everyone as Hollis and I headed back to the table.
A blue crocheted ball with a face caught my eye as I sat down. I frowned as I reached for it because I was annoyed that I hadn’t noticed it when I grabbed my plate. I looked across the table at Kristin. She was looking at me and smiled.
“All of my boys have them.”
“Thank you, Kristin.”
I turned the blue Worry Wart around in my hand and looked at it as I thought about what she’d said. She said that all of her boys had them. Was that like saying I was one of her boys now too? I swallowed hard to get the lump out of my throat again. No one had ever made me something like this. I wondered if my mom had stayed around if she would have.
“You have to give it a name,” Hollis said.
“Yeah, they all have names. You can’t not name it,” Morgan added.
Chase suddenly gasped as he opened the plastic bag. He pulled out the two paper bags of breadsticks and the Hulk Hogan action figure.
“You took Hulk with you, Morg?” Chase sternly asked. When Morgan nodded, Chase reprimanded him for taking the action figure out of the house. “What if you’d lost him? So many memories would be gone.”
“Relax. I was careful with him. Besides, memories don’t leave you.”
That’s a fact. There’s so much I want to forget, but I fear those memories are going to be with me for a while.
“What are you going to name it, Patrick?” Chase asked me, dropping his anger over the Hulk Hogan action figure.
“Mmm, Blueberry,” I said.
Through dinner and during the night of dominoes, I clutched Blueberry in my hand. It meant so much to me, but I didn’t know how to relay it to Kristin. I went to bed with Blueberry sitting on my stomach with my hand covering it.
Sixteen years old/10th Grade/May
Icouldn’t breathe. I tried moving my shoulders and head but met resistance.
