“Shit, so that fucking Harvard place is teaching you shit after all,” Sebastian said as he smacked Eli’s shoulder as they stood.
They flipped the light to my closet off, leaving me in the dark. I fucking hated them. The only benefit of being in the dark was that they couldn’t see me cry. I pounded my fist against the floor until I was exhausted.
Eli had taken the semester off from school and was staying with us. Sebastian was bad enough on his own. Throw Eli into the mix and it was enough to make me seriously consider taking a bunch of pills and praying that I’d never wake up. It was just becoming more than I could handle.
After Sebastian and Eli left, I stayed on the floor of the closet and shook with anger. By the time I decided to get up and move, the sun had already gone down, and it was dark in my room. I gingerly sat on my bed for a few minutes and stared out the window. The streets were wet, and light rain slid down my window. It was late. I got some gym shorts and a t-shirt out of the dresser and went to take a shower.
I wondered what Hollis was doing. Probably not what I was doing.
Tears kept coming, even though I was seething with anger. My heart pounded in my chest as I held my stomach while I stood under the spray of hot water. I felt sorry for myself as I thought about Hollis. I’d gladly spend a day in his shoes. It couldn’t be worse than mine.
As soon as I got out of the shower, I went to the kitchen to get something to eat since I’d missed dinner. No surprise, Dad didn’t come look for me. No one would ever come look for me. I could be dead in my room, and no one would notice for a few days. There was so much truth in that thought that it made me angry and upset again. Raquel’s bottle of pills sat on the counter, staring at me, offering relief. I put the bottle of pills in my pocket. I didn’t give a fuck anymore.
I sat awake on my bed all night and clutched a handful of pills in one hand. All it would take was a handful of these. Maybe. Hopefully. As much as I wanted all the pain to stop, I didn’t have the balls to do it.
I woke up sideways on my bed. I pushed myself upright and opened my fist. All the pills were still there. I sighed as a mixture of relief, sadness, and anger fell from my lips.
Technically, I didn’t have to leave for school for another two hours, but I decided to try to do something useful and leave early. For one, it would help to avoid an altercation with my family and keep me from seeing Eli before school. And two, I could get to school early and go to the library. I could look up how to do exercises, because today was going to be my day to try the gym. No more bullshit excuses about not feeling well enough. I’d just take one of the pills and I should be able to muscle through it.
I was motivated and wanted to have a good day. I was terrified of what I might do to myself if it was another bad day. If I could see Hollis, it might be a good day.
The walk to school was colder and seemed to take longer. After my afternoon and evening with Sebastian and Eli, I wasn’t surprised that I walked at a slower pace. Even with the pill in my system, I still felt some pain. I crossed one of the busy intersections and wondered if I looked like a hobbling mess as I walked.Could people tell why?
I stood outside the doors to the library, waiting for it to open. I could see the clock on the wall behind the counter. It was ten before six. The library should be open at six. I pulled out my composition book and pen.
Last night I was ready to leave.
I was ready to say “fuck off” to the world.
One thing kept me from swallowing the pills.
The thought of seeing you gave me hope.
I lookedup from my page when the lights to the library flicked on.
“Good morning, you’re here bright and early,” the librarian said as she held the door open for me to walk through. “Have a test to cram for or paper due today?”
“No. I’m looking for info on exercises to work different muscles,” I explained. I thought if she gave me a starting point, that might keep me from getting too frustrated.
“Set your stuff down, and I’ll show you where some books like that are.”
After flipping through a bunch of books, I made a copy of a page that looked like it had all the info I’d need. I hung out in the library and read about nutrition in another book. My mind kept drifting to hopefully seeing Hollis this morning. I watched the clock, knowing that he usually arrived on campus about twenty minutes before the bell. I just wanted to see him before class. Ineededto see him.
About a half hour before the bell rang, I checked out the book I was reading and then headed to the courtyard. The group of kids he usually hung out with were already starting to assemble as I walked to the planter that I usually sat on. A chill raced through me as I sat on the cold cement. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt and looked around the courtyard.
Come on, where are you?
His girlfriend arrived with three other girls, and they walked to their designated spot in the courtyard. One of the girls kept fidgeting with her hair. She’d flip it over her shoulder only to pull it back to rest in front of her shoulder. I was mesmerized watching her mess with her hair. My stomach dropped and heart skipped a beat when I heard the quarterback of the football team yell out Hollis’ name.
“Hollis!” his voice boomed. He held his arms up as if in victory as Hollis walked over from the parking lot. I almost smiled but caught myself. He was here.
Hollis wore his letterman jacket and jeans and kept his hands on the straps of his backpack as he walked with another guy. The other guy was talking mostly, and Hollis was listening.
Until the bell rang, I sat on the planter and watched Hollis with his friends. Everyone listened when he spoke, and no one ever talked over him. All eyes were on him when he spoke. Even the older kids seemed to look up to Hollis. I wasn’t in any of his classes, but I bet when he spoke in class, everyone paid attention to him.
I followed Hollis and a group of his friends down the hallway that also led to my first period class. I stopped outside my class but watched Hollis walk down the hall until he disappeared around the corner.See you in the gym.
* * *
