“I’d get so angry, and I know the perception through a teenagers’ eyes can be skewed, but I always felt like she’d rather be out doing all of that stuff than be with me for dinner or breakfast before school. I despised the fact that she didn’t want to be around me. I hate being around someone who doesn’t want me around them. Cutting gave me a way to get rid of the feeling of being unwanted. I’d make a cut, usually just in the shower, and it was like all the bad shit that was swallowing me up quickly disappeared. The blood would go down the drain along with whatever I was feeling. I’d step out of the shower stronger, in a sense. Or, at least, that’s how it was in my head.”
“That all makes sense, Brandon.”
My mind moved quickly through the next part of Eli and the spanking. I had loved that pain. I remembered Eli explaining to Sebastian that I was a masochist, and how dirty of a word that sounded.
“A friend of the family started talking to me. He found out about my cutting and told me that anytime I felt like I was going to cut myself, that I could reach out to him.”
“Did you?”
I nodded, and with my heart pounding erratically, I continued.
“That’s how I discovered that I liked other pain too,” I said nervously.
I glanced at the waves crashing a short distance away and then back at James. He had shifted in his seat and was now leaning forward over his knees, listening to me.
“What kind of other pain, Brandon?”
I took a deep breath and then blurted, “Spankings. I like being paddled.” I didn’t know if it was just my warped sense of perception right then, but I swore that the corners of his mouth turned upward. “But,” I quickly shook my head while I searched for the right way to elaborate.
“But what?”
“I don’t like all pain; does that make sense?”
“It does.”
“I didn’t like a lot of the stuff Sebastian did or the w-water,” I stammered as I desperately tried to clarify.
“Relax, pup. I understand.”
“I hadn’t cut for a long time, but Sebastian knew that I had cut, and so he started using it to taunt me, thinking it made me weaker. After the first time with the water, he put me in the cage and left a blade on the ground within reach,” rushed out of my mouth.
I thought James was concerned that I was on the verge of panicking because he moved to sit on the arm of my chair. He tugged me closer to his leg and rubbed on my upper back. James was so calm and exuded strength and care. And I ate it up like it was candy. Somehow, with James being so close, I felt like I could tell him anything.
“Before I became Sebastian’s, I’d meet with my friend and he’d spank or paddle me. It was an incredible substitution for cutting. It was a different kind of release. It was a more powerful release.”
I was glad that James couldn’t really see my face or how red it probably was. I felt so embarrassed about sharing this, but also kind of good. He continued to rub on my back, which comforted me and encouraged me to continue.
“When he’d paddle me or spank me, I’d get really aroused. Is … is that weird or wrong?”
“No, Brandon. It’s not wrong at all. However, I want to clarify something that you just said. You said that you became Sebastian’s. Becoming something to someone is your choice. You become a spouse, you become a doctor, you become a friend, or you become a lover. You don’t become a slave. That was something forced upon you, and you were held against your will and captive for nearly three years.”
For whatever reason, as I leaned the right side of my head against his leg, tears fell from my eyes. The light breeze almost instantly dried the trail from my eyes until the teardrop on the left side reached the top of the gauze, while the one on the right ran off the side of my face and onto James’ pants.Why did I fucking cry all the damn time?
“Do you understand the difference?” he questioned.
I didn’t want to risk my voice sounding like I was emotional, so I nodded. Similar feelings that I once had regarding Eli began surrounding me again. I felt safe with James. Maybe I shouldn’t but I did. Though, I never thought that Eli would turn his back on me. But James was different.Wasn’t he?
“Being sexually aroused while being spanked or paddled isn’t weird, Brandon. Each of us are wired a certain way. There are things that turn us on, and there are things we’re afraid to admit that turn us on. Much of society’s popular opinions are to blame for that,” James’ smooth voice explained as he continued to rub on my back.
“I know you’re quite young, and you lost three years of an important transition from a teenager to young adult, but have you heard the term ‘masochist?’”
My heart started pounding so hard that I actually reached for my chest with my left hand. Eli had called me that when he was talking to Sebastian.
“I take it by your reaction that you have, pup,” James acknowledged.
I looked down, and my right hand was gripping the excess fabric of his pants around the side of his knee. Shit, I didn’t even remember doing that.
“Yes, I’ve heard of it. E—” I began but then caught myself from saying Eli’s name. I coughed to recover from starting and then suddenly stopping. “My friend that would spank me told me that I was one. He told Sebastian that I was one too.”
