I didn’t want to see the blood.
“Um…” I quickly closed my mouth as bile rose in my throat.
“Patrick.” Charles said my name. When I looked at him, he continued. “You don’t have to go back there.” He gestured to Hollis’ grandpa and added, “We can go and take Hollis with us. He can help us get your things.”
The thought of Hollis being in my room and seeing the blood nearly freaked me out. I glanced at Hollis, silently begging him not to go there.
“I don’t… want to go back,” I finally managed to say.
“I’ll stay here with Patrick,” Hollis said to his dad and grandpa. Then he turned to look at me and suggested, “How about Morgan goes?”
“Um.” I looked down at my cereal bowl again. I had to try to communicate. They were helping me after all. I needed to talk. “There are things in my room I don’t think Morgan should see.”
Blood.
A phone cord wrapped around the clothes bar in the closet.
I looked at Charles and Hollis’ grandpa hoping they understood. Charles nodded and asked me if there was anything specific that I wanted. I explained my composition book on my nightstand and asked for that and some clothes.
I spent the rest of the day glued to Hollis’ side. We watched some TV and then when Morgan and Chase came home we played Nintendo with them. Video games with the three of them was a good distraction, but I was nervous about Charles and Hollis’ grandpa visiting my house.
“Okay, let’s play two on two,” Hollis suggested.
“I get Patrick,” Chase blurted out.
“Whoa, are you sure you want me? I don’t have Nintendo, so I’m not very good,” I told him.
“I’ll take my chances with the new guy,” Chase said. “I know how those guys play.”
I nodded, and Chase flopped down on the beanbag Morgan had just pulled over.
“Dude, get off. It’s for Patrick to sit on,” Morgan firmly said.
“It’s okay, he can sit there,” I said. Hollis plucked Chase off the beanbag and set him on the floor.
“That’s for you to sit on so it’s more comfortable,” Morgan said.
“Oh yeah! Sorry, Patrick,” Chase said when Morgan tapped his shoulder. I’m guessing their parents said something to Chase and Morgan.
“Come on, let’s play,” Hollis said.
Sixteen years old/10th Grade/May
During the following week, Charles and Kristin stayed home from work and kept me out of school to get things settled. They arranged an appointment for me to see their kids’ doctor and also had me talk to a psychologist. I saw the psychologist twice during that week, and it was really difficult for me to say much to them other than to answer their questions with as few words as possible. A lot of major changes were happening for me. Things were quickly taking place that would change my life.
Hollis’ parents hired an attorney to start proceedings to become my legal guardians. Charles and Kristin talked to me about it alone and then we talked again about it with Hollis, Morgan, and Chase. I couldn’t imagine a place that I wanted to be more than here. I was grateful Hollis and his brothers were okay with it too. Otherwise, I could have potentially fallen into the cycle of being in and out of foster homes since I was already sixteen. Very few people wanted to take on a sixteen-year-old. Especially one with baggage like me.
New bedroom furniture had been delivered for my new room. I really liked the color because it was nothing like the mismatched furniture I had at home. All this stuff matched, and I was happy to have things that didn’t remind me of home. Kristin called it an “antique oak.” It was a saddle-colored brown and had iron drawer pulls. I had a comfortable desk chair and a beanbag. I spent a lot of time on the beanbag because it was so comfortable, and that was where I liked to write.
This week, Hollis and Morgan both came home from school right away instead of taking their time with the gym or their extracurricular activities. I told them I didn’t want them to do anything out of the ordinary for me and to continue with their planned stuff. Neither of them listened and instead they’d come home, and both would sit and do homework with me. Charles and Kristin had arranged for Hollis and Morgan to bring home my homework for the week.
I’d had somewhat of a rough day because I had another follow up with the doctor to check on my wounds and I brought up that I was still having stomach pain. This led to more appointments being arranged for next week. I also saw the psychologist, and he asked me stuff about the phone cord and how often I’d had thoughts of suicide. The worst part about this was that Charles and Kristin were in the room too. I ended up crying because I told them about the pills Dad had given me and how I often told myself that taking a bunch of the pills would end it all for me. I admitted the phone cord was the absolute closest I’d ever come to actually ending my life. During the meeting, the doctor expressed the importance of feeling comfortable with talking to Charles or Kristin if I ever felt like I was considering suicide again. I promised them that I would. I honestly didn’t foresee those feelings ever coming up again. I wasn’t being hurt anymore.
On the way back to Charles and Kristin’s I felt terrible about myself and almost ashamed to have admitted all those things in front of them. When we got to the house, I went up to my room and took a nap. I just wanted to hide for a while and not have eyes on me. I felt like Kristin and Charles needed a break from me, and I didn’t want to wear out my welcome. I woke up in a panic after having a nightmare that my dad was looming over me, which cut my nap short. I went to the bathroom and ran cold water over a washcloth then pressed it against my eyes. I didn’t pull the washcloth away from my face until I could no longer see my dad.
It was almost two in the afternoon and school was out, so Hollis and Morgan would be home soon. Seeing Hollis always calmed me down and made me feel better. I went back to my room, grabbed my composition book, and sat on my beanbag. I needed to read something that would make me feel better, rather than to dwell on all the shitty things I’d written over the years. I found the pages that I’d added to this week and re-read them.
You said you knew I was scared.
