“I’m still processing it, I think.”
“I would imagine so. I wouldn’t expect you to be done reflecting.” Both of us laughed quietly. “Is there anything you’d like to discuss or talk about?”
Where do I even begin?
“I think the emotional response surprised me some,” I offered.
“As you’ve mentioned, it’s been a while since you’ve had safe, sane, and consensual play.”
Sane. The opposite of insane, which was what Elise was trying to hang her hat on to get a reduced sentence. My stomach dropped briefly as I allowed thoughts of her to disrupt my good evening.
“You’re right. It’s been a while. Too long,” I said.
“Well, there’s no need to rush into anything.” Her fingers continued to graze my neck. “While you’re contemplating everything from tonight, just promise me that you won’t run too far.”
I nodded. I knew what she’d meant. I just needed some more time to process. While I watched people come and go in the main room, I recalled everything she had said to me tonight. Everything had an impact on me, but nothing quite as profound as what she had said when I’d asked her what she saw.
“I see an incredibly sexy, strong, young man. He got mixed up with someone who betrayed his trust. I see a man who no longer second guesses his submissive side and no longer questions who he is. I see a man who is still positively affected by this type of dynamic. He wants it and needs it. I see a man who is one step closer to taking back his life, and I see a man who isn’t afraid to allow himself to be happy.”
It had such a huge impact on me, yet I couldn’t find the balls to tell her that she was right.
I was on physical and emotional overload. I’d missed all of this so much. Not only the physical effects, but the emotional and mental connections. I needed this more than I’d realized. And I needed it from Tabitha.
“Are you warming up?” Tabitha asked as she pulled the fleece throw around the top of my shoulder.
“Yes. This feels really good,” I admitted.
Eventually, Josh appeared and sat across from us, though he remained quiet. I was sure he was wondering if I was okay. I was. I was very okay. I’d found something tonight that I’d feared I had lost. I made eye contact with him and smiled. That was all it took to reassure him.
Why wasn’t it so easy to reassure myself that everything would be okay?
As she stroked my neck, everything from tonight was on replay in my mind. The way the flogger, crop, and paddle felt against my body reminded me of everything that I had missed out on while I was with Elise.
I didn’t feel weak or as though I were below anyone for being submissive. I understood who I was, and the reasons behind being submissive weren’t important. All that was important was that I’d felt balanced and centered. I needed to make this part of my life again.
Out of the blue, Tabitha asked me a common question that should have pulled a simple response from me.
“How was your day?”
Suddenly, I realized that a question like this rarely ever fell from Elise’s lips. I remembered Elise caring, or she’d seemed to care, when I gave her a second chance. But after I moved in with her, she was usually void of sentiments and common compassion. I recalled always asking her how her day was, and she was always quick to share, but she’d never returned the question.
My God. How blind had I been?
“Andrew?” Tabitha said my name, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“My day was okay. Work was good. I left early so I could make sure to be here and catch you before you’d arranged something with another member. Before I came to the club, my attorney called and said Elise had changed her plea again. How was your day?”
“My day was good, thank you for asking. All day, I looked forward to the opportunity to see you here tonight. Regarding Elise, remember, her defense is most likely just doing it for show.”
“I remember that was what you had said too, so I was trying not to get too wound up in letting my thoughts run away with themselves.” I turned my head to look at her. “I tend to do that from time to time.”
“Don’t we all?” she said and then smiled. She was so easy for me to be around.
Soon, James and Brandon arrived and came to sit across from us. James let his eyes linger on me longer than usual when I spoke or when he talked to me. I knew it was his way of checking on me too. Through light conversation with the three of them, I started to feel better. Tabitha had sat with me and stroked the back of my neck for two hours. As James was talking to Brandon, Tabitha grabbed my attention.
“Are you feeling okay, Andrew? Are you warm?”
“I am, yes. Thank you so much for everything tonight.”
