“It’s a reaction, Ryan. There are horrific memories for you of thisact—”
“But, I want to replace them,” heinterrupted.
“I know you do. Andwewill. But there is no reason for you to be upset with yourself over a trainedreaction.”
He nodded, and his hands gravitated back to his leg band of his boxers. I felt as though I had him sitting on a fence; he’d talk if I pushed, or he’d keep to himself if I didn’t. I, of course, opted topush.
“Did I make you feel the need to be cautious,Ryan?”
“No, it’s not it at all. I just…your hand. I saw it in my peripheral vision…and went…back. I know you wouldn’t hit me or slap mymouth.”
Despicable.
I gently rubbed on one side of his head and saw his body relax. He was calming down under myhands.
“They would hit you in yourmouth?”
His lips pressed together and formed a tight line which forced his dimple toappear.
“Um…yes. They’d pinch my mouth,” hemumbled.
Quickly I thought of the purpose that pinching would serve, aside from being cruel. Pinching caused swelling. Swelling of his lips made them fuller and plumper. I fucking hated hisparents.
A quiet string of words left his mouth that made my hearthurt.
“I’m afraid…” he began and then clamped his mouthshut.
“My boy, tell me what you are afraidof?”
“I’m afraid that you’re going to stop…caring.” Ryan looked up at me briefly and then back down at mychest.
“I can’t stop caring, Ryan. It’s far too late for that. I love you. All of you.” I took hold of one of his hands that had clutched his boxer briefs. “I could never stopcaring.”
“But if I can’t do these things for you, then you’ll start taking stuffaway.”
I hated his goddamned parents beyond words. It was ingrained in him that if he couldn’t perform, things would bewithheld.
“That was cruelty,Ryan.”
Though this was a harsh assessment for him to digest, it was dead on accurate. Avoiding it without addressing it, only permitted his parent’s claws to sink infurther.
“Withholding something that a person needs, is cruel, and it’s a power that I have no interest in. I don’t engage in that kind of mind game. I will spend my life loving you and seeing to it that all of your needs are met.” He nodded and dropped his gaze back to my chest. “What did they take away from you? What waswithheld?”
“To be clean. If Ifailed—”
I had to stop him from going back to them further. Memories of their inhumane ways clearly had him in their clutches rightnow.
“You didn’t fail. Those were tasks that never should have been brought to you. You didn’t fail, Ryan, and I will never take away any necessity or need. Ever.Period.”
“I just am afraid that you’ll need someone else. Someone who can do all of the stuff that Ican’t.”
Ryan was a stubborn young man, and he had a difficult time believing that he was wanted. Stubbornness didn’t scare me or intimidate me. He had a strong-willed mind, which excitedme.
I didn’t think he’d ever felt that kind of fear or worry about losing something. He realized that he may want more than he initially thought. He might want more than our sessions and that it’s okay to want what we have. I think he’d been struggling with the idea that he could have more than what he was allowing himself to have. And I think it scaredhim.
On top of that, he’s afraid of being abandoned. I understood where that fear stemmed from. But he didn’t understand that I couldn’t leave him. My soul had already claimed his, and his soul was in my hands to nurture andmend.
“Ryan, look at me.” I waited until his brown eyes had risen from the safety of my chest. “What would you like to be able to do, that you’ve told yourself that youcan’t?”
