“I… I don’t feel good. I wanted to talk to Dad to see if he thought I was okay,” I managed to explain.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I… I don’t know. My stomach hurts a lot and—”
“It’s probably your period,” Sebastian said.
“Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit,” I said.
“You’re so dead, Patty. You’re going to regret your mouth.”
“Knock it off! Both of you!” Raquel yelled at us. “I have a headache and don’t need your noise.” Raquel walked over to the table and smacked Sebastian in the head.
“Ow, what the fuck?” Sebastian moved his head away from her reach.
“Knock off whatever it is you and Eli are doing,” she warned.
“What? What are you even talking about?” Sebastian frowned and stared at her when she pointed at me.
“Whatever you and Elijah are doing, you knock it off. I’m sick to death of finding blood stains on the bed linens and towels.”
She knew. I always suspected she knew.
“I told you, he’s on his period.” Raquel slapped Sebastian in the face. “Fuck! Go take another pill, Mom!” Sebastian yelled. He pushed his chair away from the table and stormed out of the room.
Raquel rolled her eyes and took her coffee outside to the patio. I quickly ate a few spoonfuls of cereal while I eyed Raquel’s bottle of pills on the counter. They were the same ones Dad gave to me. Each time I pulled my eyes away from the bottle, I only found myself staring at it again seconds later. I needed one to get through the day, and since Dad wasn’t available…
After I cleaned up the table, I quickly opened the bottle and tapped the side to shake one into my hand. I tossed it in my mouth and chased it with my last little bit of juice. By the time I put the glass in the dishwasher and put my backpack on, my stomach felt like I’d just swallowed acid. It killed me the entire way to school.
Even though it was January and brisk out, I was sweating by the time I reached the school. It was easy to find an empty spot to sit on the planters in the courtyard because it would be considered too cold to sit outside by most. But right now, I was burning up. I still felt better being here at school than at home.
I watched as students arrived and heard them talk to their friends about their holiday break on their way to the cafeteria. Some kids held car keys up and either received high-fives or hugs from their friends. Hugs.
I opened my backpack and dug out my composition book. I pulled out the stack of folded papers and added today’s date to the next empty line. I stared at the dates and thought about how pathetic I was. Would things ever get better?
“Hollis!”
“Yo, Hollis is here!”
Hearing his name made my body react all on its own. My head whipped up, and my eyes instantly found him. Hollis walked into the courtyard and pulled a hand out of the pocket of his letterman’s jacket to high-five some guys.
I’d felt that hand too.
I watched him hug his girlfriend and how he kept his arm around her while he talked to the small group of people who were gathered near him. Instantly my body ached as I wondered what it would be like to be part of that crowd. What would it feel like to hold a warm, soft body close? What would it feel like to be touched in a good way?
The bell rang, and I went to class. I slumped in my seat and couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. I barely paid attention to any of my classes. All I could think about was Hollis.
I went back and forth from liking him to hating him all morning. By lunchtime I had decided that I couldn’t stand the sight of him. Then when I saw him in the courtyard at lunch, I felt better.
I was so confused.
* * *
During the firstfew weeks back to school, I’d heard Hollis talk to some of his friends about going to the school’s gym. I wanted to try to go. Honestly, I needed to. Lots of guys my age were at least starting to build muscle. I had some, but nothing like Hollis. No one looked like Hollis. But maybe if I built more muscle, it would help me with karate, which would help keep Dad and Sebastian away.
I’d been packing an extra set of clothes to work out in, in case I had the courage to step into the gym. Each morning I’d examine my arms to see if anything would be exposed and create an issue. Most of my wounds were on my chest, back, and stomach. So as long as I didn’t take my shirt off, or get caught in the showers, I’d be safe.
I’d tried to go to the gym, but each time I neared the door, I lost my nerve. From the hallway I could see him in there working out. Sometimes he was alone, and sometimes he had friends with him. I wanted to be one of his friends, but I knew I wasn’t good enough. My body would ache in weird new ways when I’d see Hollis wrap his arm around his girlfriend or when I’d see her wearing his letterman jacket. And all of these thoughts drove me crazy and made me ache more.
