Somewhere between the floor of his bathroom and the living room, I pulled myself together and tried very hard not to put the cart before the horse. Each time we sat and talked about things, or to just relax, I had suggested the patio deck. Immersion therapy can be good if used correctly. By being out on the deck, he was close to water, which was something that had caused him stress in the past, but he was learning that it could be calming too.
Glancing outside, I could see that the water was relatively calm, so I asked him if he’d like to chat out there. He took a step toward the door that led to the deck and looked up at the sky. Rain clouds also seemed to trigger him. But I recalled that the L.A. area had a bad thunderstorm the night he was brought into the hospital. There was a chance between the kink house and ambulance that he had been rained on, which would trigger the memories of waterboarding.
“It’s nice out. I just came from my jog, and there’s a few distant clouds. Would you like to sit outside on the deck, pup?”
“Just on the deck?”
“Just on the deck. I promise.”
He nodded and waited for me to open the door. Brandon took the same seat that he usually did; the one where the view of the water was partially masked by the trunks of a few tall palm trees. I never complained or suggested a different seat for him. He was outside, near the ocean, and that was enough for now.
13
Brandon
“How long have you been cutting?”James asked as he leaned back against the slate-colored cushions.
“Middle school,” I admitted.
James watched me with an intensity that I had only felt with one other person before; Eli. Like Eli, James didn’t seem agitated or disgusted in me.
“Are the insides of your thighs the only places you cut?”
I nodded.
“I don’t really know why I’ve done it exactly,” I confessed. I remembered having a similar conversation with Eli just a few years ago. “I just know that it feels good … if that makes sense,” I said with a shrug and looked away. I started to look out over the ocean, but quickly looked down at the ground and focused on my shoes. “I know that doesn’t make any sense.”
“Easy, pup. It makes sense to me, and believe it or not, I understand the release that people can get from cutting.”
Quickly, I looked up to see if he was kidding or ready to laugh at me. He didn’t look like he was being sarcastic or as if he was holding back a laugh. My heart began to pound, though, because all I could think of was Eli. He had told me this too.
“You do?”
“I do.”
“I thought maybe you were being sarcastic.”
“Brandon, I would never be sarcastic with you about something so sensitive and personal such as this.”
As I sat there, I remembered how Eli tried to get me to refrain from cutting. Before I got too lost on a downward track into the past, James spoke up.
“Earlier when you said that you liked pain, was it the cutting that you were referencing?”
I slowly shook my head. Here was where the wheels were probably going to fall off.
“No, this is hard to explain because I don’t really understand too much about it.”
I looked down at my shoes again and quickly thought about if I really wanted to divulge all of this to James. I figured that there was really no harm. It was part of who I was, and if he wanted me to go, I’d go.
“I might be able to help you with the parts that you don’t understand, pup,” James offered.
I reached for the sides of my mouth to keep everything still while the pulling sensation subsided. Whenever James called me ‘pup,’ something inside me jumped. Maybe I was way ahead of myself, or reading into things wrong, but ‘pup’ made me feel wanted.
“I started cutting because I would get so angry or frustrated over things between me and my mom. We fought constantly, or whenever she was around. She was a model and always off doing things. There were either photo shoots, interviews, commercial spots, or parties. It was like I needed to schedule five fucking minutes of her time,” I began.
“I remember seeing your mother on TV in some commercials.”
I smiled carefully but still had to reach for my mouth.
