His cheeks colored red at my question. I had a feeling that he’d been thinking down the road and was wondering if it’d naturally progress to sex, and I was cognizant of all of his fears that came just with that one thought. I needed to open the door to this conversation. If the door was open, Ryan would walk throughit.
“I’ll go out on a wild limb, Ryan. You nod if I’m right, and shake your head if I’m wrong.” He looked into my eyes so I knew he was on board. “Sex.” He looked down at my chest and then with barely any motion, he nodded.Good boy.Now talk tome.
“It’s just something that I can’t do,” hestarted.
“Can’t or don’t want to?” I paused and then added the response option that I was quite certain was going on. “Orafraid?”
I wanted him to think about his wording and understand what he wassaying.
“Can’t.”
No, myboy.
“Can’t, means that you are physically unable to have sex. And Ryan, before you tell me that that is what’s happening, I will remind you that your cock often getshard.”
He smiled and looked down at his boxerbriefs.
“So, let’s remove ‘can’t’ from the equation, Ryan.” He nodded. “Is it that you don’t want to? You’ve had enough in your life and don’t want any part ofit?”
“Um, kind of. I thought that’s what my life would be like. I even told you when you started mentoring me that sex didn’t matter tome.”
“Yes, I remember you saidthat.”
“Butnow…”
“It’s different now,” I finished for him when he appeared to be lockedup.
“Yeah. I didn’t want to be a fling or usedanymore.”
“But now you realize that things are different and that you could have a good experience. At least, that’s what you’re thinking. Am Iright?”
“Yeah,” henodded.
“So then, my dear boy…” I patted the side of his head gently. “Then it comes down to fear.” He nodded. “I very much understand your fear, Ryan. Will it hurt, where will it be, what kind of a position will we do it in, how will you feel after? These are probably some of the questions that you’ve been asking yourself.” He nodded again. “Will he leave me after?” I rubbed my thumb under his eye. “Will I feel like all of the other times?” Ryan looked up at me. “I can promise you a few things that I know the answers to. I will not leave you, and it will not feel like all of the other times. If you and I have sex, Ryan, it will be out of love and our bond. That, I can promiseyou.”
I gave him a few moments of quietness for him to mentally collect everything I had just said tohim.
“For the record, I’ve not been with other guys.” He visibly swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I haven’t been with other guys. Justmy—”
I wasn’t going to let him utter the names of his hideous father and brother…or God knows who else visited their home, or lurked in abandoned traincars.
“They don’t count, Ryan.” I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his forehead. “If we decide to have sex, it will be different. This will be your choice, Ryan. It will not be a choice that is made foryou.”
He voiced proof that he had been thinking of sex. I thought it was sweet, thoughtful, and it also broke myheart.
“What about condoms?” he askedquietly.
“If we do it, I’m not picky, Ryan. You know my health, and I’ve shown you my blood test results. I’ve seen yours as well. So, I’m going to defer that decision to you. Do you have apreference?”
“Um,no.”
I didn’t feel one hundred percent certain that his response wasn’t without reservation. We had plenty of time though because until he has told me that he’s ready, it’s nothappening.
“Care to elaborate on your ‘no’ response?” Iventured.
“My da—” he started, but stopped to take a deep breath. “He didn’t use them.” I had figured as much. But I had been surprised by the next part. “Chad used them, though.” Ryan’s eyes were still on my chest. “They told him that I was dirty and diseased.” He abruptly stopped and looked in my eyes. “I wasn’t, though,” rushed out. As if I had thoughtotherwise.
“I know, Ryan. Of course, you weren’t. You were a child.” I moved my fingers back and forth on the back of his head to soothe him. But it was clear that he still felt as though he’d beenless.
